My last job was in spetember last year where I hit the worst burnout or breakdown (Not sure which) I have experienced. Since then I dare not risk taking another job even if it means I have to spend a future without any income. (Fortunately through kind and understanding from the benefits place, the local autistic assessment people and a charity worker we know, I am recieving a benefit. I am on a list to be assessed as I speak.
Now one thing I noticed in regards to my past. I tended to have seasons, or cycles where though I have been loyal and a hard worker in that I put in everything into each job I took on, these seasons repeated.
A season would normally last about two years where after the two years things became very tough for me, and eventually I would quit. (Did write a lot but shortened the post to preserve your sanity! Read on...).
The problem was that the first year in a new job was ALWAYS tough. The second year I settled into routines and did well, but then I hit this thing which usually came at the end of the second year which I could not explain and I felt the urgent need start looking for a new job, and on occasions I ended up handing in my notice without any new job just because I could not go on before I found a new job, and then the cycle repeated itself. It was not exactly two years. One job where for me was a record length of time in the same job, I hit this event in five years and I should have gone then but somehow I soldiered on to have my first burnout after nine years... But I was in such a state because I did soldier on even though that job had a LOT of rest days and holidays (Hence why I was able to nurse myself for so long)...
But it was not until very recently in my life where I have discovered that I could be on the autism spectrum that I have pieced together my past and have realized what was going on and what happened to cause these events (Call it some sort of wall, or event, or whatever) to happen when I needed to leave. (I did write felt I had to leave, but it was stronger then that. I needed to leave though in the past I could not explain it).
So what was going on? I was in my main job where I have worked in various related positions, though all elements included the mechanical side so I always had my hands dirty (Try stop me!) and this line of work I have done on and off from the age of 17 to last september apart from one job inbetween which lasted a record (For me) 9 years though I hit this wall after 5 years so the last 4 years I went through internal turmoil... (Worse then turmoil. It was mentally cruel)...
But anyway. What was going on? I realize now that I was masking. I had to mask. I was not just masking, but I was masking in triplicate. Ever since around the age of six or even before I masked. Now why the two year cycle? Because two years was usually the maximum point I could sustain the masks before they started to form cracks and break down. The one job where I hit 5 years before this took place was the type of job where the shifts changed so frequently that every day had a new start time and end time and those I worked with during these shifts tended to also have different start time and end times, and everyone was on different sides of the rotor of shifts, so while I worked with nearly everyone at the depot in a direct way or indirect way, the ones I worked with were ever changing... So on the one time instead of a year to settle in it took far longer, but I hit this end wall where my masking broke down in 5 years instead of the usual two).
Now trying to work through wearing a broken mask one was constantly trying to hide the cracks if that makes sense. Through experience, when thw masks break down the bullying begins. When in collage... (Ok, college) I hit this point about a few months before the exams and at one point I had the whole class turn on me in a mind melting way (Where for years later I could not go into a buzy shop etc without making sure I could reach an exit if I had to suddenly run as I thought in my mind that people could suddenly act like they did in college and suddenly all rop what they were doing and start to try to launch a full blown attack on me. The day it happened in college my exit was blocked and the classroom was built over the top of a road so was about three storeys high. The only means of escape was to run through the window and theee was the top of a cherry blossom type tree which was sizeable enough which was about two storeys high. So I stood on the desk as I calculated I would run from desc to desk and jump while twisting so I would break through one of the large single plate glass windows and land in the top of the tree and climb down and make my escape on my bicycle which I kept parked below. Fortunately just as I stood up on the desk and I was about to run from desk to desk the lecturer came back in and told me off for standing on the desk. He did not ask why I was standing on the desk! The rest of the time until and during the exams I could not concentrate at all, as all my thoughts were to sit by the door and be away before anyone could get me, and go into the classes late so I did not put myself at risk. I could not concentrate on my work and failed my exams. I even finished the exams early so I could get away claiming I was finished. I just wrote anything on those papers!
Anyway... Understanding masking made me understand why I changed jobs I was ok for another coupe of years. There were new staff! They had not discovered the cracks in my mask! I found I could mask all over again with a new mask! And yes, the first year of change was aweful but going through that was worth it to avoid the breaking down effect of the masking.
When I hit my first burnout back in 2007, was the point when I really sarted deteriating. I could no longer think about working full time. The amount of hours in a day that I could handle was becoming less and less, and the time off I needed to mentally recover inbetween shifts became more and more, which was not practical... And I kept hitting burnout after burnout where I would quit work, and it took a year or two without income to recover (I dare not put myself through the stress of trying to sign on for looking for another job after the last few burnouts! It was the day after I last worked when I was in a real state and I saw an open day with my local autism team so I called in (I was in such a state that just walking was difficult and I happened to walk the street twice to find iit!) But if it wasn't for talking to them when for the first time in my life I found I was speaking to someone who knew what I was experiencing (Shutdowns, partial shutdowns etc) and I opened up. I have never opened up to a health professional before in this way! I said how I had gone with no income and sometimes due to me only able to work a few hours a day the jobs I took cost me the same in travelling as my pay was! So even though this opening up was just the start, they and everyone who has helped me since have made such a mighty difference in my life!
But before I opened up. Before I reached that point, I never knew what was happening. I never knew how to explain! I was really finding life almost impossible. So I am soo greatful to those who have helped me, from helping me understand myself via another autism site I am on (Which I joined about a year before I joined this one), to the people who have understood me at the benefits office and have stood up for me when I could not.
But anyway. I have written too much, and believe it or not, I have shortened it!
