advice on masking and burnout in school what was your experience?

StillLearning16 said:

Long story short, she struggled a bit in infants and junior, then she went to a secondary grammar, threw herself into it at a million miles an hour, took part in everything, tried really hard to make friends and did for a short time, then she what I have until recently called a breakdown (I have now learnt this is more accurately termed autistic burnout) had to take considerable time off and things have never been the same for her. She finds the school environment incredibly difficult to cope with.

Your daughter seems to have been having a progressively incremental and eventually culminating psychological breakdown, and the physiological burnout from which is the aftermath of that which led to it, that you continued on to describe better than you perhaps realised, with the first part as follows:

StillLearning16 said:

The school are actually incredibly kind and supportive, but I believe their knowledge only goes so far. They think that because she manages to go in and do her lessons and stuff that she is "resilient" in school.

I am assuming (due to my own and other people's personal experiences on and off the spectrum) that that involves no longer being "resilient" to anything ranging from mild psychological humiliation ~ to also severe physiological aggression, remembering of course that 'normalised abuse' involves not reporting bullying to teachers, parents or anyone else ~ on pain of the psychological humiliations or also the physiological aggressions being made worse.

Then the next part of your not realising how well you were describing things ~ is as follows:

StillLearning16 said:

I now understand that she is absolutely expert at masking (sorry, I know that term is not considered ideal but it's the only one I have) and at home I can see the damage it is causing her - burnouts, meltdowns, shutdowns etc.

In that it is increasingly difficult and eventually impossible to get along with the psychological 'dissimilarities' of being our autistic selves ~ whilst we are being driven instead to present the physiological 'similarities' of non-autistic people's cognitive re-characterisation pretences, i.e., smiling when sad and saying nothing when something needs saying and all that, which as assumed behaviourisms are generally and specifically called 'Social Camouflaging and Personal Masking' ~ as are psychologically incompatible and particularly damaging for the neurologically divergent, what with all the psychological shutdowns, breakdowns and accompanying minor and major physiological burnouts and all that.

As an analogy for the psychological and cognitive incompatibilities of autistic and allistic interactions, communications and ideations ~ the autistic mind-body relationship is like driving a manually geared articulated lorry with 21 forward gears and seven heavy goods trailers, whilst the allistic (non-autistic) body-mind relationship is like driving an automatically geared sport and utility car with one forward gear and on average no heavy goods trailers, and only a single light, medium or heavy weight trailer if required for exams, interviews, getting married, house moves, having children, getting divorced and friends and relatives dying and all that.

This means that autistic people must learn how to do psychologically gear changes going into and coming out of the tight turns and going up the inclines and down the declines of the highways and byways of a interpersonal and social life, and we are supposed to learn this social manoeuvring from people who do not really have to think much or even at all about cognitive gear changes (let alone psychological ones) as it is just a case for them of getting into one cognitive gearing and powering and steering ahead to get here, there or anywhere ~ without having to consider comprehensive payloads and catastrophic pileups.

StillLearning16 said:

School has already confirmed there will be no option for her to continue learning remotely when they go back in and she would be heartbroken to lose access to some of her teachers. I can only think that my best tactic is to try and educate the school on what life is really like for an autistic person from a sensory and social perspective as I think that would help them to try and put some things in place that might enable her to just about get through it. And then we can take stock armed with the knowledge we now have.

In my primary and secondary education days during the seventies and eighties ~ it was just a case of getting on with it by either becoming to some extent a psychological catastrophe, a sociological disaster, or something in between or thereafter as a mess in the mental health mechanism.

In terms of educational reading on getting your daughters needs met ~ I always in situations like this recommended as a tactical strategy, 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome', by Tony Attwood, being that in my opinion, the only thing wrong with that book ~ is that it was neither written nor published prior to or during the seventies.

It really helped me to narratively reframe and better understand my childhood development needs, and to better comprehend the necessity of slow and evenly paced regimented scheduling ~ into and through my adulthood.

The complete guide to being aspergenic was an essential read for me regarding the facilitations, identifications and affirmations that were mostly lacking in my life, so perhaps if like some of us your daughter has intellectual hungerings and thirstings for self discovery and awareness ~ give her a link to the book and she may be able to let you know what her  support needs are, just possibly.

If not, you may find everything you need to know as parent and did not think you already knew strategically set for you in specifically informative and tactical fashion. If you need a more feminine approach to things also for life in general things, you and or your daughter may find 'Females and and Aspergers: A checklist' somewhat viable, plus the authoresses' book 'Everyday Asperger's: A Journey on the Autism Spectrum - Revised Edition' could be worth at least a preview read.

Deepthought wow, thank you so much for sharing not only your own very helpful insights but also some great resources. As somebody who drives a lot of different vehicles, I love your analogy, I find it really easy to understand. I am hoping that I can in turn make the school understand.

It strikes me that I have so much to learn and my daughter has the opportunity to teach me. I also have the opportunity to teach her, as I discussed with her last night. For example, just as she needs me to understand that she finds making eye contact abhorrent, in the  same way I am able to help her understand that for me a conversation without any eye contact is an extremely difficult experience. I have only recently been equipped to explore these conversations with her and it is very enlightening for me as it helps me to see how she experiences the world but also to understand myself and my NT perspective.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just live in a world where the differences between us were accepted and embraced as a strength, not a "problem"? I think that we claim to live in that world, but since I have become immersed in the world of autism I feel nothing is further from the truth. Perhaps one day...in the meantime thank you for your advice which has been of great help to me :-)

StillLearning16 said:

Deepthought wow, thank you so much for sharing not only your own very helpful insights but also some great resources.

I am really glad to have been of some assistance.

StillLearning16 said:

As somebody who drives a lot of different vehicles, I love your analogy, I find it really easy to understand.

I was a little bit concerned about how much depth to go into with that analogy, but if you will excuse the pun I did feel quite a 'drive' to use it, and I was pondering upon whether I should use it to that level of detail or more on the gear systems or not ~ so that worked out rather well then. Bonus!

StillLearning16 said:

I am hoping that I can in turn make the school understand.

Sometimes some embodiments of the education system can be a bit of a one way system that makes deliveries but are loath to accepting them.

If the articulated lorry and SUV analogy does not work, there is another widely used analogy (which is also used in the complete guide to asperger's book) of comparing allistic people to car driving road network users, and autistic people being compared to local or express train driving rail network users.

So although allistic and autistic people may get to the same places, there are particular difficulties if us autistic types are not prepared for something as there is little option to turn around until we get to a central station with a turntable, and of course if our autistic way is not the same allistic way ~ it is either time to call in the rail way engineers to cut new routes and sidings into the educational landscape in order to lay new tracks, or just accept we have our own way of dealing with things and facilitate and affirm that fact.

One of the most shocking things of secondary education for instance was the very last day, when my physical exercise teacher said he was very proud of me.

I was both astonished and dumbfounded by that as I loathed physical exercise involving competition as I have no competitive aspirations or inclinations to win.

I was the weirdo for instance that really enjoyed playing badminton but got loads of grief for wasting my potential ~ as I enjoyed hitting the shuttlecock back to the other player so they could (with some effort) hit it back to me and so on and so forward back and fourth in a developmental manner.

My PE teacher explained that all the other teachers had given him 'no-holds-bared' free reign to by any means necessary 'break me in', as the greater majority of them as such inclined had tried and failed. 

He was proud that I did not break, despite me having two breakdowns from all the bullying I was getting!?!

I was utterly shocked by that statement. Completely and utterly shocked.

StillLearning16 said:

It strikes me that I have so much to learn and my daughter has the opportunity to teach me. I also have the opportunity to teach her, as I discussed with her last night.

The thing that makes an excellent teacher truly excellent is one who learns with their pupils as being their teachers also.

StillLearning16 said:

For example, just as she needs me to understand that she finds making eye contact abhorrent, in the  same way I am able to help her understand that for me a conversation without any eye contact is an extremely difficult experience.

Perhaps meet each half way and each of you learn to use your peripheral vision instead of your focal point, with the focal point of your vision actually being the function of the ego ~ which is meant to serve as vocal and verbal range tester; involving whispering quietly to those who are close to us, talking to those who are near to us, and shouting to or yelling at those that beyond our reach or far from us.

This is of course only a suggestion, with the knack of it being not to penetrate the tube toroid fields (or aura) of a person's anatomy and physiology with one's ego, but to see them as an integral holographic cohesion in the shared environment ~ and have more as such an intimate and consenting relationship; respecting the sanctity of their personal space and boundaries.  

Sometimes having an extremely sore and belittled sense of self means that some do not have the confidence to look people in their eyes or project their voice, due to so often being chastised with the most furious projections or venomously belligerent stabbings of the ego.

And in the same way that people have been raped and never thereafter feel affectionately inclined with others, those with auric (or proprioceptive) sensitivity or hypersensitivity will not feel inclined or comfortable engaging in eye contact.

StillLearning16 said:

I have only recently been equipped to explore these conversations with her and it is very enlightening for me as it helps me to see how she experiences the world but also to understand myself and my NT perspective.

I have always been fascinated by other people's sense of their sensibilities and their different perspectives or points of view on anything they feel most enthusiastic about, or most involved in.

Even if people are deeply into subjects that I am not really all that interested in, being with them as they put their sparkle and shine into the subject matter is a treasure to behold.

Reading yours and others insights about developing mutual allistic and autistic identifications and affirmations is such a major bonus ~ special interest factor ten session.

StillLearning16 said:

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just live in a world where the differences between us were accepted and embraced as a strength, not a "problem"?

Perhaps consider embracing that difference as not being so much a problem but more in fact a solution in disguise, in that by contrast it is evident that the nature of the world, the solar system, the galaxy and all the other galaxies through the universe not only accepts us ~ but absolutely and infinitely embodies and supports us as we are; individual by design.

StillLearning16 said:

I think that we claim to live in that world, but since I have become immersed in the world of autism I feel nothing is further from the truth.

Well we do live in the world of nature where individuality its sole objective, but the human whirled of similarity by design is though rather a nightmare and everybody wakes up from it eventually, and things have become so much better than they were when I was your daughters age.

In fact one of the most fulfilling events that happened on this website of forums for me, was someone in their very early twenties perhaps was having a furious vent about being a late diagnosee ~ and can't quite recall if I actually posted (with me getting diagnosed at the age of 44), but someone stated they were in their eighties or nineties and had just been diagnosed themselves, and the younger diagnosee was totally in awe and respect of the older diagnosee.

Things really are improving and you and your daughter amongst so many others; are really bringing about very much needed changes, very much for the greater good. 

StillLearning16 said:

Perhaps one day...in the meantime thank you for your advice which has been of great help to me :-)

You are entirely welcome, and thank you too for your insight and sharing you and your daughter's self discovery with us.

Have a good one and may it lead to many many more :-)

Your daughter is very lucky to have such a dedicated and caring parent. Just by accepting her and trying to understand her world you are doing something magical. She has a chance for a happy life because of you. 

Your daughter is very lucky to have such a dedicated and caring parent. Just by accepting her and trying to understand her world you are doing something magical. She has a chance for a happy life because of you.