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Family Difficulties

LucyLandRover

Hello,

I have quite a difficult situation at the moment. I do not have contact with my Parents due to being verbaly abused and other issues. My problem is my brother wants to meet up but last time he did this he brought presents from my Mother even though he knew full well I did not want any contact. I have asked him for two years now not to keep doing this but he ignores me.  He emailed me today to ask about bringing presents but I feel he will bring presents from my Mother again which I find distressing. What can I do?  

Parents

  • Hello! 
    As I understand it the problem is more the fact that your wishes keep getting ignored and you don't want that anymore right? 

    I am in a similar situation with my family (them giving me presents I don't want and need and expect me to be grateful) and I am still working on that. 
    My wishes and needs are only respected if I escalate which I don't recommend. 
    My strategy now is that I get really serious and ask them if I could talk to them about something that makes me feel really bad. 
    I tell them to please listen closely and let me talk till I finish. 
    Then I tell them the EXACT problem. Some sentences can look like this: "... bothers me, because ..." ; "I appreciate ... , but..."
    or  "this might seem like something small to you but to me it is not, so please please do/don't ..." 
    and then tell them the consequences if they don't respect your needs. 
    For me this would be "Respect my needs or otherwise I don't want to see you anymore because it causes me too much distress." 

    I will repeat often what I want. And I will do the consequences to show how serious this is. I think really showing that their actions have consequences makes them realize that they need to change their behaviour. 

    I hope this is helpful in some way! I know how draining it is if someone is just not listening. 

Reply

  • Hello! 
    As I understand it the problem is more the fact that your wishes keep getting ignored and you don't want that anymore right? 

    I am in a similar situation with my family (them giving me presents I don't want and need and expect me to be grateful) and I am still working on that. 
    My wishes and needs are only respected if I escalate which I don't recommend. 
    My strategy now is that I get really serious and ask them if I could talk to them about something that makes me feel really bad. 
    I tell them to please listen closely and let me talk till I finish. 
    Then I tell them the EXACT problem. Some sentences can look like this: "... bothers me, because ..." ; "I appreciate ... , but..."
    or  "this might seem like something small to you but to me it is not, so please please do/don't ..." 
    and then tell them the consequences if they don't respect your needs. 
    For me this would be "Respect my needs or otherwise I don't want to see you anymore because it causes me too much distress." 

    I will repeat often what I want. And I will do the consequences to show how serious this is. I think really showing that their actions have consequences makes them realize that they need to change their behaviour. 

    I hope this is helpful in some way! I know how draining it is if someone is just not listening. 

Children
  • in reply to Lythiah

    Hello Lythia,

    thank you so much as you have really understood my pain. Yes, it is more about my wishes being ignored. This is something I have put up with for decade now and it has left me with deep insecurities and a lack of confidence. I have tried to explain but this is rejected. I do not regret not having contact with my mother and wish I had taken this step years ago as it has been liberating.