I live in the North West and I have been advised by a couple of people that I may have autism and getting diagnosed might help me. After looking at the symptoms, it seems like I might have Asperger's. If so it would explain so much of my life and why I've struggled with the things I've struggled with.
The thing is, I am very high functioning. Despite not understanding social interaction or small talk and having social anxiety, I learnt from a young age to fake various things (mainly because my dad would get extremely angry at me if I did not respond in the correct way), and although I don't always respond in the appropriate way now, I have managed to force myself into behaving in ways society expects of me. I obviously struggle with relationships - I've basically been alone my entire adult life and don't have any friends. I live alone and just read or go on my computer. I have a job in programming, so I'm self-sufficient, but I really struggle with anything that involves people.
Back at the start of 2020 I was planning on killing myself. I had been unhappy for some time. My job moved to a new open plan office a few months earlier, and I was finding it very overwhelming. The amount of noise and stimulation was too much for me, and the level of social interaction was exhausting me to the point of being unable to do anything outside of work other than collapse when I got home.
Despite being independent, I am not very good at running my own home, so I let things get in a very bad state and basically live in squalor, with years of dust and dirt and clutter, and thick slimes growing over the kitchen sink, mould everywhere, etc. When things break I just leave them broken for years. I spend hours reading about quantum physics but don't spend 15 minutes cleaning.
I have struggled with depression a lot, but over the years I've come to realise that the majority of my low mood and anhedonia seems to arise from dissatisfaction with my life and inability to control my own circumstances. I get very sad when I feel like things are outside my control (such as something like a noisy neighbour) and I struggle with anything that involves conflict, such as asking for what I want or standing up for myself at work. Instead I just withdraw. I don't understand people but I always assume everybody has bad intentions. I've realised that a lot of the time I might be suffering from autistic burnout and this is why I shutdown.
Due to Covid-19 I have been unable to get in touch with my GP. Back in February I had been on a waiting list for counselling for my depression, but it got cancelled as all non-Covid services were withdrawn. That could have been disastrous considering I had made firm plans to kill myself, but I'm very lucky that the lockdown in March made my suicide plan not possible, and then working from home seemed to make the burnout go away and by about July I was feeling a lot better. I am hoping that after the coronavirus crisis goes away my employer may permit me to continue working from home, but as I've said, I struggle with asking for things that I want.
My GP no longer allow appointments to be made and don't answer the phones - they tell people not to make appointments unless it is urgent. So that route is closed off to me. I have seen there is a place called Spectrum North West who do private autism diagnoses, but it could cost about £1000. That's a lot of money for me. Do you think it could be worth it? I am trying to understand the benefits to me of getting diagnosed (if I do indeed have some form of autism). I wouldn't be able to afford to keep paying for private therapy, so how does an official diagnosis actually change things for me?
Despite struggling with social interaction I often feel so alone and isolated. It was difficult to go almost an entire year without human touch or any real interaction with a human. I actually hate being touched normally, but going that long without physical contact made me realise that I do need it. To be honest I am barely coping, but I don't know what help I could possibly need. I am not stupid, far from it. I don't know how to be a normal person but I have spent my whole life trying and it's exhausting.
