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Help, is my husband autistic?

NAS68783

Hi,

I've been with my husband for almost a decade and I think the world of him for so many reasons.... but we have big issues with communication (we always have!). When we first met, I told myself this was just a couples thing- different personalities, etc. A few years later I became a teacher and just put two and two together for my husband having ADHD. He wont go and get this confirmed by a doctor but I am pretty much certain. I wont go on about that thought except, I read that ADHD nearly always comes with another diagnosis. I would never have thought autism because as a teacher, I had only really seen children demonstrating high on the spectrum... although looking back, I think if the autism is mild this can be missed or considered personality.... and I'm wondering if this is what has happened with my husband.

I dont really know what examples to give because I am quite unsure... and i'm now quite confused as to what is ADHD or not. Some things I just put down to his personality too, like he is very rigid. If you didnt say something in the 'correct' way, then you might as well have not said it.... he has no concept of the idea of someone 'saying the gist'. If I get anything not 100% accurate, then I have an 'exaggeration problem' or at worst am called a 'liar'. He is also overly anxious. Now I am an anxious person too.... but he thinks of all these really elaborate scenarios and is happy to verbalise. For example, I took up running (and sometimes I'm alone). Just before i go for a run, he tells me I'm probably going to be raped. We have a cat and he becomes ridiculously protective over her to the point of never going on holiday because he doesnt want to put her in a cattery (she is actually my cat!). He seriously puts this cat up on some pedastal...doesnt like me to feed her because I feed her 'wrong' (he wants people to weigh out her food). and so on....!

In addition, I recognise all the ADHD traits- impulsive, quick to anger, restless legs, seeks out thrills, lack of patience, easily distracted..... but maybe all the things on top are autism?

I got him to do an online test from Cambridge (dont know if these are reasonable or not?) On his first test he got 27/50 which was 'indicative of some autistic traits. There was a second test where he got 17/80 which meant 'a high lack of empathy common in people with autism'. To be honest, i always perceived him as having empathy. I took the tests myself as a check.... and I do not have autism.

I've got to the point where i'm confused about everything and dont know what to think. I've worked really hard to assist him with his ADHD (which he accepts he has although refuses to see a dr as he's convinced they force feed him medication). 

Does anyone have any advice or recognize this?? Also, in conversations with his dad and brother i have noticed the same 'rigidity'. They are all poor losers too- even against their kids. I dont really know what the signs might be, so dont know what to put here! Also, I apologise if I have made this sound negative.... but i suppose those are always the things we want help with.

I'd love all feedback, thanks! Slight smile

  • as a man on the autism spectrum i can inform you that we do experience empathy, it just doesn't manifest the same way as a nuero typical person displays it, some situation we can't relate and understand the situation, other situation we don't know how to respond to situations so we don't involve ourselves because in most cases autistic individuals have learned through trail and error we make it worse for others because of a lack of instinctual social understanding. 

    I don't want to be that individual but their is no such thing as mild autism. autism is a spectrum and it manifest differently in people with a range of difficulties relating to but not limited to social understanding, communication, emotional and behavioral, it is as detrimental for individuals lives for someone who has autism who is also highly intelligent and verbal as it is for those on the autism spectrum with an intellectual disability. Some individuals with autism especially women and a significant amount of men have learned to mask and camouflage their autism related behavior but this come with a price of their mental and emotional well-being and can be extremely exhausting and physical draining on them. The problem with masking and camouflaging inst that it take a significant amount of energy to maintain it prevent and deny individuals to perform self regulating behavior that help regulate their emotional state. this is commonly seen through stimming behaviors.

    I Personally have Autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and reasonable intelligent with comorbidity ranging from Aphantaisa to Dyspraxia and some of his behavior you have explained inst justified and you know it too. He might have autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder but his personality sounds like it influenced by his upbringing of narcissistic and toxic men and he now mimicking and acting on the learned behavior that he believes he has understanding and thinks it is acceptable from watching his father and brother.If this is the case do not bring it up with his father and brother because it will make thing worst if they are narcissists even if they also have autism too. 

    I can understand why he is refusing to see a general practitioner because they will medicate him with anti anxiety medication or antidepressants that will aggravate the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder negative symptoms and challenging behavior instead of treating the possibility of Autism and  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder that is causing the challenging behavior, Anxiety , Depression and the dysfunction. I would go with him to the general practitioner and request and diagnosis for both autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder because some Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a controlled substance and cannot be prescribed without diagnostic evidence of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder so you cant help him until he get diagnosed. 

    Post Dramatic Stress Disorder can make individuals appear to be on the Autism spectrum or have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms and behavioral challenges. seeking a diagnosis can also rule out other possibility of any other disorders or mental health issues.

    I'm no medical professional but the personal experiences i have been through hopeful can help you understand something a bit better their is a lot of information on YouTube by trusted sources and even free to access medical journals you can read up online.