Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon.
My name is Ian.
My partner has lived for many years with what she was told was rapid cycle bipolar.
Fairly recently she went for a test for autism and had it confirmed she is in fact autistic.
This seems to of caused a huge change in her for some obvious reasons, and some not so.
As her partner, I have been unable to cope with what seems like a vast change in my partner’s behaviour.
She has always had ups and downs, mood swings and can be very unpredictable.
For what ever reason though, prior to the autism diagnosis, these issues were managed slightly better.
Now though, it seems as the levels have gone through the roof.
To give you an example. The other day I was told how lucky she was to have me in my life and how supportive I am. Then, later that day after a minor argument / disagreement, I was told that she wants me out of her life, wants to split up and I have to move out, and she will call the police to do this.
This is still the current status of our relationship.
Now, the week prior to all this was quite a stressful one for her. She had her grandson up for a week, plus two of her own children’s birthdays as well. All obviously highly sensory stimulating scenarios at the best of times.
We got through the birthdays ok considering, but they obviously took their toll a bit. A few days prior to her grandson being taken back home by my partner, she told me that there is a high chance she is going to crash and go into a meltdown upon her return. I thanked her for telling me how she felt, as it made life a lot easier than trying to guess what is going on as is normally the case. Then the two comments came on the same day about how thankful she was, the that she wants me out of her life for good. It seemed to me the crash / meltdown had already started. I tried to reason with her, talk with her, and unfortunately ended up getting so frustrated with being told to leave, that I snapped back. Unfortunately I get told to leave at least twice a month. However, this one is the worst I’ve seen, and I’m seriously concerned about my partners state of mind and how I can help / cope better than I am for her as much as myself.
since being diagnosed with autism, I totally understand it has raised big questions for my partner, and that there is now a whole new spectrum of things to learn about.
Part of the trouble I’m now finding though, is my partner has taken the approach that the autism is what makes her what she is, therefore has none to little control, therefore myself and anyone else has to deal with it, and anything that happens is someone else’s fault (usually mine). There now seems to be absolutely no sign of comprehension that any her behaviour still leave a mark, can still hurt a lot, and that can result in a reaction from the person on the receiving end of any cutting comments or questionable behaviours.
How do I as a partner address these sort of issues with my partner? How is a productive way to move through any issue my partner may be experiencing, or myself, without falling out or making things worse?
For all the want in the world, dealing with an autistic person is tough and at times, the wheels fall off when you get days or weeks of having to deal with a new dynamic from minute to minute at any given time.
I have very little experience in all this, so, truly, any info from both sides of a relationship would be great to hear from.
As an added bonus, I also have been suffering from anxiety, stress and depression for a few years now, but am getting help. That also can play a huge part in my ability to be understanding or tolerant, which in turn without doubt can influence how things go.
And, as an added extra bonus, my partner is also going through the menopause, just to really help make things tough for her (and me).
Thank you in advance for any replies.
Seriously, I may not be able to reply if I do get kicked out, so please don’t think I’m being rude.
kind regards.
Ian
Hi, i myself am a female self-diagnosed aspie middle aged woman.
I can totally relate to this. I found 2 key ideas: highly sensory stimulating and menopause.
If you really love her the way she is, you will get this: highly sensory issues. I can't explain how does it feel for an autistic person. It's overwhelming. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it just means she has to be able to control her place. And menopause? Well, i have no words to explain. I'm 49...
I can mask my social behaviour, i can mask my hiperfocus but masking my sensory issues? That's really hard/impossible for me.
If you love her you'll have to deal with her sensory issues mixed with menopause. It's not easy but it's just a bad period in time. It shall pass.
Hiya there!
I’m sorry that you and your partner appear to be having such a challenging time. I agree with the poster above who suggested therapy.
Just to add to what Bluemoon said about the menopause:
I am autistic and suffer from PMDD (https://www.webmd.com/women/pms/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder) which I can honestly say is the closest I have ever felt to being entirely mad. It was terrifying and, when hormonal, I was suicidal, full of rage, irrational and totally unable to control myself. When I would come out of the other side, I would be mortally embarrassed as I am generally calm and kind and pretty rational. I began taking Sertraline and my symptoms have now all but disappeared. Research would suggest that my experience of being acutely sensitive to hormonal fluctuations is not at all uncommon in autistic women (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6223765/). It’s perhaps unsurprising then that the menopause is also especially challenging for autistic women (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32003226/). It’s very likely that what you’re seeing from your partner in terms of the escalation in behaviour may well have a hormonal component that is exacerbating her usual autistic sensitivities. As much of autistic meltdown is as a result of sensory sensitivities, I would strongly suggest taking a low arousal approach when your partner is is meltdown. There is lots about his online mainly aimed at dealing with children but it is certainly relevant to autistic adults too. Essentially, it means that when someone is in meltdown the priority is to reduce sensory stimulation and much as possible by providing quiet, reducing demands and, this is an important one, stopping talking as much as possible. As tempting as it is to get into a conversation with your partner when she is in meltdown, she will not be processing what you say and the additional sensory stimulation is likely to make things worse. When I am highly agitated/overwhelmed my partner has learned that I just need to be left alone to regulate myself and I will come to him to talk when I am ready.
In regards to the hormonal issue, I would gently broach this with your partner, perhaps quoting one of the studies I have linked to above, and suggest addressing this with her doctor to see if there is anything they can prescribe to help her weather the storm.
Please don’t be put off my some of the comments above. For me, personally, autism is essential to who I am - both the great bits that make me endlessly interesting and interested and the bits that make me a total nightmare at times. I know this and my neurotypical partner would certainly agree just as his neurotypicalness is both part of why I love him and why sometimes he drives me up the wall.
Tara
Hi TBC.
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply.
These are pretty much the sort of things we experience in our relationship.
Unfortunately, my partner has told me to leave, get out of her life, move out of her house and never be in contact ever again. She has not been here since Monday and there is honestly is nothing more that we personally had an issue with other than what I put in my first post. I’m having to leave ASAP.
This is what I was trying to say about it being difficult. I don’t know how to manage this sort of stuff just yet.
My partners ‘behaviours’ now make so much more sense knowing bits about autism and how she is over certain things. Unfortunately though, it seems as if the chance to learn together and support her through this are now no longer an option. I’ve had this experience before of being told to go and so on, but, we’ve always been able to work things out after the meltdown subsides.
Your points about needing quiet time and how you have almost a sensory overload going on, really hit home on the things I’ve done wrong in the past. I am a ‘fixer’ in my ways, and like to see people happy. It turns out that me asking if my partner was ok, or trying to talk to her to make her feel better, we’re actually huge factors in making things worse. These are the sort of things I was hoping to pick up on on here, so thank you for explaining your version of life for you.
What I used to find difficult as well was the very intricate rules being presented to me. I would be told to leave her alone, which I would do, but then get told I don’t care because I’m not interacting. Or, maybe get told that when she crashes, can I make her food and so on to make sure she eats and drinks (not sure if this was just a ploy to get out of cooking dinner or making a cuppa really though...hehehe). I would do this whilst still doing minimum talking or interaction (for my normal levels that is!), but it wasn’t uncommon to get a negative reaction back, such as, I didn’t want that, or silly things along those lines. At the time, I knew nothing about autism even being in the equation, so had zero idea things like this can be important, or by the time I’ve made the food, her appetite has vanished and she can’t face eating whatever because it’s to much of a sensory overload for her. I needed to do in a better way, but I just didn’t know then. In all, getting such mixed signals was so so confusing. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Now though, I totally see why these type of scenarios were difficult for my partner or processed differently. These intricate things are the bits I missed or got wrong on so many levels. I just wish we knew what we do now a long time ago. Things may well of been very different.
I’m still going to learn all I can, as it’s fascinated me to be honest. I also see a huge amount of things in what I’ve read in myself. I never really joined all my dots together or could make sense of ‘me’ before, but I do a bit more now. Not saying I’ve got it, but, even the lady that carried out my partners assessment said she think I have, and she only asked me a few questions...lol
So, Tara. Truly, a massive thank you from me to you for sharing you situation to me. You have no idea how these sort of posts help.