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Why does it feel that others know each other more intimately than me?

NAS71268

I'm on an online kinda chat group with some people I had met elsewhere online (I have met none of these people in person), and it's nice. I can chat about all manner of topics, and it being mostly text, my nervousness when I speak or my other issue when I hold myself in person like eye contact doesn't apply, so I'm able to talk more, which is nice. But I feel like everybody else is more intimate (non romantic) each other than they are with me.


It's a few things. Someone else being called 'bro' or 'cutie', or nobody remembering my actual name (I go by a pseudonym, but I have mentioned it to others), or feeling that nobody really makes a big deal out of me like they do others, or not being remembered or asked out to things like playing games. This is not an exhaustive list


Is it some vibe I give off that makes them think I don't want to be referred to like that? Or is it they're too afraid to do those sorts of things because they worry that they'll upset me? Or is it that I really am not as close with them as others?

I know I have only really chatted about this online group, but that's because it's my only really current friend group. A lot of similar things happened in some of my older friend groups, which were in person.

What can I do to improve myself to be able to forge more intimate relations so that these things can happen to me? Or if the connections really are as deep as anybody else, why don't I feel it? (people could still consider me a best friend, irrespective of how they refer to me)

I don't want to ask them because 1) it doesn't feel right to ask them. It'd feel I would be intruding on them 2) I can't describe my feelings or examples well, so something may be missed when discussing with them 3) a very similar scenario could arise in the future, and then I would be stumped as the underlying issues in me haven't gone away 4) Whilst I don't doubt that it would be sincere if I had asked them, it would feel nicer if had it arose organically (ie: without me specifically asking/mentioning). I mean, why did it happen organically for others but not for me?


I know all of this is vague, and I'm sorry but I have can't describe situations or my feelings well

  • I just kept trying, like it sounds you're doing, and at 22 I met someone and fell into her crowd of friends and slowly over the years learnt how to do it. I'm now good at it. I was lucky it happened at 22, and that it was a crowd that for a few years let me watch and listen. They were all 15 years older than me so i got away with not talking cos of that. The same thing happened to another AS friend of mine.

    Even though I'm close to people no one would do the bro or cutie thing with me, somehow the connection is different. I don't understand it, there are people who care about me and are connected to me, but the connection is different or gets done differently. I can see that comes from me but don't know what that is. My accupuncturist has suggested I don't do 'mess' or put myself out there vulnerably which makes me unavailable. That I have a shell around me. Strangely freudian psychoanalysts say the same about autists. I trust her and am working on it and it's improving very, very slowly!

    I think you're thinking about this in the right way, taking responsibility, thinking long term. Maybe find other groups to experiment with. My learning to relate definitely took place in 1-1s rather than groups.