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Reacted to a surprise and think I upset someone.

BigDonnyP

Hi.

I am feeling confused and unsettled but trying not to be selfish because I think I may have inadvertently upset my girlfriend. This is not something I want to do ergo seeking advice on this.

Christmas went and was usual mess with bonus of not having to see people; the plus side of Covid. My partner bought me a canvas I loved; but I get really freaked out by pictures without frames so I asked if I could swap if for same image as a framed print. She was really annoyed with me and said she couldn’t and was really angry at me which makes no sense. When we last argued about this nearly three weeks ago she said she would get a frame and so on and so on but I had been in touch with seller and already arranged an exchange. In mean time she has gone and got the canvas framed (badly) and is annoyed that when she showed me about 2 hours ago I just shut down.

I mean a surprise, and one about something that has caused loads of grief already!?! That is really insensitive and now I feel bad because she is upset at how I react to surprises - I don’t like them. They freak me out. 

I don’t know what to do now as she is angry at me (I think) and I am pissed off that she doesn’t give a toss about my opinion or how surprises affect me

  • Update- partner said she was going to look into returning the frame she ordered but looks like she hasn’t. The person who sold the picture is happy to refund her for it as long as we send it before Saturday.

    I genuinely don’t see point in keeping it as it’s just sat in spare room going no where. Charity shops will be open soon I suppose.

    Anyone want a frame for a canvas? 

  • I have great sympathy for your situation. From my experience, these situations are best handled by complete openness. Insist on having a calm dialogue and let her know that you understand it from her perspective. I guess you are able to see the irrationality of the situation but unable to control your feelings. I get the same and I let my wife know what I feel, but always acknowledge her as well. Or.. Most of the times. Not perfect :) I don't like surprises either. For me it has been really useful to practice minimalism and detach myself from materialistic objects as much as I can. Makes me much more calm. 

    Being autistic does not mean you can't challenge yourself :)

  • This reminded me of the first year with my then-boyfriend-now-husband when he bought me a matt leather mustard yellow handbag and a bright red patent leather purse. I found it so jarring that I couldn't hide my disappointment. The irony is that I've remembered those items more than whatever he replaced them with so maybe I did like them after all (joke) 

  • in reply to Kirsty

    If you asked instantly to swap it for a framed version that could have been the trigger, plus also your facial expression. I think you may need to explain to your partner that you absolutely love the print and are really grateful that she got you such an amazing print, but that you struggled to fully appreciate it on the day without a frame as well. 
    now if I had gone out of my way, got it framed and you put in down even I would be mad! clearly she does care or she wouldn’t have gone out of her way to try to get it framed for you to make you happy. You need to apologise, also did you tell her that you had spoken to the seller to get it exchanged? 

  • You react better than I do! There’s a few instances that spring to mind when I think of surprises:

    - the knock off perfume that smelt like cat wee saga: ‘ooh al la cat p***’ and the bottle was thrown across the room 

    - but-it’s-not-white-papergate: art pad in cream paper, threw a right strop and that ended up in the bin 

    both instances ended in disaster and now nobody gets me surprises!