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Asperger relationships

Ellie b

I know i have aspergers coz i was diagnosed with it at 17 my fiance has traits of aspergers my autistic counsellor said to us both for him to have an assesment done coz its very likely he is autistic by his body language certain things he does he has a label to rub sucks his thumb for security his 30 years old he cant have things moved of his in a different place have to b exactly where they r if not he goes ape. When we first got together affection was non stop then as months went on anger and violence kicked in he couldnt cope with my meltdowns he did go to groups with me supported me understand now why i am how i am just he dont want to put his arms round me he kiss me on the cheek thats it come up with all excuse why he hasnt cuddled me im always showing him affection was crying last night he didnt even hold me. Sob

Parents

  • Hi Ellie: 

    I just wanted to reach out and say that your post really touched me. It sounds like you and your partner going through a lot. Also to be really open with you, as I read your post I was concerned about you, in terms of of your safety and emotional wellness. You mentioned violence had been present early in your relationship and then you shared that your partner is not being physically affectionate with you and made a related excuse, which can be a sign of dishonesty/neglect.

    This is just a gentle idea, but are you able to go confidentially talk to a counsellor on your own, in order to talk about what you’re experiencing and get a professional’s thoughts on it, including related to your safety and well-being? 

    Elizabeth

  • in reply to Elizabeth

    I worked out where the violence come from he has meltdowns same as me i been aggressive to so its not just him i understand him more now he cant cope with pressure and keeping things to himself his learning to open up so he dont explode same as thats the reason i have to i have an autistic counsellor she knows everything said we need to learn to understand each other.

  • in reply to Ellie b

    Even if he's having meltdowns it's not acceptable to be violent towards you and I'm surprised your counsellor hasn't stressed this.

    I posted last night about how I was groomed as a child and that my autism played a part in not realising what was going on. This giving affection and then withdrawing it is classic grooming behaviour. "Love bombing" where they apologise by showing lots of affection and possibly giving gifts is grooming behaviour, the abuser will give as much affection as it takes to get you back on his side and then slowly withdraw again until your boundaries start to crumble and you tolerate more and more abuse before needing "love bombed" again. You're not being groomed for sex, you're possibly being groomed for domestic abuse.

    I honestly think you need to see another counsellor or just call a women's violence charity and speak to someone there for their perspective. 

Reply
  • in reply to Ellie b

    Even if he's having meltdowns it's not acceptable to be violent towards you and I'm surprised your counsellor hasn't stressed this.

    I posted last night about how I was groomed as a child and that my autism played a part in not realising what was going on. This giving affection and then withdrawing it is classic grooming behaviour. "Love bombing" where they apologise by showing lots of affection and possibly giving gifts is grooming behaviour, the abuser will give as much affection as it takes to get you back on his side and then slowly withdraw again until your boundaries start to crumble and you tolerate more and more abuse before needing "love bombed" again. You're not being groomed for sex, you're possibly being groomed for domestic abuse.

    I honestly think you need to see another counsellor or just call a women's violence charity and speak to someone there for their perspective. 

Children
  • in reply to Cookiesmum1986

    Cookiemum1986 may be right, My step father and brothers are domestic violent to their partners and the things you have described are how it starts and it only gets worse.

    I understand why you think autism may be the cause because when i am overstimulated i don't like to be touched either and i can or should say i have had explosive meltdowns in the pasts but after the meltdown passes i do still feel shame and embarrassment for what i have done during the meltdown. Does he try to apologize without showing affection after meltdown ?

    You may have to start looking for your own place, maybe a relationship with this individuals requires living apart. Not all couples in a romantic relationship live together. maybe the relationship is going to fast for him to process his emotions effectively.