Too many ideas = sensory overload, any advice?

I'm awaiting assessment but I trained, and briefly worked in film and theatre costume many years ago. Couldn't keep up (now I'm beginning to understand why). If your like me, there was a huge amount of stuff involved with working in that kind of field, As an example, I still have five sewing machines, my sewing box was a dirty great toolbox rather than a dainty floral number and I have a button box that's a lot larger and more outrageous than what you'd find in most homes.

Over the years, I've been clearing out a lot of things in an attempt to get some order. Just a little at a time. What I found, was that there were some things that I was far more interested in than others. I began to group things, for example, I'd like to remake my clothes in my wardrobe, but I'm interested in using natural fibres. So I'm clearing out my synthetic fabrics. I'd like to use more traditional patterns as I like the older Victorian and Edwardian styles, so there goes a whole load of modern patterns that I don't need anymore. I'm following the same system with other hobbies. It also allows me to see which hobbies are most interesting to me so again, I can clear away the things that distract me and just stick to the things I know I enjoy.

My hobbies that I'm choosing to focus on are: Sewing, miniatures, reading, writing, and my Cello.(I'd also love to have a farm, create puppets, build a hobbit hole to live in and learn everything there is to know about the natural world, etc, etc. but that might have to wait for another day). I don't have to do all of these at once, I'm just trying to choose something each evening. Even if it's just to play with some clay and learn how to make shapes. I'm not forcing myself to create a masterpiece, I'm just enjoying the process. I haven't done any sewing for years so even though I have a complex project to work on, I'm only trying to do some basics. I've started with underwear which is always the most important foundation. I can re-learn all the techniques that I lost over the years so that when I get to the outerwear, I'll have a clearer idea of what I want and I'll even have some experience again to help push me along. 

I think what I'm trying to get at, is what are the distractions? You can work on several things at once, it's something you couldn't avoid in Theatre. But there are some things that get in your way. Don't box yourself into a corner. A bit of structure is helpful but don't time yourself or you'll always be looking at the clock which will be another distraction. Media is also a distraction. I don't watch TV and I try to avoid too much internet and phones. I've been dealing with PTSD and severe Anxiety so I've virtually had to start from scratch. Just picking a task each evening when I get home from work is giving me clarity as I'm beginning to see the way I want to go and more importantly, how I'm going to get there.

Hi Loz,

You've made some great observations and recommendations. I totally understand why you couldn't keep up working within film and theatre. I think you've asked a very relevant (for me) question, '...what are the distractions' and my answer to that (and probably part of an answer to my initial post) is a LOT! I have a house that sounds rather like your sewing box. I've always liked collecting things and even when my interest has slightly waned I've kept hold of them. I like to look at things. Perhaps it is time for me to sort and get rid of past collections in order to try and focus on where my real interests lie now.

Having read your post I'm going to give myself a little time to decide on what those are.I'd be interested to hear what sort of miniatures you are interested in, I have myself made many Hobbit holes although they have been at 25th scale, so too small even for a Hobbit.

I give myself certain times of the day to work on my computer and this is generally research but it's so easy for the time to just tick away. TV and phones I generally avoid.

Have you been getting any kind of support whilst you've been working through your PTSD and anxiety issues or have you been left to deal with them on your own? Thanks for your reply and once I've answered all the other posts I'm going to sit down with a cup of tea and have a real think about what I'd like to focus on and then take it from there.

25th Scale Hobbit hole? Are you sure we aren't the same person?

I admittedly have a few ideas rolling around in my head at the moment but the one that is taking form in reality is a 144th scale model (inspired not replica) of the Petronella Oortman dollhouse. The original is too big and the 144th scale is forcing me to think creatively as I can't go off and spend a load of money (that I don't have) on miniatures when the point is to use my hands. I'm not allowing myself to 'cheat!'

I've made the cabinet and put in the rooms. The original had a garden with a working fountain so in honour of that, I'm trying to work out how to add some LED's so I can make the garden look like it's bathed in sunlight.

I'm fortunate that in my area, I have access to Italk which is a mental health service on the NHS. It took months before a slot became available as the PTSD treatment is a bit more specialist (mine was due to a motorbike accident), but it certainly helped. It was actually my PTSD Counsellor who suggested I might be Autistic. She used to work with autistic children and saw some similarities.

When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, I had, again through Italk, access to counselling for six weeks. Once that ended, I didn't really get any support, I also didn't know how to ask for it or even if I should. I always managed to figure it out myself. I tried different things. I found that Buddhism was really helpful, I gained a lot of insights that helped me to deal with things.

I was also able to manage without antidepressants up until the last few years. I think that has changed because I'm now working in an office based role. It seems that the office is where common sense goes to die. I had issues with my anxiety, and rather than talking to me, I had managers who poked and prodded my little anxiety monster until I ended up on antidepressants for the first time ever. 

On top of the Anxiety and Depression and PTSD, plus the work place issues and of course the Pandemic, I've had to re-examine what I thought I knew about myself. I certainly welcome the autism diagnosis as it explains so much but it's been really tough. 

I think I'm finally starting to find some balance that I didn't have before and I'm using the things that I've read about autism to help me get back on track.

Regarding the collections, don't try and do it all at once, just remember, start with the things you hardly ever look at. You might empty out a box and find there are treasures you can't part with. You don't have to! You'll also find there are things you are happy to get rid of straight away. Always look at it as making space so you can work on the things you enjoy. I found that as time went on, the things I wanted to keep, informed things that I threw away later. It's how I realised how much I loved miniatures because as I got rid of things, all the little tiny things that I'd collected over the years, kept getting back into the treasure pile. It took years. There is no rush. I'm still working through all my stuff, but because I took my time and was clear about why it had to go, I don't miss anything that I've already let go of. 

Yeah, I'm amazed at how anything gets done in organisations, or progress is made. When I look around my working environment I just can't see how millions of such places add up to the society we live in. I struggle to see how any organisation stays afloat given how inefficient it all seems.

OutwardBoundBob said:

I think the phrase 'too many chiefs and not enough Indians' is an appropriate one.

That characterises most of my office experience. Once I had insight into how management functions and some of the conversations that go on I wondered how anything actually manages to get done. I've a good colleague at work and we do joke about how we could slice off most of the upper tier ones and no-one would really notice (someone else I used to work with remarked that she's surprised that more things aren't on fire - she's a little more cynical about society in general and has seen enough well-thought out initiatives and logical ideas tank when given to real people in confused organisations).

I can function under pressure if I know what the expectations are and what parameters I'm working in (worked in a hospital and delivering frontline services to the public - both of which can be pretty hectic). If I know what I need to do, even if  when the workload changes where I need to do more of that thing, as long as it's communicated clearly, I can re-prioritise. 

With the kitchen work, the plan was to start out with something with a social-benefit angle to it. Something similar to foodcycle where I could just enjoy learning something new and doing something good. 

Hi Ethan, it sounds as if you've got a very supportive direct manager. I've not really had any experiences working in an office environment but I can certainly understand about people not agreeing amongst themselves and quite often conflicting views. One theatre I was a resident designer at had 3 different committees all contradicting one another which made my job impossible. I think the phrase 'too many chiefs and not enough Indians' is an appropriate one.

Working in a kitchen? Wow that sounds like a great idea, it's a pretty hectic environment though. Do you work well under pressure? I'm guessing timing is essential, that would overwhelm me. Give me two pans on the cooker top and I can't cope! Definitely worth looking in to once the pandemic starts to calm down.

Woodland therapy is a great experience. It was never a large group (8 maximum) and two Woodland Trust 'rangers' for want of a better word. We would collect the firewood and get that started ready for lunch. Lunch was generally a one pot meal but was always welcomed and I'm quite particular in the foods that I eat. Popping corn between two sieves over the campfire was fun. If things got too much I'd just take myself for a walk around the forest. There seemed to be no expectations. I found I could easily spend the day just whittling wood.

The trust also ran forest schools and they asked me if I could create some fairy doors for them to hide around the compound. I did, again at 25th scale. It seemed to go down well with their younger age groups. I remember sitting for hours making strips of roof shingles out of mossy bark.

It's definitely worth looking in to.

Hi aidie, I've seen quite a few of your posts and you talk quite a bit about meditation. I can't seem to master even the basics. I know if anxiety is getting to me and someone is telling me to just concentrate on my breathing it just makes my breathing even more erratic. Do you have any simple, initial small steps?

Hi, sorry for the few days gap for a reply, I've been experiencing technical issues but seem to have my computer and router now happily working in unison. Buddhism seems to make a lot of sense and quite philosophical, I like that and definitely going to look further into it. Having read many posts on the forum it seems to be quite a reoccurring theme and from what people have written about it seems a very positive outlook. Also I think I may learn a bit more about emotions (something I find quite difficult).

With regards to your working environment it sounds as if you have some great people in your team, but as you say your 2 managers saying 'take what time you need' would frustrate me. It's as if they're ticking the 'being supportive' box and as you say absolving themselves so they need take no further action.

It's good sensory wise that you're happy in your working environment. Light bothers me quite a bit, I have daylight bulbs in all of my lamps and turn down the brightness on all of my device screens. It doesn't stop me from wearing sunglasses a lot of the time indoors. when I'm out it can be near on dusk and I'm still wearing my shades.

Is the intensity of PTSD something that will stay with you forever or do you just get better at managing it?

yes decluttering is a good thing to do. I hope to do that myself soon, u're inspiring me to do  things  I find reading and trying to be Buddhist helps my autism downsides considerably. 

There is a meditation centre in a town near me and I've enjoyed doing it there. Unfortunately I find it harder to do it on my own. The Nun who runs the centre has a very soothing voice and the room is so silent, it's easy to focus on what she says and not too much else. Unfortunately I no longer have a bus route out that way and with the pandemic, it's impossible for me to get there.

That's why I'm more focused on my Hobbies at the moment. Having said that, Buddhism has a lot to offer. Not just the meditation, I like the philosophy. It's so simple and practical but makes so much difference. It's how I finally managed to start clearing out my stuff. I realised that I didn't have any space to do the things I wanted to do because I had too many things. Clearing them out, made me feel like I was also clearing out my head. 

i am into buddhism and "the Dao\Tao" , Mainly Zen buddhism but I read all sorts of stuff.

My favorite modern teacher is Charlotte Joto Beck ---- there are audio videos of her on Youtube But her books are very good ----- she explains things well and in western language

favorite Master is Bankei (1600 ) 

I do sitting meditation, walking meditation, and am now adding Everyday Living Mindfulness

I think I recall hearing about the thing with the Wildlife trust. It sounds amazing. Certainly something I should have a look for! Because I am starting to figure things out better than I did, I've been considering going back into a learning environment, perhaps do a course on ecology or something similar? It would have to wait until I was debt free of course. I'm not just fascinated by ecology, but also geography and how the world and populations have changed over time so it's one of those things that could sweep me off in an interesting direction. 

Sorry, had to change computers... and I need to learn to talk less! 

I work on a reception desk so not the typical office environment. I enjoy my job, the social aspect is easy as I only need to speak to people for a few minutes at a time and send them on their way, Can't do anything about the lighting but I like it quite bright so I use SAD lamps at home which helps. We like it quite warm which suits me. I find it more comfortable without my Jacket but with my floor heater on so I get the warm breeze.

Buddhism is something I dip into. I discovered it before I was aware of the Autism but I was struggling with my Anxiety and a started to find Buddhist information when I was looking on Pinterest and YouTube. I'm not particularly religious and Buddhism is good like that because it's so practical. I made a summary of what I had found from different sources to give to one of the social workers that I work with. I'll copy it on to this message so you can have a read of it.

Your metal work sounds like fun. If you have a garage full of it, I'd definitely say that was one of your top interests! Perhaps if you aren't certain what to do with it, take some small pieces and just play with it to find out what it does? That could be a great way to start.

Here is the Buddhism information. Sorry it's long, hope it's helpful.

Whilst Buddhism is generally referred to as a religion, it is more accurately a philosophy or ‘way of life’. The word ‘Buddha’ is a title which means ‘one who is awake’ and has it’s origins about 2500 years ago when a prince named Siddhartha Gautama, known as the Buddha, was himself awakened (enlightened) at the age of 35.

The Buddha was not, nor did he claim to be, a God. He was simply a teacher who used his own experiences to show others the path to enlightenment. Because Buddhism does not include the idea of worshipping a creator God, some people do not see it as a religion in the normal, Western Sense. The basic tenets of Buddhism teaching are straightforward and practical: nothing is fixed or permanent; actions have consequences; change is possible. So Buddhism addresses itself to all people irrespective of race, nationality, caste, sexuality, or gender. It teaches practical methods which enable people to realise and use it’s teachings in order to transform their experience, to be fully responsible for their lives.

Buddhism explains a purpose to life, it explains apparent injustice and inequality around the world and it provides a code of practice or way of life that leads to true happiness.

Buddhist teachings can be understood and tested by anyone. Buddhism teaches that the solutions to our problems are within ourselves, not outside. The Buddha asked all his followers not to take his word as true, but rather to test the teachings for themselves. In this way, each person decides for themselves and takes responsibility for their own actions and understating. This makes Buddhism less of a fixed package of beliefs which is to be accepted in it’s entirety, and more of a teaching which each person learns and uses in their own way.

The basic Buddhist concepts can be summed up by the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.

The first Noble Truth

Life is suffering. Life includes pain, getting old, disease and ultimately death. We also endure psychological suffering like loneliness, frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. This is an irrefutable fact that cannot be denied. It is realistic rather than pessimistic because pessimism is expecting things to be bad. Instead, Buddhism explains how suffering can be avoided and how we can be truly happy.

The Second Noble Truth

The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want ohers to like us, if we do not get something we want, etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness.

Third Noble Truth

The third truth is that suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained; that true happiness and contentment are possible. If we give up useless craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future) then we can become happy and free. We then have more time and energy to help others. This is Nirvana.

Fourth Noble Truth

The Fourth Truth is that the Noble Eightfold path is the path which leads to the end of suffering.

What is the Noble Eightfold Path?

The Noble Eight fold Path is being Moral (through what we say, do and our livelihood), focusing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.

What are the five precepts?

The moral code within Buddhism is the precepts, of which the main five are: not to take the life of anything living, not to take anything not freely given, to abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence, to refrain from untrue speech, and to avoid intoxication, that is, losing mindfulness.

What is Karma?

Karma is the law that every cause has an effect, i.e., our actions have results. This simple law explains a number of things: inequality in the world, why some are born handicapped and some gifted, why some live only a short life. Karma underlines the importance of all individuals being responsible for their past and present actions. How can we test the Karmic effect of our actions? The answer is summed up by looking at (1) the intention behind the action, (2) effects of the action on oneself, and (3) the effects on others.

What is wisdom?

Buddhism teaches that wisdom should be developed with compassion. At one extreme, you could be a good hearted fool and at the other extreme, you could attain knowledge without any emotion. Buddhism uses the middle path to develop both. The highest wisdom is not simply believing what we are told but instead experiencing and understanding truth and reality. Wisdom requires an open, objective, unbigoted mind. The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

What is compassion?

Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. In Buddhism, we can really understand others, when we can really understand ourselves, through wisdom.

I have considered fibre optics. As this is my first proper project I was a little daunted by it so decided to stick to LED's, but it would be an excellent way to add lamp lights throughout the rooms so I might have another look.

I'm glad they worked out that it was Autism rather than Schizophrenia. My Uncle has it. He could be quite intense at times and seemed to get more hospital stays than support. 

I think the way I explained it wasn't clear, sorry about that, sometimes it gets written exactly the way it falls out of my head. Let me give you a quick timeline - I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety Disorder in my early thirties. (I'm 39 now) I began taking Anti-depressants in November 2018, and I had my accident in early 2019. I had an initial assessment with my PTSD counsellor in September at which point I decided I needed to come off my Anti-depressants because she was asking me questions about how I was feeling that I was struggling to answer. I realised I couldn't understand what was the Anti-depressants and what was the PTSD. I was off my meds completely by the time I started my PTSD treatment in November 2019. The meds were what I needed at the time as I was struggling to cope, but I'm equally glad that I'm not on them now. I've had a rough time (as we all have) in the last year but because I have more information, namely the autism, than I did back in November 2018, I knew that I could ride it out better than before.

While my managers are crap, my team is very supportive. They all know when I'm anxious, my PTSD was triggered at one point and rather than try and convince me that it would all be ok, one of my colleagues actively sat with me and we talked about what was happening in my head as it was happening. This was far more helpful as it allowed me to calm my anxiety by throwing logic and reason at it.

On the flip side of the coin, I had two managers who saw I was upset, knew that it was down to PTSD. They both said 'take whatever time you need'. It sounds helpful, but at the end of the day, I already know that I can do that because my team makes it possible. They say that sentence because it sounds supportive whilst absolving them of any further involvement. (I realise that sounds mean but unfortunately I have managers who don't talk to me, don't understand how to help me and aren't interested in finding out. It makes more sense for them to say 'what do you need?' but they don't do that.

yes, likewise, I dont miss the commute

Quick answer (it's been a long day and I need to kip) but I tend to carry on typing when I start so it could be a longish answer....

Interests vary- I'm a pretty casual reader - I prefer breadth more than depth. I'm roaming around data science at the moment, enjoying some sci-fi (The expanse on Amazon is now daily viewing) reading a memoir by Michael Cohen (Trump's ex-fixer) and, as newly diagnosed, reading up on the idea of Intolerance of Uncertainty - still unpicking that one, it's academic papers and I've been out of those circles for a while. My recall is terrible, ask me about something I've read on demand and I'll probably forget I've read it- I kind of have to revisit it before I can talk about it.

The employment can be interesting - as sometimes I can make a difference. I've had the opportunity to train some folk in simple data analysis and storytelling which was great fun as they've taken those skills and are now confident enough to train other people. I'm pretty nifty at breaking down complex ideas into things that can be presented for different types of audiences - or picking up new ideas for us to run with. At the moment I'm trying to crunch some data into a new format which will make sense for our stakeholders - some things go under-reported because of the archaic format we're currently using.

At the moment the leadership is pretty chaotic, conflicting strategies/views etc, so I'm being challenged on how I manage day to day things with some of the ambiguity which is arising. I'm newly diagnosed and I've a fantastically supportive direct manager. We're slowly chipping away at the senior management to make them aware about the sorts of things that work well for me (and the things that don't). Part of the challenges over the last couple of days has been due to people not knowing  or agreeing amongst themselves what they want before they ask me to do things - it's generally the expectation that they've figured all that out before they approach me with an ask. It's taking some time to get that message across for some of our new staff......(.... that yes everyone feels the same about the really not-all-that-unexpected but avoidable-if-it-had-been-thought-about-thing that happened which has annoyed all of us, my reaction will be a little different because I'll struggle to process how it was allowed to happen in the first place and the implications of it --- Some of the stuff which is just allowed to happen is mind-boggling).

TBH i was thinking about changing my working arrangements.. I had ideas about dropping my hours and going off just to try different stuff - one of them was working in a kitchen because I was having great fun cooking after binging on episodes of Hell's Kitchen, then Covid hit. As it happens work has worked well, despite it's occasional frustrations. 

Oops. not such a quick answer... 

"The office" is the term I use for work. I work from home - but the team I work with has always been remote so really it's just a change of location for the computer. All the day to day interaction is the same - microsoft teams, e-mail, phone. Don't miss the commute though. And the cat reminds me when to eat and call it a day so I'm looked after 

how come u arent working form home ( I iused to work in an office preCOVID ) ?

No worries Ethan, welcome to the conversation. What are your interests? Are you in employment that you enjoy?

"It seems that the office is where common sense goes to die".

I'm checking in with that comment. After the last couple of days I've had at work I wholeheartedly agree ( - : 

Don't mean to butt in the conversation - but I really appreciated reading the exchange with you and Bobontour as it resonates with me (I have lots of interests and seem to flit round all of them). Thank you.

One last thing Loz, I know you said you'd like to learn everything about the natural world, as well as building yourself a Hobbit hole...where I live we are very lucky to be surrounded by lots of green spaces and forests. There was a pioneering programme run by the Wildlife Trust over here which was getting people with mental health issues into the forest. It was fantastic although the project eventually folded. Would that interest you? It might be something that's available near you and you can get to work on building your Hobbit hole as well as learning some really interesting stuff about nature.

Firstly, which amused me, having not really spoken to anyone recently I've spent a couple of hours on the community forums today and your the second person who's said 'are you sure we're not the same person' which has given me the confidence to know that I am not alone. When model making my default scale is 25th, it was the industry standard when making set model boxes. I did do some work at 12th scale, your typical doll's house, for my mum who wrote articles for a doll's house magazine. I'd do the 'how to make...' section. I didn't find this as rewarding, it didn't stretch my ingenuity. 144th scale though, wow, I'm impressed and as you say at that size cheating just isn't an option. If you continue working to this kind of scale fibre-optics might be an interesting project, it is fairly time consuming to begin with but you can get some very cool effects.

I'm glad that some support was on offer to you to at least begin the process of learning about your PTSD and subsequently the depression and anxiety disorder. I also suffer with high anxiety and depression and up until this year I also had the diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I received my diagnosis of being autistic the week before Lockdown #1. Because the autism has now been recognised the psychiatrists have taken the Schizophrenia diagnosis away, apparently the two share some vey similar traits. I have been lucky in that I have had support from my early 20's even if they were trying to treat the wrong condition. Are you still on anti-depressants now? Do you think an autism diagnosis may for want of a better word 'liberate' you? I certainly found that it has helped. Would your employer be willing to discuss what would make your work experience better for you? Perhaps having your own office, more subtle lighting if you experience sensory issues.

You wrote about Buddhism, I know some very basic information about Buddhism, are you literally taking what you need from it's ideals or have you submerged yourself within it. I ask too many questions but I do like to learn.

Back to my collections...I know there are definitely some things although I haven't used in years that I'd like to keep, I've amassed a lot of varying pieces of metal (most of my garage) which I'll hold onto as I'd like to do a course in welding. As far as the rest of it goes I'm going to  start box by box. from your post earlier I'm still deciding on the interests that I'd really like to focus on and then I'll have a much clearer idea of the way in which I'm heading. Thanks Loz! 

Firstly, which amused me, having not really spoken to anyone recently I've spent a couple of hours on the community forums today and your the second person who's said 'are you sure we're not the same person' which has given me the confidence to know that I am not alone. When model making my default scale is 25th, it was the industry standard when making set model boxes. I did do some work at 12th scale, your typical doll's house, for my mum who wrote articles for a doll's house magazine. I'd do the 'how to make...' section. I didn't find this as rewarding, it didn't stretch my ingenuity. 144th scale though, wow, I'm impressed and as you say at that size cheating just isn't an option. If you continue working to this kind of scale fibre-optics might be an interesting project, it is fairly time consuming to begin with but you can get some very cool effects.

I'm glad that some support was on offer to you to at least begin the process of learning about your PTSD and subsequently the depression and anxiety disorder. I also suffer with high anxiety and depression and up until this year I also had the diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I received my diagnosis of being autistic the week before Lockdown #1. Because the autism has now been recognised the psychiatrists have taken the Schizophrenia diagnosis away, apparently the two share some vey similar traits. I have been lucky in that I have had support from my early 20's even if they were trying to treat the wrong condition. Are you still on anti-depressants now? Do you think an autism diagnosis may for want of a better word 'liberate' you? I certainly found that it has helped. Would your employer be willing to discuss what would make your work experience better for you? Perhaps having your own office, more subtle lighting if you experience sensory issues.

You wrote about Buddhism, I know some very basic information about Buddhism, are you literally taking what you need from it's ideals or have you submerged yourself within it. I ask too many questions but I do like to learn.

Back to my collections...I know there are definitely some things although I haven't used in years that I'd like to keep, I've amassed a lot of varying pieces of metal (most of my garage) which I'll hold onto as I'd like to do a course in welding. As far as the rest of it goes I'm going to  start box by box. from your post earlier I'm still deciding on the interests that I'd really like to focus on and then I'll have a much clearer idea of the way in which I'm heading. Thanks Loz! 

Woodland therapy is a great experience. It was never a large group (8 maximum) and two Woodland Trust 'rangers' for want of a better word. We would collect the firewood and get that started ready for lunch. Lunch was generally a one pot meal but was always welcomed and I'm quite particular in the foods that I eat. Popping corn between two sieves over the campfire was fun. If things got too much I'd just take myself for a walk around the forest. There seemed to be no expectations. I found I could easily spend the day just whittling wood.

The trust also ran forest schools and they asked me if I could create some fairy doors for them to hide around the compound. I did, again at 25th scale. It seemed to go down well with their younger age groups. I remember sitting for hours making strips of roof shingles out of mossy bark.

It's definitely worth looking in to.

Hi aidie, I've seen quite a few of your posts and you talk quite a bit about meditation. I can't seem to master even the basics. I know if anxiety is getting to me and someone is telling me to just concentrate on my breathing it just makes my breathing even more erratic. Do you have any simple, initial small steps?

Hi, sorry for the few days gap for a reply, I've been experiencing technical issues but seem to have my computer and router now happily working in unison. Buddhism seems to make a lot of sense and quite philosophical, I like that and definitely going to look further into it. Having read many posts on the forum it seems to be quite a reoccurring theme and from what people have written about it seems a very positive outlook. Also I think I may learn a bit more about emotions (something I find quite difficult).

With regards to your working environment it sounds as if you have some great people in your team, but as you say your 2 managers saying 'take what time you need' would frustrate me. It's as if they're ticking the 'being supportive' box and as you say absolving themselves so they need take no further action.

It's good sensory wise that you're happy in your working environment. Light bothers me quite a bit, I have daylight bulbs in all of my lamps and turn down the brightness on all of my device screens. It doesn't stop me from wearing sunglasses a lot of the time indoors. when I'm out it can be near on dusk and I'm still wearing my shades.

Is the intensity of PTSD something that will stay with you forever or do you just get better at managing it?

yes decluttering is a good thing to do. I hope to do that myself soon, u're inspiring me to do  things  I find reading and trying to be Buddhist helps my autism downsides considerably. 

There is a meditation centre in a town near me and I've enjoyed doing it there. Unfortunately I find it harder to do it on my own. The Nun who runs the centre has a very soothing voice and the room is so silent, it's easy to focus on what she says and not too much else. Unfortunately I no longer have a bus route out that way and with the pandemic, it's impossible for me to get there.

That's why I'm more focused on my Hobbies at the moment. Having said that, Buddhism has a lot to offer. Not just the meditation, I like the philosophy. It's so simple and practical but makes so much difference. It's how I finally managed to start clearing out my stuff. I realised that I didn't have any space to do the things I wanted to do because I had too many things. Clearing them out, made me feel like I was also clearing out my head. 

i am into buddhism and "the Dao\Tao" , Mainly Zen buddhism but I read all sorts of stuff.

My favorite modern teacher is Charlotte Joto Beck ---- there are audio videos of her on Youtube But her books are very good ----- she explains things well and in western language

favorite Master is Bankei (1600 ) 

I do sitting meditation, walking meditation, and am now adding Everyday Living Mindfulness

I think I recall hearing about the thing with the Wildlife trust. It sounds amazing. Certainly something I should have a look for! Because I am starting to figure things out better than I did, I've been considering going back into a learning environment, perhaps do a course on ecology or something similar? It would have to wait until I was debt free of course. I'm not just fascinated by ecology, but also geography and how the world and populations have changed over time so it's one of those things that could sweep me off in an interesting direction. 

Sorry, had to change computers... and I need to learn to talk less! 

I work on a reception desk so not the typical office environment. I enjoy my job, the social aspect is easy as I only need to speak to people for a few minutes at a time and send them on their way, Can't do anything about the lighting but I like it quite bright so I use SAD lamps at home which helps. We like it quite warm which suits me. I find it more comfortable without my Jacket but with my floor heater on so I get the warm breeze.

Buddhism is something I dip into. I discovered it before I was aware of the Autism but I was struggling with my Anxiety and a started to find Buddhist information when I was looking on Pinterest and YouTube. I'm not particularly religious and Buddhism is good like that because it's so practical. I made a summary of what I had found from different sources to give to one of the social workers that I work with. I'll copy it on to this message so you can have a read of it.

Your metal work sounds like fun. If you have a garage full of it, I'd definitely say that was one of your top interests! Perhaps if you aren't certain what to do with it, take some small pieces and just play with it to find out what it does? That could be a great way to start.

Here is the Buddhism information. Sorry it's long, hope it's helpful.

Whilst Buddhism is generally referred to as a religion, it is more accurately a philosophy or ‘way of life’. The word ‘Buddha’ is a title which means ‘one who is awake’ and has it’s origins about 2500 years ago when a prince named Siddhartha Gautama, known as the Buddha, was himself awakened (enlightened) at the age of 35.

The Buddha was not, nor did he claim to be, a God. He was simply a teacher who used his own experiences to show others the path to enlightenment. Because Buddhism does not include the idea of worshipping a creator God, some people do not see it as a religion in the normal, Western Sense. The basic tenets of Buddhism teaching are straightforward and practical: nothing is fixed or permanent; actions have consequences; change is possible. So Buddhism addresses itself to all people irrespective of race, nationality, caste, sexuality, or gender. It teaches practical methods which enable people to realise and use it’s teachings in order to transform their experience, to be fully responsible for their lives.

Buddhism explains a purpose to life, it explains apparent injustice and inequality around the world and it provides a code of practice or way of life that leads to true happiness.

Buddhist teachings can be understood and tested by anyone. Buddhism teaches that the solutions to our problems are within ourselves, not outside. The Buddha asked all his followers not to take his word as true, but rather to test the teachings for themselves. In this way, each person decides for themselves and takes responsibility for their own actions and understating. This makes Buddhism less of a fixed package of beliefs which is to be accepted in it’s entirety, and more of a teaching which each person learns and uses in their own way.

The basic Buddhist concepts can be summed up by the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.

The first Noble Truth

Life is suffering. Life includes pain, getting old, disease and ultimately death. We also endure psychological suffering like loneliness, frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. This is an irrefutable fact that cannot be denied. It is realistic rather than pessimistic because pessimism is expecting things to be bad. Instead, Buddhism explains how suffering can be avoided and how we can be truly happy.

The Second Noble Truth

The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want ohers to like us, if we do not get something we want, etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness.

Third Noble Truth

The third truth is that suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained; that true happiness and contentment are possible. If we give up useless craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future) then we can become happy and free. We then have more time and energy to help others. This is Nirvana.

Fourth Noble Truth

The Fourth Truth is that the Noble Eightfold path is the path which leads to the end of suffering.

What is the Noble Eightfold Path?

The Noble Eight fold Path is being Moral (through what we say, do and our livelihood), focusing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.

What are the five precepts?

The moral code within Buddhism is the precepts, of which the main five are: not to take the life of anything living, not to take anything not freely given, to abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence, to refrain from untrue speech, and to avoid intoxication, that is, losing mindfulness.

What is Karma?

Karma is the law that every cause has an effect, i.e., our actions have results. This simple law explains a number of things: inequality in the world, why some are born handicapped and some gifted, why some live only a short life. Karma underlines the importance of all individuals being responsible for their past and present actions. How can we test the Karmic effect of our actions? The answer is summed up by looking at (1) the intention behind the action, (2) effects of the action on oneself, and (3) the effects on others.

What is wisdom?

Buddhism teaches that wisdom should be developed with compassion. At one extreme, you could be a good hearted fool and at the other extreme, you could attain knowledge without any emotion. Buddhism uses the middle path to develop both. The highest wisdom is not simply believing what we are told but instead experiencing and understanding truth and reality. Wisdom requires an open, objective, unbigoted mind. The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

What is compassion?

Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. In Buddhism, we can really understand others, when we can really understand ourselves, through wisdom.

I have considered fibre optics. As this is my first proper project I was a little daunted by it so decided to stick to LED's, but it would be an excellent way to add lamp lights throughout the rooms so I might have another look.

I'm glad they worked out that it was Autism rather than Schizophrenia. My Uncle has it. He could be quite intense at times and seemed to get more hospital stays than support. 

I think the way I explained it wasn't clear, sorry about that, sometimes it gets written exactly the way it falls out of my head. Let me give you a quick timeline - I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety Disorder in my early thirties. (I'm 39 now) I began taking Anti-depressants in November 2018, and I had my accident in early 2019. I had an initial assessment with my PTSD counsellor in September at which point I decided I needed to come off my Anti-depressants because she was asking me questions about how I was feeling that I was struggling to answer. I realised I couldn't understand what was the Anti-depressants and what was the PTSD. I was off my meds completely by the time I started my PTSD treatment in November 2019. The meds were what I needed at the time as I was struggling to cope, but I'm equally glad that I'm not on them now. I've had a rough time (as we all have) in the last year but because I have more information, namely the autism, than I did back in November 2018, I knew that I could ride it out better than before.

While my managers are crap, my team is very supportive. They all know when I'm anxious, my PTSD was triggered at one point and rather than try and convince me that it would all be ok, one of my colleagues actively sat with me and we talked about what was happening in my head as it was happening. This was far more helpful as it allowed me to calm my anxiety by throwing logic and reason at it.

On the flip side of the coin, I had two managers who saw I was upset, knew that it was down to PTSD. They both said 'take whatever time you need'. It sounds helpful, but at the end of the day, I already know that I can do that because my team makes it possible. They say that sentence because it sounds supportive whilst absolving them of any further involvement. (I realise that sounds mean but unfortunately I have managers who don't talk to me, don't understand how to help me and aren't interested in finding out. It makes more sense for them to say 'what do you need?' but they don't do that.

One last thing Loz, I know you said you'd like to learn everything about the natural world, as well as building yourself a Hobbit hole...where I live we are very lucky to be surrounded by lots of green spaces and forests. There was a pioneering programme run by the Wildlife Trust over here which was getting people with mental health issues into the forest. It was fantastic although the project eventually folded. Would that interest you? It might be something that's available near you and you can get to work on building your Hobbit hole as well as learning some really interesting stuff about nature.