Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm new here and an NT. I am 99% sure my ex boyfriend is an aspie.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking to achieve on here, but I'm hoping it will help some of my confussion. I met my ex online around 19months ago, we had the same political views, and we both loved our pets. Quite quickly we were chatting every day (apart from the odd day or two where he was quiet, but I figured he was busy), but he'd send me pictures of his views from work every day, or pictures of my favourite animal if he saw one. We'd also wish each other goodnight. After a 2-3 months of chatting to him I felt like I'd fallen in love with him, I felt he was the one. He decided to book a hotel near where I lived and said he was going for a little holiday and I could meet him if I liked. Anyway, of course I wanted to meet him, and every morning on the lead up he'd send me a little clock as a countdown. I was so nervous to meet him. We met, and he didn't sound like I expected or behave like I'd thought, I put it down to my expectations being off, and I didn't care, I just really liked him.
On the first night we had dinner, and wine, the hotel was kinda falling apart but it was funny, and we laughed about it being like Fawlty Towers. That night he spooned me, and it was he said 'very natural'. I had to iniciate kissing him, I thought he was a gent and maybe shy because I was 12 years younger than him. We then went to makelove, but he made excuses and said he couldn't do it because he was too nervous. The whole weekend he'd constantly watch politics on his phone, or we;d have to watch sport on his computer. I felt that it was really important to him, and I just liked chilling with him. On the last morning of the weekend I iniciated sex again, but he couldnt do it. For the last few hours I thought he'd go home and never speak to me again, as he'd sit staring at his phone not saying much. I thought he wasn't keen on me, or embarrassed about not being able to do anything with me. He went home, and text me the whole time and we met 2 weeks later. My pet had died a few days before the next meet up, so I was upset. The same sort of thing happened again on this weekend, he could't have sex with me, and had to have the room completely pitch black to even try, so I thought he was be really self concious. On the second night he shouted at me, it came from nowhere. He said his dog hadn't been eating well, and I asked him if he'd ever looked up online what it could be (I thought maybe the brand of food or teeth), and he completely flipped, he shouted at me. As soon as the shouting arrived, it had passed. I was stunned. I'd just lost my pet, and no one had ever shouted at me like that before. He went to bed and slept facing the other way, no cuddle or anything. The next day before catching the train home he appologised, and I said it was okay. He said he'd be coming to mine for xmas. So 3 weeks later he came for xmas, and spent it with me and my family.He walked into my house on xmas eve and threw 2 books at me, and said they were my present. They werent wrapped or anything. I didn;t say anything though. My gift to him was a painting of his church that we both use to talk about. I gave him another drawing of mine he loved too, and painted 3 silly things for him, and some other gifts. When I have him his gifts on xmas eve he shouted at me and said he can't open them as it's not xmas. So I thought maybe he had another present for me on xmas day, but he didn't. He said he;d have to buy me something else. He went home a few days later, and went on a huge spending spree for himself, but never bought me anything, just showed it all off to me like it was for me.
Okay, this is going to be too long for everything, so I'll jump to it. We split up in May as he wouldn't replt to my texts, even though he was on Twitter chatting away. So I cried my eyes out for weeks. I then went onto his instagram that he;d made for his dog, and decided to see how they all were as I missed them. Then I noticed cam girls were liking and commenting on his pics. So I thought they were spammers, but they weren't. Then I noticed he was following and liking, and leaving comment on teenage girl accounts (Onlyfan and cam girl ones), they are legal, but they look arounf 15 in some pictures. So I messaged him in disgust about it. He unfollowed them. Then a few weeks later we started talking, and he moved my artwork onto a better place in his house. He;d send me pictures of them, and he'd show me the roses he;d bought because I told him to. We slowly started getting back together, and he was meant to come over before this xmas, but due to lockdown couldn't. So I noticed he was back following those teenage girls again, and commenting. I did further investiagting and it seems he is a financial contributor to them too. I've been heartbroken. He'd never send me any gifts or make love to me, but he would to some teenage girls in Russia. I feel so confused, and hurt. He's 49, so could have daughters their age. I told him I'd wanted a family with him etc. but it looks like he's chosen these girls he'll never meet.
I suppose I'd like to ask is watching cam girls and paying for them normal for aspies? Is it easier than a relationship or something? I just feel so hurt.
Thank you for your reply :) He'd previously been married to a lady that had pretty bad mental health issues, which I think damaged him, so I was always sensitive with him as I didn't want to trigger anything. My ex's hobby was politics, so I'd always try to get into it deeper with him, but sometimes if I asked him questions to get him to chat to me about it, he'd sometimes reply sharply 'it's not rocket science', which use to sting, as all I wanted to do was get his thoughts on certain areas. He even argued with his neighbours children about politics once. I really do love him, and we;re not speaking anymore because I belittled him about those teenage girls sticking dildos into their bottoms. So thats that. It just hurts.
Thank you so much for this, it's really helpful. It makes sense too. When I'd let him know I was at the doctor as I wasn't very well, he'd never as what was actually wrong, or if I needed anything, he just reply STHT (sorry to hear that). See, I'd have usually pressumed that if another man had said this that he didn;t care, but my ex did little things that showed he did care, such as hanging my art on the wall and taking pictures to show me. He'd do things like that, which I think was him showing his love in a different way. It's just the paying other girls for porn (and their ages) that have deeply hurt me. I know it's not my looks because I'm an attractive lady, with admirers. I even received flowers from other men when I was with him, and he didn't think about outdoing their flowers by sending me a bigger bunch, he'd just say he was one of the many men who fancied me. But I so craved him to send me the flowers, because it was only flowers from him that would have mattered, even a daisy from the garden, just anything as a token of his love.
Roswell said:Viewing porn leads to erectile dysfunction for a lot of men.
No it doesn't - that's a bunch on blokes who have got so used to needing controlled 'perfection' to get off that they've raised their own standards so high that even they can't reach it themselves.
And once you've thoroughly dug around all the filthy corners of the internet for excitement and to see something new, you run out of novel content. When even the midgets wrestling in jelly don't do it for you any more, It all becomes pretty sad and dull. A pale reflection of reality and real life and actual human contact.
And of course, the first thing that insecure blokes do is blame anything or anyone else for their 'performance' problems.
Viewing porn leads to erectile dysfunction for a lot of men. There's a community of men online called NoFap who talk on Reddit about the benefits of not masturbating or watching porn for men.
No - but I used to edit an alternative lifestyle magazine some years ago so there is literally nothing that hasn't been covered in great detail.
Also - if you're paying for porn, you're looking in the wrong place.
Sounds like you do pay for porn? lol
Your cam is Constantly tracking your eye movement - all the time - unless it is covered. Has been for years. Whether paid for or not - fact is - nobody has any control online. it is an illusion of control thats it.
Older, single aspie blokes can be worth working with but you need to be aware of his history - if he's been damaged by previous relationships, he'll be hard work - you'll spend your lifetime undoing the defences he's built up to protect himself.
A big thing to know is if his parents are still together - that would mean his vision of normality is pair-bonding so he will want to commit to a compatible person.
We get bullied for our multitude of nerdy/childish interests so if he has no hobbies, it's because he's been crushed by previous partners. A way to connect to him more deeply is to explore what things he used to do - Lego, models, cars, planes, trains etc.and encourage him to indulge - things like visiting museums etc. Let him know you understand and are comfortable with his hobbies.
Think of him as a broken toy that needs to be restored - but keep an eye out for your own needs, wants and desires - just because he's ASD, it doesn't stop him being an a-hole.
Also - if he's 50 and cannot do relationships, how will he interface to any children? Will he run away? Will he just become detached because of the stress of it all?
Proceed with caution!
ermmmm - that depends on the price level - entry level is watch only - expensive level is interactive - or so I'm told - by a friend......
"Cam girls and porn mean it's all under his control and there's no expectations of his performance - especially from a video."Not quite - as he is almost certainly being recorded unless his cam is taped over.
Aspie bloke here - it's very common for the concept of sex to be very interesting to aspies but a lack of experience and confidence in the *real* thing means porn is the only real outlet for desires. The lack of competence in the human interaction mechanisms means that there is soooooo much anxiety going on in his brain that he literally cannot work out what to do when it comes to the crunch. Cam girls and porn mean it's all under his control and there's no expectations of his performance - especially from a video.
Blokes are very simple machines - it's all about concentrating their mind on the job in hand - you need to override the anxiety that is stopping him moving forward.
He won't know he's rejecting you until afterwards when he looks back to asses what happened. It is a type of empathy. NT folk talk of just emapthy but there are a few types. ASD empathy does not work when it is needed. So he can't empathise with you while he is with you - only later on when he's alone or before he sees you - when he is planning his script for the meeting. Copied this which shows three types of empathy -
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy makes us better communicators, because it helps us relay information in a way that best reaches the other person.
Emotional empathy (also known as affective empathy) is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Some have described it as "your pain in my heart." This type of empathy helps you build emotional connections with others.
Compassionate empathy (also known as empathic concern) goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action, to help however we can.
The last one - campassionate - is not empathy but sympathy...
Cognitive - is what we do afer the event - looking back to work it all out. That is the only empathy we have.
Emotional empathy is what you are looking for but he simply can't - just like a perosn with no legs can can't stand. You would never tell the perosn with no legs to - 'make more effort and you my be able to stand and greet'
Hi, thank you for your reply. I didn’t know that. Hmm. I did inoculate things with him, and he tried, but always made excuses not to. I’m slim, toned and look young for my age, but the constant rejection has made me feel insecure. Sadly I don’t think we’ll get back together, even though I love him.
On the sex thing - you'll litterally have to jump on him. No hints of 'moves'... Be direct and almost forceful
It's not normal for an aspie to pay cam girls - but it is normal to not be able to tell thier age - especially through a computer. In pictures I can't tell the difference between a 16 year old and 50 year old. To me they all look the same age. Not so much in real life though as their body language and voice shows thier age. But on a video - they all look the same.
Hi Wmalu, thank you so much for replying, I know I wrote too much. I just had to get it all out. it’s strange because he comes across as having really good morals, goes to church etc, and that what attracted me to him as I’m a Christian too. There’s so much more I could get into, but there’s so much. One of the girls is fully formed with large breasts, but has a young face, the other still looks like she has a young body. It’s hard because I was confused over the Aspergers thing, but then I found this out and I feel like maybe having actual sex might be too intense for him, so he preferred porn. It’s just he was ignoring me, and probably watching these girls. As of last week he was still following them, but ive blocked him since as it hurts, and every time I see those girls I almost wretch, and I shake like a leaf and cry. He never showed me any emotion, I could never tell what he was thinking, and I’m usually really good at knowing. it’s odd because I never usually let myself be treated like that, but he never realised he was doing wrong, so I made excuses for it. I loved him more than my ex fiancé, who I was with for many years, and I’ll never understand why.
Got my attention span together enough to delve into that last paragraph...yikes.
Honestly I personally can't answer the question about "what aspies do", because my religious and cultural background, along with some personal experiences have all made it impossible for me to have a comfortable relationship, aside from any neurodivergence, so i wouldn't have a clue.
however neurotypical or divergent people who may wish for intimacy but have trouble authentically cultivating it for any number of reasons may reserve funds for such services... so for that portion of your question in the very last sentence. it is possible some people who crave intimacy enough may invest in cam services or similar services.....
HOWEVER, I must insist the pedophilic undertones with your specific case, are just that: Specifics. For this man with his disgusting behavior and interests. This man has an issue. Depending on how far his interests span he should probably seek therapy or be in jail. IDK. This is not a trait excused by or connected to being neurodivergnet...no excuse period. It's an individual moral flaw.
There is a lot here and I have a really bad attention span so I skimmed through the end but I read completelyt until he tossed some books at you after he shouted...and the rest of it sounds no better
This sounds like some one who you should distance yourself from
Not because they are autistic but because they as an individual are not a good person it does not seem. based on his attitudes towards you or russian teenagers and everything else I read
being a 50 year old man who likes teenagers and yells at a woman 12 years younger cause he can't get his *** together are individual problems...I wouldn't waste my time if i were you.
i'd press pass on this dude but thats just my opinion, best of luck though