OK. This may be a little bit long winded for which I heartily apologise in advance. As I mention on my profile, I have known I have had Aspergers since I was in primary school. I was SENCO statemented and had learning support all throughout my school days, and then subsequently at university when I had my formal diagnosis of Aspergers. I was bullied really badly all throughout my school years, but I came out on top with some really good exam grades and an amazing degree.
In some ways, my Aspergers is a benefit to me. I have a very good memory recall, particularly on things I'm passionate about and interested in. I have a really strong eye for detail and I have a really powerful creative mindset. But on the flip side of this, I find social interaction really hard, I don't cope well in overtly noisy or harshly lit environments, and I have fear of both authority figures and of dealing with conflict.
Some of which stems back to tyrannical teachers and bullies from my younger years, and also being the youngest and only boy in a very large, loving but sometimes overbearing family. But some of it also stems from my experiences in more recent years. My first job after I graduated from university in 2012 was six years ago. It was a stepping stone really, and started out well, but I made the mistake of getting comfortable, because after nearly two years being graduated and unemployed in the previous economic downturn I was grateful to be doing anything even if it wasn't what I really wanted to do. More just whilst I was figuring things out.
The trouble was that I got comfortable to the point that there were major shifts in personnel at my first role. The role I had been doing and was good at was made redundant, and I got shunted back to a totally unsuited role in their call centre but which I stupidly took because I had nowhere else to go lined up and I needed the money coming in.
The next 18 months after that were absolute hell, my bosses at the time really badly bullied and discriminated against me, trying to launch a disciplinary against me over something I didn't do. I ended up disclosing my Aspergers then because it was a large part of why I found the role I had been demoted to a struggle, hoping I'd be able to fix it and turn things around. Which in fact just made things ten times worse.
It nearly ended up going to tribunal, but for the fact that I ended up being signed off sick by my doctor with anxiety and depression which had got really bad because of how I was treated, and I ended up receiving a severance package instead. My doctor referred me for CBT and telephone counselling I then completed for the next six months whilst I tried to piece my life back together. And it saved my life. And I am actively involved with a local men's mental health group in my own time now as a result because I believe in the power of talking and getting help.
But with that first job. Even though it wasn't I wanted to do, I still live with the scars of what happened, especially because it ended all so abruptly and that I was discarded and cast aside like I was. The company went into liquidation two years ago but I am still haunted by the experience I had because I didn't get any closure. I had no professional support at all after it ended. Their treatment of me left me questioning myself, my ability and my worth for so long after that time.
I felt disgusted and ashamed of myself for a long time that I'd done an amazing degree in a subject I was passionate about and didn't have anything to show for it afterwards. I was embarrassed to be at social functions trying to explain my lack of career and anything approach in a settled, normal life. I felt a massive failure compared to family and friends around me. I still feel it at times now.
To cut to this year, after two very long years building back my confidence, and trying to break into a career I wanted to pursue (content writing and digital content creation) during which time I was freelance and also voluntarily writing for different websites and networking and interviewing my backside off both here where I live and in London, I had an interview end of February with a local company to me for a content position. They offered it to me the very same day of the interview. I was so unbelievably happy to finally be doing what I love for a job and getting rewarded and recognised for it.
They are an amazing company and my boss and all my colleagues I've met so far are lovely, and my governors are really happy with all my work so far. It's now four months later, and even with all the issues on going with the pandemic I am very blessed and fortunate to say that I have been able to keep doing my role whilst working from home, and still will be for the foreseeable future until something approaching normality returns and I can return to the office in safety.
But I still feel haunted by the bad experiences that happened before, which the pandemic and the effects of it have heightened and made worse. That little devil on my shoulder that says I'm gonna be found out and send the company under or be fired is constantly there, even when the threat of it isn't real, and as a result I have referred myself through the NHS again for telephone CBT support again. I have done this now because I don't want to get in the spiral of despair I hit last time, but I am aware the waiting list for that is probably ridiculously long at the moment, so I have been going over my old support manuals again to refresh myself on techniques but also practicing mindfulness through meditation and also praying through my faith and spirituality.
I actually attended an event backed by the National Autistic Society in November last year for a big company in London who actively support and recruit people on the autistic spectrum (don't think I need to say who) but it was so inspirational, and for me, it was the most freeing and accepting I have felt in a professional environment like that ever, and I felt like I could truly be myself, even though there wasn't a suitable role for me there. And it taught me that it is possible to disclose my Aspergers in a positive way in my career, even though it is something I need to work on gradually.
My new boss and colleagues don't yet know of my Aspergers, and I feel I need to be honest with them, and it was my intention that once I passed probation, I was going to disclose it to them and point them in the direction of NAS and their resources. With all that has gone on though with this pandemic, I worry that it is not the right time with half the office still working from home and half in the office but social distancing, and because said office staff have just come off furlough, there's all the logistics of that to juggle, but equally I feel like there is a window of opportunity I am about to miss on doing this, especially as my full time contract has yet to be drafted and raised.
There's something else too. A small thing (admin error that meant I didn't receive my full pay) came up last week and raising it with my boss bought horrible flashbacks to raising issues and dealing with conflict in my last role. I hadn't heard anything since I'd flagged it with him on payday, so I dealt with it calmly and maturely as best as I could over the phone, but of course this is something that's better done to done face to face but which is impossible at the moment given the strange circumstances so I did what I felt I had to do.
He didn't sound too happy after I got off the phone to him, maybe because of the pressure he's under at the moment which I totally understand, or maybe because I sounded nervous calling him which gave off the wrong impression (because I was) and even though I e-mailed him to say sorry and make amends if I'd caused offence or upset and even though he called me later that evening to say it had been resolved and he was a lot calmer and friendlier that time and wished me a good weekend, I have been kicking myself about the fact I raised it and worry that I've rocked the boat and ruined the relationship with him and that I am on course to make the same mistakes again. If he knew what I had it might be easier for him to understand why, but I don't know whether I'd be supported or not. Again, I'm worried I'll make things worse.
And I really don't want to mess this opportunity I have up. I don't want a repeat of what happened in my last role. I want to be better and I want to ensure that I persevere and succeed and that I'm thought of well and can grow with them cause I believe in what I've got and the talent I have even with my condition and I want to prove I can be amazing and have a long career in what I love, even if not with them the whole time.
