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Feeling overwhelmed

NAS63316

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've been here..

Partly I just want to vent because I'm just having so many undefined/unclear feelings that it's driving me nuts, but also I'm trying to work out if I should be worried about some things.

So I've been offered an intial assessment for diagnosis, which is great - I couldn't stop crying when I got the letter through a couple of weeks ago, since the referral went in back in October, so it's been a long wait and I know it's gonna take longer still to formally get a diagnosis. I'm really glad that this next step has come through and some progress can be made, but also, none of the worries I have surrounding a diagnosis have eased at all. I'm still so scared about telling my family because they don't understand and I don't know how to make them understand. I'm still really worried that maybe I'm not autistic at all and I'm just weird and wrong and broken, and looking for excuses for why I can't seem to manage my third year of uni (I'm about to start attempt #3). And a big issue for me over the last few years that's seriously affected my ability to complete my academics are housemates. I'm really, desperately hopeful for this year because there's only 3 of us here, and I know that one of the other two is also autistic, and I've known her for 12 years now.

What worries me is that her mum has, to be blunt about it, been talking *** about me. My friend's mum, who's known me half my life, thinks that I'm going to 'drag [my friend] down with me'. Or that I'll be a bad influence, or whatever else, I don't even know. And I'm kind of surprised by how much that hurts. I mean, my friend's mum and I have had very different opinions on a lot of things for a long, LONG time, and we haven't really interacted for a while now. But I'm surprised and hurt by the fact that she thinks that about me and doesn't know me better than that. It's not like my issues have been because I go out drinking 4 times a week, or that I don't put any effort in or anything else you might think of an underachieving student. I have tried. I've tried so fucking hard and I struggle so much, but I've put 4 years into this degree so far and I don't want to waste it by coming out without a qualification. And I've finally started to realise a part of why I've had so much trouble, and that maybe I haven't been getting the best support for me, the support I actually needed, and knowing that someone who's known me so long thinks that I'm lazy or stupid and not that maybe I need some help that I haven't been getting, it really hurts and also makes me angry. I almost wish my friend hadn't told me. But part of me is also glad she did.

I'm still worried about whether or not these housemates will be good ones (and that I'll be an acceptable housemate to them). Because I've thought previously that living with these housemates or those housemates would work out and it's been fine in the beginning but slowly gone downhill until I'm too stressed and anxious and uncomfortable around them to even leave my room. I'm worried about finances because this is the most expensive place I've lived since halls, but there are definitely perks that are worth the cost. I just have to be able to manage my money which I've always been terrible at. But not because I can't plan a budget out. I'm just too impulsive and uncontrolled to stick to it, particularly when my mental health takes a turn for the worse and I just have no energy for anything but eating junk food and paying too much for coffees because they give me temporary happiness. So if anyone has any advice there, that'd be great. This is of course assuming that 

I keep noticing more and more things - quirks, I suppose - that could be symptoms of autism and a large part of me is very sure that I'm autistic, or at least some form of ND. And it'd be great to have a diagnosis and know for sure and be able to say, look, I'm not stupid or lazy, just autistic. But it's also still frustrating because I'm noticing that these are likely autistic traits and I still can't do anything about them and how they're received by anyone else? For example, my brothers always used to hate it when I listen to a song on repeat for days or weeks at a time. And now I'm aware that this is possibly an autistic thing, but it doesn't change anything about it, my brothers are still always gonna find it annoying when I put a song on repeat. Or my housemates or whoever else. Or trying to read a book (that I've only read once before and LOVED) but I really can't concentrate on it and I just want to read, damn it! But I can't because my brain isn't processing it right or the light is too dim or the sofa's upholstery is just not quite soft enough.

I think at the core of it, I'm just really tired of trying to move forward when it's so unncessarily difficult because my brain is a bit different than the majority. 

  • First of all you made it to university something that despite me trying and getting the grades i could not achieve because of my own family lack and refusal to understand that i have autism and Attention deficit disorder. I was forced to quit college and was forced to work for my parent employer which honestly resulted in my getting extremely unwell. I got a autoimmune disorder/disease because one of my coworkers spiked my drink with drugs at work and they continued to get progressively worse until they decided one day to make a cocktail of animal medication ranging from vaccines, antibiotics, Pain Killers, Steroids and who knows what else they put in the concoction and stabbed me with dirty used animal needle. When i told my own family they said i was making it up despite having multiple broken needle in my backside and back and the evidence to prove it and stopped me from going to the police and even seek medical treatment for over three months. the same worker who stabbed me then tired running me over in a tractor while i was on a push bike riding to another work situation, luckily i was only knocked unconscious but i haven't been able to ride or balance on a push bike since.      

    my family are also that kind of toxic individuals who despite My General Practitioner, physiologist and teachers growing up explaining to them what my issues are they still refuse to accept that the problems i have exist and even believe i am putting them on to get out of working and honestly this is not the case and haven't been able to maintain a job for long and one of the reason is my family and they they know for me to be able to cope and function relativity well i need routine and they will purposely and spitefully interrupt the routine and it cripples me and my ability to cope. 

    To be honest with you might have Attention deficit disorder and autism and its know quite common to have both and sensory processing disorder and other specific learning disorder are co morbid too. Unlike those with just autism or Asperger who are relativity functioning are able to succeed but when you have both it becomes a massive challenge to cope with not only social interactions, Sensory Dysfunctions and emotional regulations and honestly you are going to need the support to succeed. the massive challenge is getting the support you need it before you have a mental breakdown or a destructive meltdowns that will put you in a police cell or hospital which you cant get until you have the diagnosis and still after the diagnosis its going to be a challenge to get the support specially if they deem you capable and they will because you attending university independently.  

    You need to request special educational needs co-coordinator to an assessment and support. student service should be able to make the request. Then they should put in place support measure to help. but yet again this could be denied because lack of diagnosis to get the funding to provide you the support.