Struggling on...

I feel guilty posting this because there are other members here who I like who are going through a really hard time too. But anyway I feel I'm constantly fighting depression. Every day several times feelings of powerlessness and doom hit me. 

I'm trying to move and a doctor has referred me to a service which may help, there is no indication of how long this will take.

I entered this Coronavirus lockdown with no offline friends and very few online ones.

A woman I love rejected me a month ago and it still hurts, a very, very lot, every day.

I'm improving my diet but it's frustrating being hamstrung by digestive problems most people don't have. If you can eat most foods without getting headaches or tired you have no idea how lucky you are. I'm down to eating nothing but white rice, chicken, eggs, olive oil, vegetables, spices, herbs and fruit now. The downside is I fear I will end up missing a lot of foods as I already have a kind of bare life. The upside is I'm more attractive physically and in a better mental state.

If I make it to the end of today without alcohol this will be 3 days alcohol free. To me, that's a big thing at the moment. I was drinking every day. It was getting me through, helping me pass time. It's a constant battle to not buy a bottle of rum or wine.

I want to lose weight, look better, feel better, I want to be successful. On the good side of things a magazine called Asylum Magazine is publishing an article I've written about romance and Autism but I'm not sure when. It will probably not be for at least another month. Obviously it's great news but it doesn't feel quite real until it happens. I really want it to be the thing that catapults me into people finally treating me like I'm not invisible or I don't matter anymore. I mean, I know people here treat me well but in life in general people have never stuck around long or liked me much.

I hope if you read this post, if you're struggling too, that things turn around for you, for the better, quickly.