advice on masking and burnout in school what was your experience?

I am currently going through the assessment process (F,27 with May/June time as my timeframe to work with after nearly 2 years waiting on the NHS)

I started off with the extremely geeky stereotype in primary school. I'd be first in line before the bell went, first hand up, first to finish the worksheet ect. I had my year 3 teacher speak to my mum and she thought I should be assessed by a proffessional - my mum being a single parent of 3 and my younger brother having behavioural issues too (I believe he is also on the spectrum.. if I am he certainly is) she felt attacked and embarrassed and dismissed the idea. 

By the time I was finishing primary school, my maths ability had given me a scholarship to a private school. I had been severely bullied in year 5 and 6 for my behaviour and what I felt was because I was too geeky and loved to be the teachers pet. I clearly remember crying my eyes out and begging my mum not to send me to the special school for being clever and I wanted to go to the normal school with everyone else. 

Secondary school came and this is where the masks really came in and I would be a different version of myself depending on the people I was around or the situation I was in. If certain people were in my class I would put on a front and almost pretend to be someone else or seem closer to those people in fear of being bullied. Some classes were too much and I couldn't engage in them and would be sent to the exclusion room or i would just simply skip the lesson. I could talk to pretty much most of the social groups, almost sitting on the edge of them all but never fully being in one. It was also very easy to dismiss some of my behaviour as being a difficult teenager with a tough background. 

I got lucky with some of the teachers I had, and my ability to learn definitely made it possible for me to get through my GCSE's. I would have better grades and more understanding of a lesson without even attending it - similar to your daughter i could learn so much more on my own than when I felt slowed down by a room full of people. I used to get in trouble for distracting others in lessons because I couldn't stay engaged yet my work was complete. This used to frustrate the teachers even more as they couldn't use the argument that my behaviour was disrupting my learning.

I had a few subjects I didn't get on with, not necessarily for the subject itself it could have been the teacher or certain individuals in that lesson that would make it very difficult to keep the front on. I would have a few outbursts or confrontations in lessons like this to the point where eventually I ended up skipping these lessons completely. 

I lived close to the school and could walk home for lunch, definitely made a huge difference! Eventually the school noticed i was missing whole subjects and I wasn't able to carry on just missing them but they understood where I was coming from in these lessons. If anything I was too honest and told them who why and what made me not want to and I will say I was lucky to have a head of house who actually listened and wanted to help me.

Instead of forcing me into these lessons I was able to spend these in isolation to just get the work done (they offered the learning support unit but this idea made me feel worse than to be in the exclusion room, i preferred people to assume i was in trouble than to make their assumptions why I was in the LSU). I had tried to continue working from home as they knew my work was done to a high standard but couldn't agree to allow me to miss school completely. So we compromised with this, i wasn't forced into the lessons but i had to be on the grounds. I also had a counsellor at the school who I would spend at least an hour a week with from year 9 onwards. 

The school knew I was very capable if not more capable academically than most, but if they didn't give me the tools to work around the challenges i was having im not sure how I would have managed. I got to the end of my GCSE's and found the transition to sixth form extremely difficult - and I stayed at the one attached to my secondary school. My attendance was 20% at the end of the year but I had managed to scrape A's and B's in my A/S levels without much real effort to learn. I would say this was a huge burnout following the end of school and I didn't adjust well. I got lucky and got accepted into a college programme which combined my passion and study. I don't think I would have continued my education without this.

Overall it was a huge struggle and lots of battles in many areas, my ability to learn and absorb knowledge made it a lot easier and I couldn't imagine how difficult it would have been without that! I didn't navigate friendship groups very well, I now (10 years from leaving school) only have contact with 2 friends and both of them I have been friends with since primary school. I live miles away now and only catch up every now and then and its why we are still great friends nearly 20 years on, both of them get me and I have never had to act with them. 

I was lucky and social media didn't really start until I had left school, I don't think I'd have coped being in the digital age now as a teen! I ended up coming off all social media 2 years ago when I was in a total breakdown and haven't looked back. It gives me too much negativity and I need to stay away.

I believe I would have done better academically accepting the scholarship but then I would have also had to deal with being a poor child at a private school. The smaller classes and better quality teaching would have made my education better but I don't think the entire experience would have been better for me. I have no regrets for making that choice. I already felt so different to everyone else I didn't need to go to another school because I was different. 

Bumblebee thank you so much for taking the time to give me this insight and share your story. Everything you say resonates with my daughters story - apart from the bit about friendships, they have all dissolved over the years. I am told by her school that her classmates are "passively supportive". I'm not sure that's even a valid expression! How do you "passively" support someone? Surely support, by its very nature, needs to be pro-active, otherwise it isn't support!

Enough of my pedantry - your explanation of finding learning much easier on your own also fits the pieces of the puzzle I'm trying to complete. I am glad that you found your way through but as this story unfolds (yours and the more general one I'm discovering) I remain in a state of disbelief at just how many people seem to have exactly the same experience as my daughter and how many have been hidden or missed.

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it is not now a case of me asking the school what they can do to support. It's a case of me telling them what I, as a parent, will and will not accept. You and all the members on here have helped me to find the strength to do that (I'm not a very assertive person on the whole) and most importantly have shown me that my daughter and we as a family are not alone. It has been a turning point for me to connect to this community and I am so grateful to you all a these can' be easy memories to share.

I think for me, because I was bullied really bad in primary school I made even more of an effort to not be a target to anyone. I felt like a chameleon at times and would adapt around the group I was with. But in terms of friendships it was very complicated and I wouldn't say I had friends then, just acquaintances. The 2 I still have contact with are not your typical friendships, we have lots of time and distance between us as I'm certain that's why we can still catch up after all these years and it not end up causing problems - we never have too much time together.

I got on much better with boys than girls and that is still the case, I didn't cope well with the gossiping and bitchiness and found the male company much more straight forward. When I did try with close friendships I have found that because people are not straightforward and when it comes to falling out I can't go back on it. Once the bridge has been burnt thats it I can't forget what they did or said and that has been a common trend. If they could do it then I can't see them not having the opportunity to repeat it. I now tend to be very wary before trying to get close and make friends and keep myself on the edge for this reason. 

I am lucky I have a sister very close to me in age, but when I was at school I struggled to get on with her too, I felt very different to her we are polar opposites. But since becoming adults she has been my rock and best friend I haven't felt lonely or the need to look for other friends when she is great for me, very easy going let's me take charge and adapts to me very well. But I am also aware that I put a lot of emphasis on my relationship with her and not sure how I will manage when she's got a partner or hasn't got the same time for me as we've had the last few years.

That phrase from the school is not helpful or clear at all, what could they mean by that? There are many factors that I found affected the lessons, if the teacher wasn't very good, couldn't control the class, other disruptive students who don't want to learn, people shouting out, the size and shape of the classroom. 

Your daughter will know which subjects she really enjoys attending and which ones cause her struggles. For me my school didn't really offer any help until they had realised I had missed so much and I was approaching my exams. They knew I was disruptive in certain lessons and had been on many attendance reports not through staying home all day but I would leave after the lessons I wanted to attend and then do the work at home for the other subjects.

I was stubborn and stern, I was not attending them regardless so they had to find a compromise. If I wasn't able to produce a good level of work outside of the classroom they may have pushed back on that harder but they knew the best way to help me was to let me do it in my own space and time. If they didn't I just simply wasn't going to come in, agreeing to meet in the middle seemed to work well. They were happier I was in school and I was happy I wasn't expected to sit in a lesson that felt like a huge waste of time. 

Your daughter is very lucky to have you fighting her corner and accepting the difficulties she may face. Don't be hard on yourself either! As I said earlier I had a teacher ask my mum to get me assessed and its took nearly 20 years for her to open up and admit I was difficult back then too but being on her own she didn't want to highlight that she was struggling with me through fear of interventions from social services ect. 

Part of me wishes I had gone through this process a long time ago but I am not sure if I would have pushed myself as hard as I did over the years, I have been able to achieve lots but it came at a cost. Many burnouts and meltdowns, getting shingles at 23 through stress levels and more, which could have all been avoided or minimised had I not been trying to do it all at once! 

I think for me, because I was bullied really bad in primary school I made even more of an effort to not be a target to anyone. I felt like a chameleon at times and would adapt around the group I was with. But in terms of friendships it was very complicated and I wouldn't say I had friends then, just acquaintances. The 2 I still have contact with are not your typical friendships, we have lots of time and distance between us as I'm certain that's why we can still catch up after all these years and it not end up causing problems - we never have too much time together.

I got on much better with boys than girls and that is still the case, I didn't cope well with the gossiping and bitchiness and found the male company much more straight forward. When I did try with close friendships I have found that because people are not straightforward and when it comes to falling out I can't go back on it. Once the bridge has been burnt thats it I can't forget what they did or said and that has been a common trend. If they could do it then I can't see them not having the opportunity to repeat it. I now tend to be very wary before trying to get close and make friends and keep myself on the edge for this reason. 

I am lucky I have a sister very close to me in age, but when I was at school I struggled to get on with her too, I felt very different to her we are polar opposites. But since becoming adults she has been my rock and best friend I haven't felt lonely or the need to look for other friends when she is great for me, very easy going let's me take charge and adapts to me very well. But I am also aware that I put a lot of emphasis on my relationship with her and not sure how I will manage when she's got a partner or hasn't got the same time for me as we've had the last few years.

That phrase from the school is not helpful or clear at all, what could they mean by that? There are many factors that I found affected the lessons, if the teacher wasn't very good, couldn't control the class, other disruptive students who don't want to learn, people shouting out, the size and shape of the classroom. 

Your daughter will know which subjects she really enjoys attending and which ones cause her struggles. For me my school didn't really offer any help until they had realised I had missed so much and I was approaching my exams. They knew I was disruptive in certain lessons and had been on many attendance reports not through staying home all day but I would leave after the lessons I wanted to attend and then do the work at home for the other subjects.

I was stubborn and stern, I was not attending them regardless so they had to find a compromise. If I wasn't able to produce a good level of work outside of the classroom they may have pushed back on that harder but they knew the best way to help me was to let me do it in my own space and time. If they didn't I just simply wasn't going to come in, agreeing to meet in the middle seemed to work well. They were happier I was in school and I was happy I wasn't expected to sit in a lesson that felt like a huge waste of time. 

Your daughter is very lucky to have you fighting her corner and accepting the difficulties she may face. Don't be hard on yourself either! As I said earlier I had a teacher ask my mum to get me assessed and its took nearly 20 years for her to open up and admit I was difficult back then too but being on her own she didn't want to highlight that she was struggling with me through fear of interventions from social services ect. 

Part of me wishes I had gone through this process a long time ago but I am not sure if I would have pushed myself as hard as I did over the years, I have been able to achieve lots but it came at a cost. Many burnouts and meltdowns, getting shingles at 23 through stress levels and more, which could have all been avoided or minimised had I not been trying to do it all at once!