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Taking life steps with an Autistic Partner

NAS68248

Hello there,

hope you can all help. 
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years; he’s a wonderful person and I love him dearly for all his quirks he’s the most amazing person. Recently, it’s been getting difficult as we’re at the age and stage in life where I want to get married, move in and start a family and it’s causing problems. He says he wants the same. 

my partner would never be tested for autism, but I’ve known for a while  now that he possibly is. He struggles to adapt to change, deviation from plans, although he is very social when in groups outside; he feels he needs days to recover in isolation after any event or after a trip together. If he doesn’t get this, he becomes extremely angry, displays distress and sometimes harms himself (Punching himself) in rage. He takes his gaming seriously if he makes a mistake because I’ve walked in front of the screen for example, he is upset. He is resisting moving in together as he feels he needs his space, but will live in squalor, I have to tell him to shower, he’ll eat the same foods over and over and will become distressed if I talk about moving in sooner than agreed. He’s very successful and I don’t think work pressures help. I’ll do all his cleaning, washing, ironing and will buy foods for nutrition and variation but they will go uneaten. 

he says he loves me, but won’t say it frequently, he’ll say it more to our cat; but is affectionate. He struggles to see my side of things and focuses on his needs but he’s the most caring, funny, kind amazing person. I’m asking this as I want a future with this man more than anything and I want to know how to react in conversations about commitment in order for us to move forward. As I don’t think me pushing him is helping, things are getting worse.

so far, I support his space, I’ve made a safe space for him, I support gaming, I have my own house so I’ll stay there a few nights a week, but I need commitment soon. 

 Any tips?. 

  • I agree with NAS50301 - If your partner is unaware that his actions are 'not normal' and unwilling to accept that he reacts to the world differently to everyone else then he will continue with this behaviour.         Just because he's a great guy (mostly) doesn't mean that he's husband material - I suspect you will be driven nuts by him and you'll end up as his mother in a sexless, contactless, dry relationship.

    One of our endearing qualities is we have a very young outlook to life and don't see the need to grow up - but if he's unaware of his differences and unable to build your needs into his life, your life will become extremely frustrating and empty.

    As '301 says - do you *really* see him as dad material?       How do you think he will cope with being trapped in a house on a rainy day with noisy, uncontrollable, random, chaotic children?  

    I think you have some tough decisions to make.