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Not being to accept yourself without an assessment

NAS68662

Hello Everyone, 

I would not normally open up like this but I feel like at the moment I need to because I feel very alone in this issue. I found out that I could have Aspergers 3 years ago and I have been fighting ever since to get a diagnostic assessment through the NHS (I cannot afford private I'm afraid) which I have been waiting three years for and will have to wait another 2-3 years because I have recently moved areas. I don't know if any other people feel like this but I don't feel like I can fully accept myself without knowing If I have it for sure. When I say to people or my employers that I could have it, I feel like a fraud and it makes me feel very insecure and makes my potential Aspergers feel like a heavy burden rather than a positive thing in my everyday life, even in the littlest things. I keep doubting myself every day. Although I know there is something different about me, having traits like special interests, sensitive to noise, smell and touch and routines and doing the online tests and getting the same result every time, I still feel like I need to have a diagnosis before I can feel comfortable in myself and accept myself for being different and celebrating that fact. 

I just wonder if anyone else is in this same predicament on this forum or feels the same way. It would be nice to feel less alone in this situation because although my friends and family accept me, I don't feel like I can accept myself.

  • There's a sense in which I might be the worst person in the world to answer this question, because I have a very serious problem with self-loathing, and have all my life. I only really became familiar with the term Asperger's about five years ago, and even then, I never would have considered the idea that I might have it. It's been even more recently than that (just the last couple of years) that I even started to consider it, and it's really just been in the last few days that I've become fully convinced. Anyway, I don't have a diagnosis yet either, but I've been kind of freaking out about the idea. I know what it's like to beat myself up with guilt over things that don't even matter too. I've been starting to do that over the fact that I never understood the true scope of my quirks and realized that there was something going on with me, wondering how things might have been different if I'd known.

    So, my problems right now aren't exactly the same as yours, but something that someone pointed out to me earlier applies equally, I think. They pointed out to me that whether I'm right or wrong about my guess (and they were equally as convinced as I am), and whether I ever talk to a doctor about it, it still doesn't change anything about who I am, and what's there is still there. It's me either way. I hope you can get an answer soon for your own sake and your own peace of mind. I've been through some rough times in the last couple of years, and I've found that a lot of people that I thought were my friends weren't, and I know fully well how it feels to have worries over what people think of me. But it also taught me the value of those that truly do care, and I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that they demonstrate that I do have some value, if simply because they care about me. I may not always be able to live with myself, but I've learned what a rock they can be for me. So, no matter what happens, you are who you are, and that won't change diagnosis or not, positive or negative verdict. And just know that the fact that you have people who accept you and care about you shows that there's a lot more to you than you might think, and there's more to any of us than just one syndrome. It's just a small part of who we are.