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What's me, and what's the mask?

Mark (NicheMarket)

 I'm recently realised I'm AS. I'm doing well with it, but I'm struggling to understand what's really me, and what I do as a mask. I wonder what others' understanding and experiences is?

I'm really lucky that at 21 I did find a crowd which accepted me and I found my place in. I can now see how I've built a life, job, home, environment around me that accommodates my AS and especially my sensory issues. Socially I've ploughed my own furrow and do have a countercultural group around me where I kinda fit in, though I don't know how at ease I actually am. I have friends, but I don't connect. I have been and am really fortunate, and I suspect I don't have to mask as much as others.

But 2 years ago I met a new friend. We became really close really quickly and saw each other all the time, you could say he was a special interest. Really early on I just felt "safe" around him. I think now I'd say "at ease." I experienced what relaxed was maybe for the first time. I realise now he was almost definitely AS too. (Sadly his girlfriend demanded he stop seeing me as she felt he prioritised me over her, another story). At first I just thought he drew out a different side of my personality, but now I'm wondering if I was able to just drop my mask. I started to realise i was AS because of how quirky I behaved around him. I've had a glimmer of a different me, and if that's the real me I want more of it.

I wondered what others experience of understanding their true self is? Of understanding how they mask? And their journey of shedding their mask?

 I'm still confused that my experience of life isn't the same for everyone. I'm sure NT's have to mask, and perform too. Do I do it more and more often? Is my experience different to theirs? Do they know the mask from themselves? But most importantly I want to know what's my mask and what's really me.

Parents

  • according to buddhism/Zen there is no you. '

    You', 'I',  is a bunch of thoughts. Its freaky I know. Trying to find yourself without a mentor can be a hairy experience without guidance.

    If you are autistic your experience and processing of thoughts is definitely different from NT people and may be unique even to You.

    An MRI scan of Temple Grandin ( famous autistic author / researcher ) showed she had a mass of connections from the front to the back of her brain not seen in normal brains.  

    If you want to uncover the real you try Meditation ( mindfulness at first ). After year of meditation I was able to see through the 7/8 personas / Masks I have waiting.  Dont look at your Masks as bad they are useful at times. Its your minds way of coping for now. 

  • in reply to aidie

    Thanks aidie. I'll go back to meditation. A simpler question would probably have been to ask what masking is, but now I've seen the 'related content' I'll dig into those. It's all become a bit of a new special interest and i've too many of those already!

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