Long story short, I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2019 after a lifetime of difficulty. I managed to function in everyday life and even maintain some level of friendship with many others. I worked as a teacher for eight years.
My biggest problem is the fear of people laughing at me. When I look back, it's been happening ever since I was a child. It must have been something I subconsciously ignored, because I very rarely remember my reactions to seeing it as it happened. There is one notable exception in recent years, which in many ways has damaged my relationship with my gf of five years. To this day I can't converse with her properly without thinking that I might look/say/do something that she will laugh at. Somewhere inside, this makes me angry.
I used to use narcs. Nothing serious, just the green plant. I'd quit in 2019 after using it for five years. Most of that time, I wasn't aware that I had AS. Towards the end of my time using it, I was having an awful time - these feelings came back today.
Since it was my birthday last week, I picked some up for the first time in about 7 months. Once I had used it, I immediately had to go and lie down. However, the feelings are rushing around your mind a million miles an hour. Stopping these feelings is easy - just don't use the plant. However, the innate truth behind the feelings remain the same. I have been laughed at all of my life. The plant just reminds me of that.
I don't know what's funny about me. Maybe it's the way I speak, maybe it's the way I look or the way I might "glare". I've become way more guarded in the last year or so about all of these things. How I speak, what I say etc.
At this point in time, I can say it's pretty much shattered my confidence and I can't see many ways of dealing with it.
