Although it's been quite intense overall I'm basically relieved to realise I'm autistic. Here's some positives:
- I realise I exhaust myself with projects, to-do lists, sticking to the smallest commitments and I'm working on letting go
- It does give me a sense of identity and somehow let's me off the hook of defining myself, I can pigeon hole myself a bit rather than constantly trying to define myself by what I do and think
- It gives me a bit of a sense of belonging, something I've been missing all my life
- I realise I'm more at ease with other autists so will look to create the conditions where I can make more friends with autists
- I realise I shutdown, which is problematic at times, and so hopefully I can work on this
- I realise I fail to interpret flirting and moves. Now I know this hopefully I'll do better and maybe even manage to get into a relationship
- I can better understand some patterns of behaviour that get in the way of life and hopefully can work around them better
- It's been cathartic. I've always carried around this sense of grief and loneliness and reading about autism in children has helped me name that. I've cried buckets and that's been a really healthy release
- Reading books by autists has put into words lots of sensations, feelings, memories, upsets that I've had that I couldn't articulate for myself. I'm sort of more in tune with myself through other people's thinking
- I realise people can't see my feelings and emotions, and that's why I don't get the empathy, sympathy and support I sometimes need
- I realise how profoundly I just want to fit in
- Although I think, feel, say I don't care about being in a relationship I realise I do hanker after connection, cuddles, support, being seen, daily connection with someone who knows my stuff. I haven't joined the dots, I do actually want one just can't see the whole for the detail
- I seem to be softening, in touch with my vulnerability, becoming more accessible and "normal" even
- I'm understanding some of my quirks, like being anxious about being on time, and able to observe them and maybe relate different to them
- I'm able to name and own some of the strengths of thinking differently and hope to build on these
- Friends get where I'm coming from better and are able to nuance their advice. Some are listening better, taking me on board more
It's been full on finding out, but I'm back to being me, and looking forward to a new and improved version of me coming out of all this.
