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Autism and University

NAS39212

Hi all,

I have posted here before, I am in my early 20s and have a boyfriend who has autism. I, however, am not autistic but do my best to understand him and his needs. He is currently at university and has been studying at various levels for the past few years. He has an essay coming up and is very stressed, hence why I am posting. He has meltdowns and gets very aggressive, angry, and depressed when he gets stressed over his work in particular. He is getting like this now and I can just feel my dread and anxiety over dealing with the coming weeks, so support would be really appreciated. 

This is not unusual in the slightest. Whenever he has worked on any essay in the past, these emotions will arise at some point during the process, so I suppose in a way that I have been waiting for it. He is having to learn a lot of new things at this university opposed to the last one, and that is his source of stress this time around. It is not unusual for him to desire to or threaten to quit at times like this, even though I know deep down that would not suit him or do any good, he is academic at heart. There are all kind of ups and downs during the course of his essays: he may be positive or apprehensive at the start, he feels good about getting going and then gets frustrated that he 'isn't doing it right'. His frustration and meltdowns may be a matter of hours or days. He may be positive and fine one day and then really aggressive the next. He was offered help and support geared towards his autism at his previous university, but after a meeting or two, turned this down saying he just wanted to get on with his work. He is high-functioning and I think sometimes is in denial that he is actually autistic. He even has said before that he doesn't think he is autistic because 'he doesn't think he is clever enough'. He has been diagnosed and of what I have read on the condition, he definitely fits the bill perfectly. Everyone who knows him would agree he is amazingly intelligent and are blown away by it, but he is so prone to overthinking that he is his own worst enemy when he is like this and he is overwhelmed with information.

I was wondering if there was any easy way of approaching him in regards to getting some kind of help for his autism from this university? I not trying to shove him elsewhere because I can't be bothered, I just know there is only so much I can do and I am not a professional. I speak to him very gently and always try to calm him, but I never know if I do things right. The other issue is that I have a tendency to always drop whatever I am doing to ensure I have calmed him first. This afternoon that was OK as I wasn't busy and have the time too. But there have been times where I have literally put essays with eminent due dates aside to ensure he was OK. I can't exactly get on with work if he's shouting etc. anyway. I just predict that until the essay is submitted in mid-December, it will be this roller coaster of emotions again. I try my best but he does throw some hurtful words at me and his family when he gets like this, and I am affected by what he says sometimes even if I know he doesn't mean it. I am also due to start a new job shortly, and although it is a work from home job, I will still be very busy and unable to pander to his every need during those hours. Additionally, I have a lot of anxiety about these things so I want to keep my stress levels low if at all possible. I will perform better that way.

Do any of you have advice on dealing with these meltdowns, mood swings and lack of interest in getting support? Even just a few supportive words would be very much appreciated.

Also, as a side note, are there any good books or reading materials that aid with understanding high-functioning autism or being a relationship with someone who has it? Been looking for this kind of thing for a while.

Thanks all.

Parents

  • Hello, 

    I'm sorry I don't know if there are any resources for being in a relationship with someone who has Autism but I have just been diagnosed and am also studying at University as a mature student. I know how stressful assessment period is, finding the confidence and motivation and wanting to do it perfectly. It's exhausting, overwhelming and emotionally draining. 

    That being said, it's not OK for him to take this out on you and make you feel like this. Have you had a conversation with him about how his behaviour impacts you and makes you feel? I think that's important, because you can make lots of allowances for people but they also have to take some responsibility for their behaviour. It might not seem the right time with assessments looming but it might just push him to get some support. You could also maybe access some counselling for yourself as it sounds like things are very difficult for you and you can see them getting worse, and it's important to look after yourself and your wellbeing. 

    I know that communication can be difficult for people with Autism, it was for me for years. But it's an important component in any relationship. If you can't have a verbal conversation, find a different way of saying what you need like a letter. I think that he needs to hear how he is making you feel because it's not all about him. 

    Good luck. 

Reply

  • Hello, 

    I'm sorry I don't know if there are any resources for being in a relationship with someone who has Autism but I have just been diagnosed and am also studying at University as a mature student. I know how stressful assessment period is, finding the confidence and motivation and wanting to do it perfectly. It's exhausting, overwhelming and emotionally draining. 

    That being said, it's not OK for him to take this out on you and make you feel like this. Have you had a conversation with him about how his behaviour impacts you and makes you feel? I think that's important, because you can make lots of allowances for people but they also have to take some responsibility for their behaviour. It might not seem the right time with assessments looming but it might just push him to get some support. You could also maybe access some counselling for yourself as it sounds like things are very difficult for you and you can see them getting worse, and it's important to look after yourself and your wellbeing. 

    I know that communication can be difficult for people with Autism, it was for me for years. But it's an important component in any relationship. If you can't have a verbal conversation, find a different way of saying what you need like a letter. I think that he needs to hear how he is making you feel because it's not all about him. 

    Good luck. 

Children
  • in reply to SallyCinnamon

    Hi, thank you for your input and sorry for the delay. He is also a mature student and most certainly a perfectionist when it comes to his work.I am currently reading a book - 'marriage and lasting relationships with asperger's syndrome' and its been helpful in understanding his behaviour and not blaming myself.

    Yes one of the things I struggle with most is where to draw the line - what is autistic behaviour he can't help that I should ignore and what is verbal abuse I shouldn't tolerate. I have told him many times how his anger affects me and he's seen me in tears over it before. He is very sorry and apologetic when he's calm but in the moment its like he has no control over it and has to vent to release. Its in that moment that I just feel powerless over the situation.

    I'm definitely willing to work on this and hopefully talking to him, or a letter like you say, could make a difference. I know he won't change completely, he can't change the fact he has ASD and that's OK. I always tell him I don't want him to change but rather improve is a better word. I also need to realize that sometimes its OK to think of myself and my own mental health.