Guidance needed for relationship with autistic partner

This is pretty much my standard answer to these - it seems most high-functioning aspie/autie blokes will end up in this situation eventually.

We mask - we learn at an early age that we don't fit in so we create a persona that allows us to hide in plain sight - it's a universal 'get me through the social day' mask that means we get bullied less.     It's INCREDIBLY tiring to keep up.

Unfortunately, the mask operates with very simple, rigid rules - like a truth table - if this happens, do this - or if that happens, do that.   

As we get older, our lives get infinitely more complicated and instead of single problems, we have multiple parallel social issues that cannot be solved by this logic - and we have less physical energy to sustain the mask - so we get overloaded internally by the programme getting confused and jammed up.    We get VERY VERY stressed by it all - the social game gets too complicated so we spend all day and all night trying to make sense of it.

Unfortunately, this keeps us at 99% stressed and we lack the ability to healthily defuse all this stress.    Time would fix it naturally, but instead, we're forced to go to work again the next day for another bellyful.     It gets to the point where we don't know what to do - many burn out completely.

Unfortunately - you, as the 'safe person' in our lives will unwittingly say something very minor - but because we're at 99% stress already, you become the focus of all of that 100% stress venting in one go - like popping a cork - a big argument, lots of shouting, nasty things said, things damaged etc.   

None of it is really meant - it's just uncontrollable venting to get rid of the pain in our brains.

Unfortunately - it leaves a really bad atmosphere afterwards - you're hurt and annoyed, he's embarrassed and sorry - but unable to to dig his way out of it - the mask doesn't help us in this situation - there will be no 'back down' mode as it was never needed when we were young.

Fortunately, we are often able to compartmentalise - if something that we like to do comes along, we are able to push all that stress to the side and concentrate on the nice thing in front of us - like a trip to a nerdy museum or interesting hobby - where we can redirect our brain onto a technical challenge - that is your opportunity to chat to us about stuff - we are in 'low stress' mode.     

It's where you can talk about hypothetical stuff like the way you would prefer things - and how can you know when he's stressed and by how much - would a flash card system help?     Red, amber green - to let you know how the day has been,       Green = a nice day - lets go out to dinner etc,.      Amber - feeling agitated - need to decompress!       Red = leave me alone - I'm so stressed I'm going to explode - my brain is melting!     Probably best not to load him up at all in Red mode but just make him a cup of tea and let him watch tv until it dissipates itself - and you do your own thing/hobby etc. until he can sort himself out.

Also - people tend to leave many things unsaid and unclear - and as we get older, different things begin to play on our minds - mortgages, savings, pensions, retirement etc. so letting him know that you're on the same page as him and he's not having to solve all of life's problems on his own helps a lot.    The more you can talk and agree about what you're actually doing and the reasons for doing it, the more that can be put to bed in our minds and then we have more processing time left to do nice things..

There is of course a disclaimer - he could just be an unreasonable A-hole. 

This is pretty much my standard answer to these - it seems most high-functioning aspie/autie blokes will end up in this situation eventually.

We mask - we learn at an early age that we don't fit in so we create a persona that allows us to hide in plain sight - it's a universal 'get me through the social day' mask that means we get bullied less.     It's INCREDIBLY tiring to keep up.

Unfortunately, the mask operates with very simple, rigid rules - like a truth table - if this happens, do this - or if that happens, do that.   

As we get older, our lives get infinitely more complicated and instead of single problems, we have multiple parallel social issues that cannot be solved by this logic - and we have less physical energy to sustain the mask - so we get overloaded internally by the programme getting confused and jammed up.    We get VERY VERY stressed by it all - the social game gets too complicated so we spend all day and all night trying to make sense of it.

Unfortunately, this keeps us at 99% stressed and we lack the ability to healthily defuse all this stress.    Time would fix it naturally, but instead, we're forced to go to work again the next day for another bellyful.     It gets to the point where we don't know what to do - many burn out completely.

Unfortunately - you, as the 'safe person' in our lives will unwittingly say something very minor - but because we're at 99% stress already, you become the focus of all of that 100% stress venting in one go - like popping a cork - a big argument, lots of shouting, nasty things said, things damaged etc.   

None of it is really meant - it's just uncontrollable venting to get rid of the pain in our brains.

Unfortunately - it leaves a really bad atmosphere afterwards - you're hurt and annoyed, he's embarrassed and sorry - but unable to to dig his way out of it - the mask doesn't help us in this situation - there will be no 'back down' mode as it was never needed when we were young.

Fortunately, we are often able to compartmentalise - if something that we like to do comes along, we are able to push all that stress to the side and concentrate on the nice thing in front of us - like a trip to a nerdy museum or interesting hobby - where we can redirect our brain onto a technical challenge - that is your opportunity to chat to us about stuff - we are in 'low stress' mode.     

It's where you can talk about hypothetical stuff like the way you would prefer things - and how can you know when he's stressed and by how much - would a flash card system help?     Red, amber green - to let you know how the day has been,       Green = a nice day - lets go out to dinner etc,.      Amber - feeling agitated - need to decompress!       Red = leave me alone - I'm so stressed I'm going to explode - my brain is melting!     Probably best not to load him up at all in Red mode but just make him a cup of tea and let him watch tv until it dissipates itself - and you do your own thing/hobby etc. until he can sort himself out.

Also - people tend to leave many things unsaid and unclear - and as we get older, different things begin to play on our minds - mortgages, savings, pensions, retirement etc. so letting him know that you're on the same page as him and he's not having to solve all of life's problems on his own helps a lot.    The more you can talk and agree about what you're actually doing and the reasons for doing it, the more that can be put to bed in our minds and then we have more processing time left to do nice things..

There is of course a disclaimer - he could just be an unreasonable A-hole. 

Thank you, it really does help to try and understand what you are going through.

We only seem to talk about my partner’s autism when things aren’t going well and then he often feels it’s being used against him, and to be honest sometimes it feels like it’s a justification for some behaviour. I did laugh about your last comment as I’ll be completely honest it’s crossed my mind. If I didn’t know he was autistic I would have to question whether I’d accept the behaviour as I wouldn’t accept anyone else speaking to me like this.

I hate that he must feel so stressed all the time and it manifests in the way he then acts. I just want to help him and help our family and relationship. I really value your comments