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Mental Code/Texture

False Surrender

This is really difficult to explain, but I’m interested in knowing if anyone experiences anything similar. I find it incredibly difficult to express my thoughts as words whether that be verbally or as words on a page. I feel like I’m trying to translate this “mental code” that I semi-consciously understand into either text or speech. I like to say that English isn’t my mother tongue, it’s this weird mental code which I then translate into English. This doesn’t just apply to communication, I think it applies to all aspects of my life. If I’m reading an Article, I have to scan the texture of the words with my mind, I might recall certain facts but to truly understand something I have to understand the mental code. When people talk or I listen to music, I see words/lines/squiggles in my minds eye. This all links back to the whole mental code/texture thing. I’m not sure how long I’ve felt like this, but I definitely only started to notice in the past 5 years or so. I used to worry that this was all just my bipolar talking and yes the experience was amplified tenfold but I definitely still experience this in my usual state. I’m not always aware of this but when I am I can’t switch it off. When I become too aware of this everything feels confusing and disingenuous and I may end up “freezing”. I still don’t feel like I’ve explained myself very well but that’s the best I could. Does this resonate with anyone?

Parents

  • Hello, good to meet you. That's awesome you can do that. It might have something to do with synesthesia. I can partially relate with finding it difficult to express my thoughts as words. I get stuck somewhere. 

  • in reply to name

    It’s nice to know someone else is still awake, my sleeping habits are terrible lol. I’ve heard of synesthesia but it seems less specific than that. I think difficulty of expression is a fairly common trait of ASD. Even when I try to use the techniques I’ve described I often feel like there isn’t a direct translation of the things I’m trying to convey and the most faithful interpretation would end up resulting in a huge monologue.

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  • in reply to name

    It’s nice to know someone else is still awake, my sleeping habits are terrible lol. I’ve heard of synesthesia but it seems less specific than that. I think difficulty of expression is a fairly common trait of ASD. Even when I try to use the techniques I’ve described I often feel like there isn’t a direct translation of the things I’m trying to convey and the most faithful interpretation would end up resulting in a huge monologue.

Children