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People relativising AS and telling you that you seem 'normal' to them ?.

NAS71151

Hello,

I hate it with a passion when people say to me, often randomly, 'I don't think anyone would have thought that you struggle with asperger's, you seem so normal', and then they say that they themselves struggled to fit in at school for some reason and does that mean they therefore have aspergers? It is like they are questioning the diagnosis by implying I cannot possibly have AS because I am so chatty and extrovert!. They do not realise how their comments make me feel sick inside, the anguish and stess the comments make me feel, particularly when the comments come from people who should know better. My regular support worker understands me and would never relativise my AS, but a support worker who has only recently started working with Autistic adults and who does not have much experience in this field, recently came out with these comments and left me feeling hurt and upset, although in other respects I get on with him. I feel like I am a fake, that my identity is being questioned, and it makes me feel unhappy, like I will be a perpetual outsider, not fitting in anywhere. I don't wish to be defined by asperger's, but it is nevertheless such a big part of my identity and I am so proud of my achievements and successes with regard to fighting back against my anxiety and the negative side of my AS and how my experiences have shaped me as a person. I always feel like I have to justify myself and it makes me feel so tense and upset. Anyway, I felt like replying, what am I supposed to look like as a person with AS? Am I supposed to hardly talk, to be rude and non-compliant or highly distracted?.

Has anyone else with high-fuunctioning AS experienced similar issues? I do feel so unhappy at the moment, but maybe I am being too analytical and taking things too far.

thanks

jackyjoy

  • Yes (had a similar experience) and no, you're not (being too analytical), because I'd think your new support worker would have been better prepped before being unleashed on their clientele and making such clumsy, fumbling comments (apologies for the language, I'm in a jovial mood and this sort of thing gets me very cross! Relaxed)

    I've recently been diagnosed and my psychologists assessment went to my senior managers. Apparently one of the discussions was that I needed to do "X" job (which I'm really not suited for) because "to be fair to everyone else I couldn't be treated any differently," 

    Let that sink in for a minute. After I've been off sick for 6 months. Receiving counselling (which I had to pay for to get a decent one) and referred to a psychologist with my employers full awareness.

    In many other areas of work I function really well - indistinguishable from my peers and my guess is that is what they were basing their judgement on.

    I've even had a similar comments when a colleague and myself had a piece of work we'd been working on together commandeered (or at least it seemed that way to others) and we both agreed we were angry and frustrated. When we swapped notes and unpicked that, under that surface commonality, the way we processed that experience is very different. For her it was someone "taking something away", for me it was a decision poorly communicated with no rationale and no-one could explain to me why it had been made that way or why this other person was needed which left me confused. That built a lot of understanding, our working relationship has deepened a bit now she understands me a bit more.

    That's how I handle the comments from NT's. On the surface the experience seems the same. Underneath the processing is very different.

    You're right to be proud of your achievements - because you've been finding you way in a world that isn't really designed for your in mind. I've realised I've made the mistake of judging myself by the same standards of NT's - and that no, it wasn't just a case of trying harder, because if it was - I wouldn't still be struggling with the same stuff. The more I've really thought about how people just function in general, and how much I didn't "get", I've realised how disadvantaged we can be.

    Sounds like your support worker needs some education. Honestly, you shouldn't have to do it. I feel the same way when dealing with my senior managers.

    If there's a way you can feedback your experience to someone senior - they should have a conversation with that support worker. It's feedback - part of learning a new role.

    Or you can mention it to your support worker the next time you see them --- "the last time we spoke you said.... and I felt....." and then mention how common experiences can be processed differently by NT's and ASD's. The "newbie" support worker might not "get it" straight away but it'll be something for them to think about. 

    Best wishes

  • Hello @jackyjoy

    I'm learning quickly that everyone with autism is unique. I'm sure there's more to your diagnosis than just struggling to fit in at school and I'd be really interested to know what prompted you to look for a diagnosis. I hope it's ok to ask.

    I posted a question and I'm so terrible at getting to the point I'm not sure anyone's going to reply me. I'm not sure I will be brave enough to embark on a process to investigate whether or not I have autism, partly because I'm worried about a similar situation to what you're facing and not sure it will help me.

    I'm realising that there is so little understanding of autism from the general public, I think you are rightly proud of everything you have got through and achieved. Sorry my response isn't what you're looking for. I hope others with more experience in this journey will be able to help!