• Replies 10 replies
  • Subscribers 82 subscribers
  • Views 2036 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Being pushed to the point of explosion

Bumblebee

How do you stop getting to that point of explosion when you feel like you've been pushed into it? 

I am having a real tough time clashing with my mum. She doesn't understand where I am coming from and just thinks I'm being difficult, petty and overreacting to nothing. I am at a point with her where I feel like she either doesn't listen or want to accept that I have some difficulties managing certain situations. I do see where she is coming from to an extent, I can see that my reactions are over the top but I also need her to see where she is contributing to them.

I have asked her many times not to start moving things around or tucking them away without us knowing because I end up getting into a bit of a state. I get worked up because I can't find what I was looking for yet I knew where I had left it. This may sound silly to some but I don't know how many times I have asked her not to for this reason. I don't want to get worked up or angry over something like that when it can easily be avoided. I'm not messy and if I have left an item in a place there is a reason for me doing that. 

I came home tonight and as I was heading up to bed I went to get my charger ... for it to not be where I am expecting it. I start looking around for it and can feel the heat rising and agitation kicking in so I shout upstairs and ask where she has put my charger. She says its in the wicker baskets ... there's about 5 in our front room. I check them all and still cannot find it so now I am getting more wound up and shout no its not in any of them where did you put it. She starts swearing and moaning at me as she comes downstairs, goes into the kitchen and pulls it out of the drawer. She then strops and snaps at me all the way up the stairs and is now ignoring me. I couldn't calm down and every mutter she made just made me more tense angry and worked up. 

In my mood and rage, I then go into the bathroom and went to turn on the light but didn't realise the force I had used doing it. My mum has attached some stupid rope and dangly weight thing (which I have already moaned about before) to the light string .. I pulled the whole string out from the ceiling without meaning too and now we can't turn the light off. This just added to my rage, I couldn't calm down and she was still making comments. After 5 mins or so I go downstairs to try and just calm down and be on my own. It was far too late for me to be this worked up, I knew i wasn't going to be able to sleep for a while now. I start making a cup of tea and she comes downstairs and said what is up with you. 

I couldn't answer at first I actually had no words, lot's of thoughts running in my head but nothing to come out. I then tried to say I was asking where you had put it because it wasn't where I left it or where you said. Then you came down in a mood with me for getting wound up ..but If you had just left it where it was like I have asked so many times before then none of that would have happened. Yes this was probably more aggressive than it needed to be but she come down acting like she hadn't done anything and what was wrong with me. I was still trying to calm myself down and her coming down at that point was not helpful. The looks and comments I got were that I am being unreasonable its just a charger so on .... 

I don't know how many times I have to say it doesn't matter what it is, it could be anything, I don't know how to not react like I do. I have asked if she cant leave my stuff alone then to just help me and take a step back, instead of making it a problem that I have got frustrated, to work with me to solve whatever the issue is. She just doesn't seem to get that either. She would rather get annoyed at me because I've got agitated and add to it than to help me come out of that feeling.

I'm desperate to move out because I can't keep living with her, but after knee surgery, a breakdown and a few work wobbles over the last few years I ended up in some debt from the time off work. I have now almost cleared that but haven't got enough for a deposit yet to rent privately and as a single working adult its hard to get any supported housing. I have been on my council list for the last 6 years and its only the last few months I am ranking 1-5 on properties so I am hopeful in the next 6 months I may finally get offered a council place for myself.

I'm 26 nearly 27 and have already attempted moving out before but found myself only really part moving out and living out of my bag between mums and my ex for 3/4 years. I didn't want to be at home but also couldn't manage being with him fully either. I needed to come back when I had a complete breakdown and my relationship ended and I just needed a reset. Before this the dynamics of the house have always been backwards my mum was diagnosed with EUPD and had tried to take an overdose about 10 years ago. Growing up I spent a lot of the time being the adult of the house and without meaning too I have a lot of resentment towards my mum for her lack of effort over the years, yet regardless to all my struggles I had to bring up my siblings and set us all up and I'm still trying in so many ways. 

I struggle to understand my mum and where she is coming from as I just couldn't do or be the way she is. I know I have to work very hard for things I want and I'm thankful for my intelligence levels, without this I know I would have had a much harder time. My ability and the level of work I produce is what has kept me in jobs and not my behaviour, if it was just on my behaviour I would have lost my job many times over. My mum on the other hand is happy to feel sorry for herself not do anything about it, expect the world to give it to her or moan that it hasn't happened. I think there are already too many tensions in the house as it is and for her to get in a mood with me over me getting frustrated at something she has done I take as a bit of a kick in the teeth as I have put up with so much from her over the years and when I actually need her to be a mum she's acting like a spoilt teenager.

My sister is at home too and gets caught in the middle, I also know when I go there will be even more pressure on her from my mum and thats one of the reasons I felt like I couldn't stay away when I did leave the first time. If we both go at the same time it will cause chaos, my sister can afford to move out but knows without her as peace maker we would clash even more than we do. She will go when I do and would rather move in with me to begin with than to stay behind for a few weeks without me there too. We have got to stop feeling guilty for trying to have a life and not be held back even more because our mum can't sort herself out. We cover everything financially from the bills to filling up the cupboards because its too stressful trying to get mum to contribute, we all know when we go she will not be able to maintain the house the way we have been. This makes it difficult to leave too because we do care about her she is and always will be our mum but at what point do you say enough is enough I need to be the child in this relationship and not the adult.

So for now I have to hold on and stay here until I either have sorted enough savings to go private or get given a council place to rent but not sure how I can keep going on like this. Does anyone else experience things like this? I can understand how stupid it sounds getting into that state over a phone charger and I am pretty sure if it was someone else that had moved it I would have got a little frustrated but not to the point that I did. I also don't think most people would have stropped at me if they had got the location wrong either they would say sorry I thought I put it there but I must have moved it. Instead it was my fault that i couldn't find it. But my mum does know and we have similar arguments on a regular basis why she can't just take on board what I am saying or failing that not get so stroppy with me when I can't help get frustrated when I have asked her a million times not to. 

Now like always she is trying to make me feel guilty for exploding on her .. which I do I wish I didn't get into this state at all but on the same breath I really wish she would stop making these situations harder to calm down from if anything she adds fuel to the fire and I have no idea how to stop myself going from getting agitated to full blown rage and anger when it happens so quickly!

I am still waiting on my assessment date so I am stuck in limbo with what proffessional help and support I can get until I have had this (I've been told April/May I should have my assessment after an 18month wait) I know I shouldn't react like that over a charger but it wasn't just that its the principle of the same arguments over and over again and feeling completely unheard or dismissed. I'm quick to apologise for my reaction but also say why I got to that point and If I don't get the acknowledgement or apology I feel I warrant its extremely hard to let the anger go. 

I don't know how many times I have to explain myself for her to stop putting me in these positions or then having a go at me for feeling the way I do and never acknowledging the part she played in it, she just acts dumb to it like I'm going crazy for nothing which just adds to the frustration.

Sorry this became a rant, if anything this has helped me calm right back down and I may even be able to start looking to go to bed! Any advice on how to manage anger would be appreciated. I'm at a point where I am not sure how I even change my feelings and reactions or if that is possible I can't help react the way I do and its always because someone or something has caused me to get to that point. I don't ever feel like I kick off for no reason and thats where its hard to drop the mood when I know why I am so angry but I'm not being understood.

  • That does all sound pretty frustrating.  Best way to handle anger is to stop and think "will this matter in 5 years time ". The hard  bit is the stopping.

  • in reply to Bumblebee

    Moving out was transformative for me, and it sounds like you're well on yoyr way! Good luck.

  • in reply to COOKIES280

    Thanks! I definitely feel better for getting it out and yes I'll take the advice to minimise the amount of arguments we have over things like this!

  • in reply to Mark (NicheMarket)

    Thankyou for your reply, I think I will have to put my things i know i want regularly away in my room and shut the doors. I'm sure she will still find ways to repeat this kind of stuff I just need to try minimise them. 

    Possibly, my younger brother I would also say has AS, we are very very similar with behaviours and responses and he had more interventions as a child for bad behaviour ect. My mum was a single mum too and I guess everyone assumed it was poor parenting for his outbursts and they had to do classes. I had a teacher when I was 8 tell my mum she thinks I should be assessed but she took offence to it and didn't want to highlight how much she was struggling on her own with 3 children. 

    There is a long line of history on my mums side for mental health issues and I think now I have been on the route to getting a diagnosis she may be seeing some areas that she can see in herself. But we are completely different in so many ways and I think it comes down to confidence in our own ability. I know I am a very good learner and most things I can pick up very quickly. If I don't know something or get something wrong it tends to be because I've not been shown it or was asked to do something else. She will see it that shes the reason it went wrong and won't say when she doesn't know.

    But then this could be down to upbringings, she had it extremely tough and lost her mum at 9 and her dad in her early twenties. This is half the problem I do feel for her she has had it really hard but doesn't do anything to help herself and I struggle to deal with that or when she is moaning. I don't have much sympathy my response is to try and come up with a solution and thats never what she wants to hear. 

    I know it won't take too long to save enough for a deposit but I have only just got my finances back a little in front. Another few months and I will have a bit of savings and can look to go. I also want to have a bit of money on top of that to make the place feel like mine so there a fair bit of planning I want to do and haven't got that money for it just yet. 

    Its refreshing and sad to hear others have a similar relationship with their mum and I do know it will be easier and better for both of us when we have that time apart, its just getting to that point haha!

  • Oh gosh, poor you. That does all sound triggering, and it's good you can see some yur mother's perspective too. My guess is you can't change her, so it'll somehow be learning to change your response to her, moving out, or working on ideas like suggested. I was also thinking that you could ask her where she wants things left, eg basket, drawer, somewhere else. I know though if it was my mother she'd tell me one thing, and then still move it. These are her issues, but she's unable to acknowledge or even recognise them. Could be your mother has her own issues too.

    Are you talking with someone about moving out? Sometimes friends or advisers can help us see routes that are easier than we thought. I had some daft ideas about what i needed before getting my own place and had saved way more than was actually needed. So could have done it years before.

    And I get your relationship with your mum. Yeah I love her in some unbreakable way, care about her, feel compassion, and duty; but I don't like her as a person, we share no interests, no views, and she can only talk negatively about othersin the family ir worry about them. Everyone hides everything from her so there's no scope for authenticity chatting to her. So I really don't want to see her, and she can still trigger me within minutes of arriving. Like my sister says, she knows our weakest spots to go for. She triggers the others too.

  • in reply to Bumblebee

    I completely understand the position your in! I get on well with my mum now we don't live together. Can't live with my mum more than a couple days before stuff like this starts. 

    I always put it down to my mum was trying to help in some way when moving things or chucking stuff out etc but she never understood why not to do it Unamused 

    As I say best thing is to keep stuff you do t want moved out of the way somewhere, hopefully that will prevent some if not all of these types of arguments Slight smile

    And always feel free to post on here or pm if you find yourself about to explode Slight smile

  • in reply to COOKIES280

    Thanks! It definitely helped getting it out and now I'm getting ready to try and get some sleep! 

    I don't know if I will be able to manage long term when it comes to my mum, if she wasn't just that I wouldn't still have her in my life. I don't cope very well with people like her and its incredibly frustrating having that fight between not liking your mum but caring about her too.

    I know the best solution to this will be when I move out. I'm just not sure how to stop these arguments until then, when she doesn't listen to why we got to that point and I can't seem to let it slide - it gets to me too much. If she asked me not to do something like that then I wouldn't do it again and I would have apologised. Why its not the same for her baffles me!

  • Also. If it helps you vent to someone. Feel free to chat if you need to Slight smile

  • That does all sound pretty frustrating. When I lived with my parents, the best thing I did was to keep everything in a draw or cupboard in my room out of the way. As for managing anger in these specific situations, I just sit down for a minute when I feel myself getting like this and tell myself that il find it and not to get myself so worked up ( doesn't always work) bit I mean I always find best to avoid these kinda situations in the first place. 

    Sorry if I wasn't much help Slight smile