Hello,
I'm a 21 year old female and I'm going to try to get a diagnosis soon but I'm very nervous. I'm not sure what to expect and I'm afraid of being invalidated. I don't have enough money to go private so I will have to go through the NHS. I've struggled my whole life communicating and relating to my peers and I don't have any friends. I'm not necessarily "shy". I can happily approach most people and let them know exactly what's on my mind but in terms of having organic conversation - i'm never sure what to say. I've been called "weird" or "crazy" throughout school and university. That didn't bother me as much when I was younger because I loved my uniqueness but it bothered me a bit more as i grew older because i started to put more effort into fitting in. At one point i did try to adopt interests such as boys, makeup, fashion, gossip/drama etc. so that i could maybe relate to my peers a bit better but it was all confusing, all boring, all hard, all frustrating, and i wasn't met with much kindness because it was obvious to people i was faking. Because i was trying to fit in I also got taken advantage of a lot and quite easily (but i didn't really realise it). I'd usually get my mum or sister to help interpret social situations/ people's intentions for me but sometimes I can't ask them for help. Especially if the nature of my concern was "rated 18+ ". My mum wants me to refrain from 18+ situations so its hard to get advice from her if I'm stuck in an 18+ situation. I don't enjoy drinking or any substances - i tried alcohol for a little while to relate to my peers a little bit better. again - that did not work. I'm worried I won't come off as... "autistic enough?" in my appointment. although throughout my life a lot of people have pointed out to me that I might be autistic. I didn't really think i was because I was more used to the male presentations and I just didn't think i could relate to the male presentations so well. although i got along a lot better with autistic people, autistic males included, than neurotypical people. I get along a lot better with guys because they tend to be way less judgemental of me and communication is easier because they're a bit less complicated with a bit less complicated interests. I would like to befriend girls as well but most have been quite cruel to me throughout my life (aside from my sister and mother of course).
A list of some of my fun little quirks; i'm quite opinionated to the point some people consider me to be "intense" but I always mean well and i never want to hurt anyone, i wear the same outfit everyday; black t shirt, leggings and trainers because my choice is comfortable and practical and i dont know how to put other outfits together too well and i dont really want to. I eat the same thing for lunch everyday and my prefered breakfast is cereal. I love nicknames. nobody ever gives me one and I often have to give myself one which nobody calls me by. I love to laugh and smile. my default expression is usually smiling because I'm always happy. I love animals, my latest craze have been Chimpanzees. As a kid it was dogs; i knew everything about every breed but I never owned a dog. which was fine because I'm afraid of interacting with dogs... as I'm afraid of interacting with Chimpanzees. I think Corduroy fabrics looks quite pretty but the touch of them makes me feel nauseous. I'm not sure what this fabric is called (I've been trying to discover it) but the material of jackets and the inside of suitcases etc. really hurt me. the sound of and touch make me extremely uncomfortable as they are painful. I'm hopeless at learning motor skills but I'm quicker to pick up theory. Following instructions makes me quite stressed out. When I'm laughing I rock but I've taught myself to resist doing that unless I'm on my own. I have 0 danger awareness, I often need help knowing if something or someone is dangerous. I struggle to ask for help. I'm not sure why. My mum says I'm secretly her neediest child because I present myself as very independent but its really because I don't ask for help and she often has to judge when i need help. I'm trying to train myself to ask help but its been extremely difficult. extremely. I don't like shopping with other people as a social activity - i don't understand it or see the point in it and I don't like opening my door or answering the phone but i like meeting new people in person. I don't like rules but I'm usually a huge stickler for them. If you tell me not do something i wont appreciate that you've done that but i usually wont do it. For example "no talking in class", i never spoke in class which is part of why i didn't make friends i think. I don't like teachers / lecturers either because they're stressful people that tell me what to do and I like to keep professional relationships professional and formal. Absolutely no mixing of relationships whatsoever. but they like me because i work hard and do what I'm told. I don't talk to them in a social way though. When I'm confused/ frustrated/feeling attacked I shut down by going completely silent until the person talking to me leaves me alone or until the situation is over. I don't like small talk a single bit but I do have memorised phrases on how to reciprocate. unfortunately my patients at uni try to engage in small talk all the time. but its not their fault. I'm quite pragmatic and I like to go into social situations or conversations with plans. I don't like swear words but I'm fine if people swear. Some people even know how to make swear words sound quite funny.
What hurts my feelings is when people exchange weird looks with each other when i'm talking to them. When I'm called weird or crazy when i think i'm doing a good job socialising. when people dont understand they need to be quite clear with their instructions and get mad at me for not understand what they were trying to imply for me to do. When people shout. and when i'm excluded from doing fun things by people who i thought liked me.
What I would love and hoping a diagnosis might help me with; to make a friend. I would like to know what I'm doing wrong that's preventing me from making any. I would also like for people outside my immediate family to stop reacting to me badly. I don't enjoy people giving me weird looks when i talk or rejecting me or calling me names. I never say anything mean because i never have a bad thought about anyone so i don't deserve to be treated this way. Even my extended family don't understand me at all and think me not wanting to talk on the phone is me not liking them or trying to be rude but actually i don't like to speak to anyone on the phone. I think i have good self confidence and I enjoy being myself. But I am quite tired of being very lonely and isolated. I'm lonely to the point it's giving me bad depression. I would like to watch movies with somebody. I would like to stop getting in trouble for misunderstandings. I don't like being shouted at by e.g. uni lecturers for misunderstanding something or not being treated too nicely because it's taking me a little time to learn something motor. It would also be a relief to find out why I struggle to fit in.
If people spoke to me more they'd realise that i'm quite a social person and i'm a good listener, chill and friendly.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect? anything to help me stay calm so i can make the phone call, or just anything really?
thank you for reading
