Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this post. I am currently going through an adult autism assessment, which has been dragging on and on for well over 18 months. I have a son who was officially diagnosed as being on the Spectrum over 9 years ago. I have been questioning my behaviour and reactions to certain situations and am having serious issues processing my feelings. The most concerning being my feelings of anger and distain toward others. I was wondering if you could offer any help? Kind regards
First start - delete your Facebook if you are on it. It’s the main reason people hate each mostly these days. It’s designed to cause hate and divide.
You're not mad - autism does seem to run in families - and as you are the only person living in your head, you think you've been doing ok - up until now - and you're awakening to the fact that you are probably ASD too.
As you've grown up and had relationships that led to a child, you are very high functioning - but all that means is that you mask very well most of the time while you are in normal, predictable situations. As we get older, we start to lose the strength needed to keep the mask in place all the time so this leads us to get noticed as 'different' which then often leads to diagnosis. (I made it to 42) The fact that you've made it this far means you've probably measured NT's behaviours and seen how selfish and manipulative they are - and odds are you've been bullied and abused in the past but didn't realise at the time - manipulators can often present a case that makes their abuse seem logical at the time so you accept the abuse.
As you start to examine the world from a different perspective, all of the past injustices will likely pop up in your mind to be reprocessed - and as you realise how much your life could have been different, you'll get angry.
This is all [part of a process - once you get your diagnosis and start to re-jig your life to be kinder to yourself and not let people use you, you'll find a calmness.