Published on 12, July, 2020
I am in the biggest crisis of my life and I no longer have anyting left in the tank.(BTW I am awaiting diagnosis) My dad died in April of Covid leaving me to look after my 80yo mum who is house bound. I did get carers in but had to maintain the house and finally start of August she went into a care home. I single handed dealt with all paperwork, funeral, care home, and clearing their house, it was hell. I thought I had now got my life back but it is getting worse. I have also been furloughed from work until a few weeks ago.
I am now massivley struggling with simple tasks, went sick last week from work to avoid it. I feel like my computer (brain) has crashed and when rebooted windows was not working and half the apps have gone. I have always avoided difficult things and conflict in life but when something like that happens now I have a full meltdown. This morning was terrible. Stopped on the way to a job at motorway services, parked the car and got out and maybe just touched the next door car, the bloke leaped out threatened to do me over and called me every name under the sun, a nasty piece of work. Normally I give as good as I get but without sinking to his level. This morning I just got into my car and had a massive tearful meltdown for 30 min.
So question is does anybody else feel lockdown and the lack of needing to mask and fit it has affected their skills at masking and genrally coping? Since I realised I am probably Autistic last year I have been getting worse at not hiding it. For the first time I actually feel properly autistic, I have spent a year really wondering if I really am , know I know.
Rob
Bumping this because it's interesting.
Not least because apart form Desmond, I don't recognise any of the other posters.
I just moved over 100 miles away from my family before the lockdown so I rarely have any social interaction with people. This has caused me to start losing my social skills, they seem to get worse the less I talk to people
Also smaller things are now more of an issue/stress for me like waiting on a 2 minute phonecall from a social worker, waiting on the landlord coming to fix my shower and trying to get my car fixed when the garage made an excuse not to do it and when the landlord never turned up
Condolences. Sounds like you have had a lot to deal with. Pleased you have had a better week and medication is helping.
With regards to your referral could you email them to follow up? Perhaps detail the decline you feel you are having (or a copy of this message may help) and how an assessment may help?
With regards to discussing your future, I really don't think you will find any answers. I guess it's a case of learning ways to best cope, enable reasonable adjustments (you may be entitled to this for other illnesses such as anxiety/depression), and taking time to recharge. This last bit I appreciate is difficult. I'm currently on the wait list for assessment and have recently been off sick for similar reasons of not feeling able to mask.
Hi thanks for the comments, been having login issues so created another account. Saw the doctor last week, well virtually, and have been perscribed some anti depressants that seem ok. Had this week off anyway with my wife. have just been going out to nice quiet places, seaside today, to get my confidence back. Working from home next week which will help.
One worrying thing in my doctors notes is that when I visited in january and asked for a referal it seems the reply was that it had been recieved and they will contact me if they want to take if forward. That worrys me because I really need to talk to some autism professionals and I want to know about the future? I seem to be getting worse at controlling my autism as I get older and I am scared that one day I will not be able to go to work etc?
One of the biggest things I have struggled with is something most people would think trivial. I mostly have my weekends mapped out so winter is football and summer airshows and cricket. Back in March that totally got wiped out and i felt totally depressed and lost, my life had no structure suddenley. Thanksfully last week I could start to go and see my local non league football team which helped. Plus my local small airfield are having some plane meets that are not public but you can still go to. So in that respect there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Coffeecola I can understand that, lived in a small flat for 8 years, there is no escape. I used to struggle with hot sunny days and having no garden without all the joy that lockdown has brought us. I think we just have to be positive and hope that 2021 bring us a normal year.
Thanks for Sharing Rob, I don't think i can help. But your story resonates. I am similarly undiagnosed but feeling like i am in the pit of the deepest burnout following lockdown. And that's without the traumatic events you've been through. Although perhaps i have the opposite cause, sharing a small flat through lockdown has given me no recharge time on my own for such a long period.
Give yourself some credit for hanging in there and staying safe - you've had a horrible few months. If you can, think of ways to give yourself some time and space to rest. Whether that's being signed off work for a while, or seeing if you can reduce your work commitments, or anything that can give you some breathing space to look after yourself and recuperate.
I feel you on this. I think this is a very valid point and one that I have had thoughts on too. As in, I feel that lockdown is not good for those of us that rely on our masking to fit in.
As much as I'd like things to change, I think some of us (including myself) are probably stuck with this for the foreseeable future.
The small bit of positivity I have is that if autism masking skills can drop quickly, I (optimistically) hope/suspect that the skills can be re-picked up quickly too.
I don't pretend to know how easy it will be for us, but it is a hope (faith?) that I have.
You’re crying for help, yet there are STILL spammers advertising online courses.
That makes my blood boil.
Personally, I have coped reasonably well with the lockdown. But my finances are down the Suwannee. This country is taking the path of ZERO resistance.
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Hi Rob, oh my goodness, I'm not surprised you feel this way given what you've been through this year. My personal opinion is that I don't want to mask any more, I spent a long time doing so and now I try not to which usually means I need to ask people to repeat themselves or clarify what they mean. In the long term it has personally done me a lot of good, I have more energy, my relationships are more grounded and I've learned more about myself. For what it's worth, I think you've gone through a lot of difficult things in the last five months and had a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, try to continue to take manageable steps forward and try to look after yourself and give yourself time. Wishing you the best