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New here: starting a diagnosis journey

Supernova36

Good evening everyone !

i’m new here forum. A little about me: I am a 29 year old female and recently I have been struggling with a low mood, I put it down mainly to the pandemic and the current third lockdown. I didn’t, at first, think it was abnormal to feel like this during a universal pandemic. However, there has been a couple of occasions (once around New Years and again this week) where I has well and truly sabotaged my close relationships.

i have explained my low mood and feelings of worthlessness and anxiety to my friend who has said I need to ‘talk to someone’ about it. I know that I need to, however much the idea scares me. It was only when I was writing out my self referral for IAPT that lead me to this forum and signs of autism.

I have learnt, over the years, how I am supposed to act in social situations. I can cope very well in social situations, I can appear bubbly and outgoing, I can hold a conversation and make friends (at a service level) but that is because I have to force myself. I think it’s called ‘masking’. People who know me, I think, may be shocked to hear that inside I’m actually a nervous wreck. I had a terrible habit of interrupting people, I repeat myself A LOT, and I don’t truly give a s*** about other people in social situations... I just know how I’m supposed to act and behave accordingly. I notice every minor detail of a person, and I remember (not joking) everything thing. Even tiny tiny details from years and years ago, stuff that pass my friends by. I would hate to turn up to a place by myself... walking into a room full of strangers is an absolute Nono... I’d probably be ready to go somewhere in my house but because I don’t want to go through that initial entrance, I’d end up staying at home. Anymore than about 3 people, I’ll be a total mute if I had the choice.

I have also been told, on MANY occasions, how blunt and even rude I am/can be. It has been a problem in previous jobs here people think I am being snappy when I genuinely think I’m just talking in a normal manner. Also, if I see someone I barely know, I wouldn’t even acknowledge them because I’d rather not engage and I’ve been told this is so so rude. (I do know that it is rude but I’d rather just no socialise sometimes, having to meet people for the first time feels like really really hard work and sometimes I find myself saying ‘I don’t have the energy’ or ‘I can’t handle that right now’. However, like I said above, I can come across as very social and personable if I put my mind to it and force myself to do it...

Also, no structure or plans truly stresses me out. My friends once threw me a surprise party and I honestly walked right back out the door! If I don’t have a confirmed plan before an event I would most likely not go... the term ‘we will see how it goes’ I simply cannot fathom. It has to be planned. I also simply CANNOT look people in the eye... I mean, it comes across as so rude or like I am not listening or interested but it’s because I hate it and honestly can’t do it.

I also hate being touched, hate hate hate it.

So, yes, I have a very low mood, I get nervous and overthink about the smallest thing. I also push people away, I am very good at that. I just can’t get my head around the actions of others sometimes... I always think I am getting on their nerves or annoying them, if they don’t reply to me I think it’s because I’ve done something wrong or that they hate me or think I’m a weirdo. It’s the fact that I push those I love away (and when you tell someone to F off and they actually do) that makes me feel so sad and low, I miss them and get so upset with myself for ruining the friendship / relationship and it makes me question my self worth. It’s people I lose my friends due to my behaviour that brings my mood down and it’s just a vicious circle.

It is my struggle with social situations really that lead my to this community. Looking back to my 20s and teens, I have always had issues with the above BUT I’ve just kind of gotten on with it and plodded along with life. I do, outwardly, look quite together. I have what many may consider a ‘dream job’ (I am an international flight attendant and fly all over the world, even now during the pandemic I am still able to travel and get a change of scene- I volunteered to work for this reason), I have an apartment in the city centre, a cat, a masters degree and I present myself (physically) in a way that looks ‘well kept’ , I have to also look very presentable for my job. Realistically though, I do not have many friends... I have people I know on a surface  level who I can chat to but it’s never a deep and meaningful conversation. I am 29 and my last relationship romantically was when I was 17, I haven’t been able to form a romantic relationship because dates and dating terrify the living daylights out of me, it’s just ‘easier’ to be in my own... I know myself well and know that I will just push the person away because I can’t handle my emotions or social situations so I just don’t bother.

Whatever I have (or don’t have I don’t know) it’s high functioning because I do seem so ‘together’ but now, inside, I’m self destructing... I have pretty much lost my best friend now and it’s this that has lead me to get help FINALLY and trying to understand why I behave the way I do. I have self referred to the talking therapies with the NHS and have explained my traits.

Thank you to everyone who has read to this part of my story, I don’t truly know what I am asking really or what response I want... but I am intrigued on people’s diagnosis as adults. I have simply ‘lived’ with the way am I because I just thought it’s inherently me but I don’t know if I can handle feeling low and scared/nervous for the rest of my life. I think that I do deserve to be happy and make meaningful connections but I can’t do this alone. I am at the very beginning of my diagnosis journey (what the outcome will be, I don’t know) and would like to document it here if that is ok.

I wonder what people’s thoughts are about my traits and struggles and if they can relate or if I am barking up the wrong tree and I should seek help elsewhere.

Thanks again for reading, I appreciate your time. Please keep safe and well.

I look forward to hear your thoughts.

Supernova36 x

  • in reply to whatnots2015

    Hi, WN2015:

    I really enjoyed reading your post, particularly the part about tying shoelaces. Finding out I had autism helped me understand why writing by hand has always been so difficult for me. Like many people with handwriting related challenges, I forced myself to learn how to do it, and even to do it neatly to the point of being complemented on its neatness. However good gosh… The physical effort it takes!

    Yay for Velcro instead of shoelaces, and yay for typing instead of handwriting!

    Elizabeth

  • Welcome, supernova! It’s wonderful to meet you. Blush

    Reading your post felt like reading a description of myself. I have a feeling you will be diagnosed with autism, and you sound like you have the stereotypically “male’ form of it, like I do.

    It sounds like you have managed to mask and camouflage your autism very well, given that you are able to maintain employment that involves interacting with colleagues and the public. Wow! If you feel completely exhausted at the end of your work shifts, I have learned from my diagnosing psychologist that’s often due to the sheer effort of masking and camouflaging.

    Please keep us posted about your journey toward assessment. This sounds like an exciting time for you and I have a feeling getting a diagnosis will prove liberating and cathartic for you.

    Blush

    Elizabeth

  • in reply to Untoward

    It might be worth contacting your GP / diagnostic service to see what's going on. For 10 months I was under the impression that I was on the waiting list, but it turned out that the diagnostic people had requested further information from my GP but not flagged up the request so it was just languishing in my medical record. That's a 10 month wait on top of over two years that's standard in my area. Now I try to remember to diary ahead to query everything related to assessment.

  • didn't read your entire post --- thanks for the proper sentences and paragraphs, it was just kind of long. but welcoem to the forums... i think i'd vot to get an assesment. if one has asd, and one has had long standing problems that truly interfere with life................ one gets an assessment. asd is a different animal, and i didn't get proper treatment until two years AFTER my assessment. prior to that getting therapy was like whistling in the wind on the way to the graveyard.

    ie: pointless and dumb

  • Welcome. I am also hoping to get diagnosed (or not). I'm currently trying via the NHS, but the service is not very good. I have no idea what's happening or even whether anything is happening as I haven't heard anything. I figure I'll give it a few more weeks before just going private.

  • in reply to Supernova36

    Welcome.

    Venting is good. I do it on a regular basis.

  • in reply to S1mon

    I'm in similar situation to S1mon and agree you shoukd go for assessment 

  • Hi welcome to this forum ---- Just to say I agree with  In that you should go get an assessment

    see you later

    Slight smile

  • Hello welcome to the forum I think it’s worth getting an assessment at least then you’ll know for sure I was in the same boat this time last year going back and forth until I made the decision to get an autism assessment got diagnosed with autism in October it’s been a huge relief for me.

  • Hello, welcome to this forum!

    I'm also new here and waiting for an autism / ADHD / both / something else diagnosis. I've also been diagnosed with anxiety, had depression in the past and counselling a few times. You might find it helpful to ask your GP for an autism referral appointment. In my experience autism won't necessarily be identified by the IAPT people or in counselling, CBT etc.

    Like you I've just lived with the way I am and thought that everyone was as inept / low / scared / uncertain as me just that they were better at overcoming those obstacles. As an example I used to think that I could learn how to tie my shoelaces "like everyone else does" if only I tried harder because everyone else learns blah blah blah and now I've realised that I'll just have to do it "the easy way" my grandmother showed me.

    Take very good care of yourself too.

  • in reply to Supernova36

    Sorry, there are a few typos here... I am on my crappy iPad. Hope it all makes sense, I really just needed to vent.