I suspect I am suffering a major identity crisis at the moment, along with poor mental health (anxiety and depression, in touch with GP). I've been listening to 'Odd Girl Out' by Laura James. She spoke about her diagnosis as being like being told you are a cat after believing you are a dog your entire life. I kind of get that, except I've never been certain I am a dog, not a cat.
I'm constantly second guessing/analysing my every thought, action and reaction. I don't think the pandemic has helped. So many mixed messages. Things like not shaking hands and wanting to browse shops or be out without purpose were deemed odd before, now it's law (or advised against) to not do those things.
I'm pretty self aware and try and explain things. This has resulted in an argument between me and my partner. I think that's what's happened. He made us brunch but put the beans on my toast rather than the gap I left. I over reacted, apologised and explained I was thankful for him cooking and maybe I need to take another week off work if I am reacting so badly to something as minor as beans on toast. I think he said something about not explaining things and went to eat elsewhere. That was 3 hours ago.
I have no idea what to do. Do I go talk to him? If he is moody because I'm explaining then explaining will surely make up cross again? If I leave it then things will possibly get worse? I certainly catastrophize things but I rationalise it so it makes sense. How can I be with someone and work out what they need if I can't do that myself?
I don't want to exist anymore. I wish I never existed so didn't have to think so much. This is too hard. I don't know who I am, what I am, how to be etc. How do you know what to accept, when to accept and what to change? I've tried working on so much and nothing seems to be helping. I don't want to exist with everything being such a massive challenge with some ambiguity around everything.
I'm sure there have been points in my life where I have been happy and known what I want and who I am. I just can't remember it and I just don't know what to do. Apologise, I'm not even sure I'm looking for responses. I'm just so lost.
