Just wanted to start off by saying that this is not me self-diagnosing at all, just me looking for advice!
I am 21 years old and I have been suspecting that I have autism. For background, I am formally diagnosed with Generalised anxiety disorder and depression. Since I was a young child, I have had a variety of issues, which was always put down to my anxiety but I am starting to suspect it is something else. My 15 year old brother has just been diagnosed and whilst there are some similarities, there are also some differences, and I know if I try talking to my parents about this they will just think I'm reaching or looking for attention. When I was around 9, I went to the doctors who said that I had all the signs of autism. I went to a doctor for a second opinion and he said I couldn't have autism because I was too anxious? Now, I know now that the two can coexist, my brother has anxiety, autism and depression so I'm not too sure what he meant when he said that.
Here is what has me considering this:
-For starters, I have always struggled socially. I have always hated talking to people, because I don't really know what to say or do, and that causes me anxiety. I hate eye contact, and I know that it is socially acceptable to look people in the eyes to appear engaged but I just can't seem to do it. I never feel natural talking to people, especially people outside of my close family, I don't know what the appropiate way to respond to someone is - for example, when someone asks 'How are you?' I struggle to know how to respond, and I usually end up forgetting to ask the person back how they are, and have been told off for being rude due to that. However, I've always had friends, but I struggle to maintain them. As I've gotten older I've become better at putting on a front when talking to other people and 'acting' (having jobs has helped hugely with that) but it is exhausting to keep that up. I like being by myself, but when I was at school I knew that it was 'weird' to be by yourself so always worried about looking 'different'. I struggle especially with phone calls, and despite being 21 I have to get my mum to make phone calls for me, and when that isn't possible I have her next to me. I hate messaging people, and usually wait hours, sometimes days, before responding to a text or email. Sometimes I get other family members to reply for me because I don't know how to respond. I also talk very loudly, especially when I'm interested in something, and I'm always being told 'calm down' and talk quieter.
-I stim, and always have done, since I was very young (I know stimming isn't exclusive to autism). I used to get teased for doing this at school, so I've learnt to repress them a bit when in public. My most common one is flapping my hands (this is what I would get teased for), so when I'm in public I do it with my hands by my side. I also tap my feet, shake my legs, rock back and forwards, tap my fingers, rub and scratch my skin and sometimes I vocally stim. Other ones I do which aren't as common are clapping, cracking my knuckles and shaking my head.
-Now, this one is a little weird, but after researching it I have found out that it is a common sign of sensory processing disorder. I hate soap. It's weird, and I don't like to tell people because I don't want people thinking I'm unhygienic. There is only one soap I don't find disgusting, and that's one I've used since I was young so I grew to be used to it. If I use soap that isn't that, I become physically disgusted - like I will actually retch. It's a mixture of things I hate about it - the smell, the texture, even after washing my hands they'll feel weird. I don't know how to explain it, it's just a real aversion, and I'll avoid touching things in public or refuse to go to the toilet when I'm out so I don't have to wash my hands. It's not just soap - shampoo, toothpaste, cleaning fluid, even some make-up. I just hate it so much.
-I become hyperfixated on things. Like, I can't just have an interest 'normally', I pour hours into it, and I'll annoy people about it because it's all I'll want to talk about. My big special interest since I was around 11 are vampires - anything to do with vampires I love, I'll digest any media to do with it, I'll daydream about them etc. It becomes a problem when I can't focus on work or other important things because I just want to do things about my interests. My current big one is minecraft, and I'm so behind on uni work because I can't do my work without spending hours watching minecraft videos instead. I annoy my little sister to death because I'll just end up talking about minecraft youtubers, and will unintentioanlly ignore her or talk over what she's saying (I don't mean to be rude).
-I get sensory overload, particulary auditory. I get very anxious and annoyed? agitated? (I don't know what the right word is) by people talking, laughing, coughing, even breathing can trigger me. My mum says I am very intolerant, which I guess is true. I also sometimes get uncomfortable with things touching me - like sometimes I will hate the feeling of my jumper, or my bed sheets.
-I have a very strict, self-imposed routine that I must stick to otherwise I get very anxious. When I was younger, I'd get very upset and it'd cause me panic attacks if my routine was changed. The older I've got, the more flexible I have become about it, but it still gives me anxiety. The routine I have currently comes down to the exact minute - for example, at exactly 4:55 I stop uni work and watch television until 6, and then at that point I will watch Youtube. I have to have things planned out, even in my downtime, I can't just 'chill' for the day. During lockdown I became very anxious because I didn't have a set routine.
-I am very clumsy, and have poor hand-eye coordination. I didn't start walking until I was 2 years old. I couldn't learn to skip until I was 9 years old, and I didn't run 'properly' until middle school (I had my classmates actually teach me how to run because I wasn't running correctly). I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which can also cause this, but thought I should still mention it.
I don't really know what to do about this. I know from my brother that the whole process is difficult and long, and I worry even more because of my age. As I mentioned earlier I also don't want to talk to my parents about this, and if I went to the doctors and started investigating it they would find out as I still live at home. Is it worth looking into this? Any advice would be much appreciated.
