This is really difficult to explain, but I’m interested in knowing if anyone experiences anything similar. I find it incredibly difficult to express my thoughts as words whether that be verbally or as words on a page. I feel like I’m trying to translate this “mental code” that I semi-consciously understand into either text or speech. I like to say that English isn’t my mother tongue, it’s this weird mental code which I then translate into English. This doesn’t just apply to communication, I think it applies to all aspects of my life. If I’m reading an Article, I have to scan the texture of the words with my mind, I might recall certain facts but to truly understand something I have to understand the mental code. When people talk or I listen to music, I see words/lines/squiggles in my minds eye. This all links back to the whole mental code/texture thing. I’m not sure how long I’ve felt like this, but I definitely only started to notice in the past 5 years or so. I used to worry that this was all just my bipolar talking and yes the experience was amplified tenfold but I definitely still experience this in my usual state. I’m not always aware of this but when I am I can’t switch it off. When I become too aware of this everything feels confusing and disingenuous and I may end up “freezing”. I still don’t feel like I’ve explained myself very well but that’s the best I could. Does this resonate with anyone?
