Person who has survived abuse and is pretty sure they’re autistic looking for people with a similar experience

Hi, I'll go chronologically after a short introduction to my dad:

I had an abusive dad who I strongly suspect has autism/Asperger's. He was abusive to me and my brothers yet 'doesn't remember' it. He is caring and has done a huge amount for us in childhood and adulthood. The 'not remembering years of verbal, physical and psychological abuse' is odd but I guess it is possible. I know how trauma can wipe out memory and this may have happened in a 'red mist' situation(?).

For me (and my brothers), the abuse started very early in life. First memories were of physical abuse. This will/must have happened from age 3 (but perhaps earlier).

The abuse was consistent and terrifying. No 'weapons' were used. Physically, it was hitting, shoving and throwing. The verbal/psychological side of things was pretty awful. I would say that side was more long-term damaging than the physical aspect.

The school bullying I had was physical and verbal. The home abuse was worse. Aged 13-ish, my dream in life was to be able to buy a suit of armour when I became an adult.

Aged 11, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I became a nightmare and was sadly violent to my brothers.

My mum who herself says "I was never a hands on mother", left our family at the same time. She only came home at weekends. So, the only parent was the violent one who did a lot practically for us but had no proper emotional connection with me or my brothers.

Throughout the whole of secondary school and 6th form college, my brothers and I were isolated from children our age outside of school. Bearing in mind that at school, social interaction was relatively low as I was either deep in learning or playing football, so picking up on social cues was not so high as for children who were having the 'normal' level of social contact.

At age 16-ish, I developed enough height/presence to stand up to my dad that eventually caused him to back off. He only stopped when he was essentially 'threatened' with a son who could now stand up from himself (urgh).

I was consistently among the very smartest in my class all through school until I developed depression aged 16. Then I started to weaken academically. 

When I went to University, I wrote on my lecture notes "I feel like a 12 year old in a sea of 18 year olds".

[I'll fast forward]

Aged 38 (as I now am), I have recently been nudged enough by one GP and a good friend to look into Asperger's. I have and I see many parallels to the point that I consider that I very likely am Aspie.

Looking back briefly:

I was 'different' from an early age. I was reading and doing competent maths at an unusually early age. My mum has told me that during an early life development test (before I can remember), I was asked "can you build these blocks?", my answer was "No, I can't". My mum celebrated this as precocious sarcasm. Nowadays, I'm totally confused by this story. Why did I say "no"? Was I able to build bricks at that stage?

It is not unlikely that my parents may have unintentionally sabotaged my chances of getting an early diagnosis but who knows?

I know of other Aspies who have researched complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) before they've arrived at finding themselves to be Aspie.

I think our adult experience is going to be different in some ways because of the relatively unusual level of trauma that some of us have been through.

I have a slight question of how much my symptoms/difficulties are borne out of autism and how much are borne out of (too many) years of social isolation and abuse.

I'm not 'confirmed' Aspie, but I have a document that's reaching 30 pages of symptoms that align with autism dating through early childhood to adulthood.

I'm happy to talk more and answer/ask more questions.

Hi, I'll go chronologically after a short introduction to my dad:

I had an abusive dad who I strongly suspect has autism/Asperger's. He was abusive to me and my brothers yet 'doesn't remember' it. He is caring and has done a huge amount for us in childhood and adulthood. The 'not remembering years of verbal, physical and psychological abuse' is odd but I guess it is possible. I know how trauma can wipe out memory and this may have happened in a 'red mist' situation(?).

For me (and my brothers), the abuse started very early in life. First memories were of physical abuse. This will/must have happened from age 3 (but perhaps earlier).

The abuse was consistent and terrifying. No 'weapons' were used. Physically, it was hitting, shoving and throwing. The verbal/psychological side of things was pretty awful. I would say that side was more long-term damaging than the physical aspect.

The school bullying I had was physical and verbal. The home abuse was worse. Aged 13-ish, my dream in life was to be able to buy a suit of armour when I became an adult.

Aged 11, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I became a nightmare and was sadly violent to my brothers.

My mum who herself says "I was never a hands on mother", left our family at the same time. She only came home at weekends. So, the only parent was the violent one who did a lot practically for us but had no proper emotional connection with me or my brothers.

Throughout the whole of secondary school and 6th form college, my brothers and I were isolated from children our age outside of school. Bearing in mind that at school, social interaction was relatively low as I was either deep in learning or playing football, so picking up on social cues was not so high as for children who were having the 'normal' level of social contact.

At age 16-ish, I developed enough height/presence to stand up to my dad that eventually caused him to back off. He only stopped when he was essentially 'threatened' with a son who could now stand up from himself (urgh).

I was consistently among the very smartest in my class all through school until I developed depression aged 16. Then I started to weaken academically. 

When I went to University, I wrote on my lecture notes "I feel like a 12 year old in a sea of 18 year olds".

[I'll fast forward]

Aged 38 (as I now am), I have recently been nudged enough by one GP and a good friend to look into Asperger's. I have and I see many parallels to the point that I consider that I very likely am Aspie.

Looking back briefly:

I was 'different' from an early age. I was reading and doing competent maths at an unusually early age. My mum has told me that during an early life development test (before I can remember), I was asked "can you build these blocks?", my answer was "No, I can't". My mum celebrated this as precocious sarcasm. Nowadays, I'm totally confused by this story. Why did I say "no"? Was I able to build bricks at that stage?

It is not unlikely that my parents may have unintentionally sabotaged my chances of getting an early diagnosis but who knows?

I know of other Aspies who have researched complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) before they've arrived at finding themselves to be Aspie.

I think our adult experience is going to be different in some ways because of the relatively unusual level of trauma that some of us have been through.

I have a slight question of how much my symptoms/difficulties are borne out of autism and how much are borne out of (too many) years of social isolation and abuse.

I'm not 'confirmed' Aspie, but I have a document that's reaching 30 pages of symptoms that align with autism dating through early childhood to adulthood.

I'm happy to talk more and answer/ask more questions.