I've been banned from calling the Samaritans, firstly. They banned me for I think calling about 5-6 times a day. This ban was put on 2 weeks ago and will last 3 months.
The local GPs are friendly enough when I've made appointments with them recently but they admit medication doesn't help me (tried various in the past and the side effects are far too much to handle) and they also understand therapy doesn't do much either, as I've had that about six times now. They re-refer me to the Autism team who don't do much at all besides diagnosis and the occasional social group.
I feel bullied by people where I live in a subtle way. It's rejection mostly. When I go for walks I get dirty looks from people. I'm fairly sure this is because I'm a a writer, with intellectual habits and mannerisms. I wear smart trousers with tucked in shirts, sometimes a tie and smart coats. I don't like dressing other ways much. The only other people who dress like that here are businesspeople and they don't go for walks. I haven't got a car and am not keen on public transport. I pass many cyclists, joggers and walkers and I've started to simply look the other way and pretend they're not there. I'm tired of being judged by people.
I had a flat and it was a disappointment, my neighbours hated me. So I left it and returned to my parents' house. It's better but there are problems. My dad is uncomfortable with me and has never accepted the way I am. He's a retired electrician who likes football and watching TV. He doesn't really understand or appreciate my way of thinking or talking. This feeling of being unwanted can be depressing.
The article I've had published hasn't had a single comment and I wasn't paid for it. I don't like to think my experiences have been for nothing. I received racist abuse from Welsh people as a child after moving there from England, though I've no doubt their main reason for disliking me was my Autism. I had a mental breakdown in school, didn't finish and winded up over the years in four psychiatric wards. I published a novel too that received bad reviews.
Of course people will say write more, most writers weren't initially successful. Fair enough. However I've got digestive issues too. Most foods I eat make me feel more anxious or depressed. All I can eat with minimal disruption to me is bananas, avocados, cabbage, broccoli and meat. I'm tired. Maybe I ought to stay in my bed just how Nikolai Gogol the Russian writer did. I really don't think people understand writers experience depression on another level, it's deeper when you think about life a lot. For many people depression is due to a relationship breakdown or one specific circumstance. I remember feeling terrible anxiety at the age of 5 when I went to a nursery,. I think some people are simply tortured souls and probably I'm one of them.
Every woman I've liked too has also rejected me, and to make this even worse I have sometimes attracted many women when they first saw me. This is because as a sharp dresser and being half-Jewish I have tanned skin and look quite suave. But then when they lose interest due to lack of social skills, that just hammers home how much Autism is disabling me. I met a woman one day while walking near the lake, she asked for a date the next day at a specified time then didn't show up. I was led on by another woman who then had no interest at all. And it's just a catalogue of misery. My social skills are never good enough for people.
Truth be told I don't think anyone really cares. I regularly tell my mum I'm thinking of it and she sympathises a bit but soon changes the subject. I put it on Facebook and not one of my friends on there answered, even though they usually interact with me. So they're fine as long as I'm happy but couldn't care less otherwise.
At the root of it all I believe is some biological cause. I must mention again that almost every food I eat makes me feel ill. If I eat corn I get depressed. If I eat rice I become overanxious. Eating potatoes makes me confused and disoriented. Meat, cabbage, broccoli, avocados and bananas so far as I know are the foods that do not take a toll on me.
