Hi. I’m 38 and I asked my GP a while back if he could refer me for an autism and adhd assessment. I’ve since been diagnosed with adhd but still haven’t got an appointment for the autism assessment. The psychiatrist said my adhd is mild and I’ve started on medication. This has helped my concentration and focus but it hasn’t helped with my other symptoms which I think could be autism, if anything I’ve noticed these symptoms are worse now.
I have 3 children, my youngest who’s 10 next month is diagnosed with both autism and adhd and autism runs in my family so it’s quite possible I could have both. I felt that I was struggling before but throughout lockdown things have got worse. I mask so much around my kids so they don’t see me struggle. They are loved, supported, needs all met etc and I’d do anything for them. But these last few months like most parents not having a minute to myself has been hard. I have anxiety and it doesn’t take much for me to worry about things bus this has got worse. I over think constantly worry about minor things and can’t switch off. I pull my hair out (literally) through twiddling and then pulling, sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it and my husband is a bit worried. Im embarrassed to go to the hairdressers as one side of my hair is shorter than the other and my hair is really thin now. Don’t know why I can’t stop doing it.
I haven’t worked since my youngest was 2 so I’ve had a lot do time out of work and feel like a failure as we rely heavily on benefits alongside my husbands wages. I feel like I should be contributing but the thought of going back to work fills me with dread. I have a volunteer job which is only one day a week for a couple of hours and I can barely manage that. I feel like I make silly mistakes because I’m asked to do something and it’s either that I don’t hear them properly (I’m slightly deaf in my right ear) or I’ve just not understand them. But then again I’ve no learning difficulties, did ok (ish) at school etc but my processing seems to be slow at times. One thing I don’t get is that when it comes to my kids I’m good at looking after them but absolutely shocking when it comes to self care. I make sure my kids feel loved, are fed well, get days outs, holidays, time with me etc and I’m on the ball when it comes do their appointments, ie dentist, hospital, school meetings etc. I don’t like being late for things like this so I force myself to get organised beforehand but it doesn’t come naturally.
But when it comes to myself I’m rubbish. I’m really overweight for a number of reason. Sensory issues is one but also because it takes so much planning to organise my kids meals, as I want them to eat well and healthy, but I couldn’t stomach to eat what I make them, so by the time I’ve planned, shopped for and cooked their meals I’m exhausted and I just grab what’s easy and usually unhealthy. I have tried to loose weight but always give up after a week or two but I’m 17st now and really not healthy which makes me worry as i want to be around for my kids and not dead. I haven’t been the dentist since last year and before that it was another year. I always take my kids and make an excuse I can’t have mine done there and then and I’ll go back on my own at a later date once I’ve plucked up the courage. I was well overdue on my smear which i finally had done today and although it didn’t hurt the process of it and the deadly silence in the room and awkward silence and have to lay completely flat made me anxious.
I try and not worry to much but I can’t help worry about things sometimes especially about the future. I don’t feel like a complete person, I feel like I’m simply playing the role of a mature adult and parent as opposed to it being reality. Everything takes me that bit more effort and it’s exhausting. I’ve told no one of my adhd diagnosis except for my husband who’s been great. I think my mum and sister are definitely on the spectrum and my dad maybe too. My mum and sister I have found trigger my anxiety at times which I feel bad about saying. They’re both quite obsessive. My mum when it comes to cleaning and my sister when it comes to money. My mum has to have everything immaculate including her massive 5 bed house and has made comments in the past about my house which is messy but clean. My sister never shuts up about money ie telling me to the penny how much she has spent on hers and my nieces clothes, how much she spends at Xmas and birthdays and she’ll sit and rhyme off every single present. Neither my mum or sister let me get a word in and if I try and say something they’ll suddenly start talking about themselves or change the topic of the conversation back to something they’re interested in. I know that could be an autistic trait so I don’t judge them, but having felt all my life that I’ve never been heard, I have managed to develop some skills and I will sit and listen to people without interrupting them constantly as I know full well how frustrating it can be. If I did tel my parents about my diagnosis and that i also think I could be autistic I think they’d somehow turn it around on them and think I was blaming them for not spotting it when I was a child. If I told my sister she probably wouldn’t believe it and might think there’s an ulterior motive in me getting diagnosed ie to claim disability. I have no intention in claiming PIP but to my sister everything in life resolves around money.
Anyway I’m sorry for the long rant. Reading it back now I think I come across badly but I feel that I can’t be myself when anyone and have no outlet to vent. I just want to feel normal in myself what ever normal is and that I should have my life together at almost 40, instead I’m hanging on by a thread.