Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon.
My name is Ian.
My partner has lived for many years with what she was told was rapid cycle bipolar.
Fairly recently she went for a test for autism and had it confirmed she is in fact autistic.
This seems to of caused a huge change in her for some obvious reasons, and some not so.
As her partner, I have been unable to cope with what seems like a vast change in my partner’s behaviour.
She has always had ups and downs, mood swings and can be very unpredictable.
For what ever reason though, prior to the autism diagnosis, these issues were managed slightly better.
Now though, it seems as the levels have gone through the roof.
To give you an example. The other day I was told how lucky she was to have me in my life and how supportive I am. Then, later that day after a minor argument / disagreement, I was told that she wants me out of her life, wants to split up and I have to move out, and she will call the police to do this.
This is still the current status of our relationship.
Now, the week prior to all this was quite a stressful one for her. She had her grandson up for a week, plus two of her own children’s birthdays as well. All obviously highly sensory stimulating scenarios at the best of times.
We got through the birthdays ok considering, but they obviously took their toll a bit. A few days prior to her grandson being taken back home by my partner, she told me that there is a high chance she is going to crash and go into a meltdown upon her return. I thanked her for telling me how she felt, as it made life a lot easier than trying to guess what is going on as is normally the case. Then the two comments came on the same day about how thankful she was, the that she wants me out of her life for good. It seemed to me the crash / meltdown had already started. I tried to reason with her, talk with her, and unfortunately ended up getting so frustrated with being told to leave, that I snapped back. Unfortunately I get told to leave at least twice a month. However, this one is the worst I’ve seen, and I’m seriously concerned about my partners state of mind and how I can help / cope better than I am for her as much as myself.
since being diagnosed with autism, I totally understand it has raised big questions for my partner, and that there is now a whole new spectrum of things to learn about.
Part of the trouble I’m now finding though, is my partner has taken the approach that the autism is what makes her what she is, therefore has none to little control, therefore myself and anyone else has to deal with it, and anything that happens is someone else’s fault (usually mine). There now seems to be absolutely no sign of comprehension that any her behaviour still leave a mark, can still hurt a lot, and that can result in a reaction from the person on the receiving end of any cutting comments or questionable behaviours.
How do I as a partner address these sort of issues with my partner? How is a productive way to move through any issue my partner may be experiencing, or myself, without falling out or making things worse?
For all the want in the world, dealing with an autistic person is tough and at times, the wheels fall off when you get days or weeks of having to deal with a new dynamic from minute to minute at any given time.
I have very little experience in all this, so, truly, any info from both sides of a relationship would be great to hear from.
As an added bonus, I also have been suffering from anxiety, stress and depression for a few years now, but am getting help. That also can play a huge part in my ability to be understanding or tolerant, which in turn without doubt can influence how things go.
And, as an added extra bonus, my partner is also going through the menopause, just to really help make things tough for her (and me).
Thank you in advance for any replies.
Seriously, I may not be able to reply if I do get kicked out, so please don’t think I’m being rude.
kind regards.
Ian
Firstly I would like to apologise, having read through the thread it seems you have come for help and understanding, and one or two of the comments have been a little judgmental, which can not have made for easy reading when you are in a difficult situation.
One of the most important things you need to do is to be realistic about what you have to give and looking after yourself given your own struggles. It is really hard to offer support to another person when you do not have support or space of your own to recuperate. It may be worth thinking about how you can both get support outside of the relationship to meet some of these needs. So you each have a separate space in which to manage your own wellbeing and find yourselves. So when you come back to the relationship you have the energy and emotional wellbeing to manage each other needs. (If that makes any sense) this could be a support group or time that you book out to spend time on your own hobbies and interests.
Regarding ASD, the late diagnosis means the person in question will be re-cataloguing all their past experiences. It's a strange place to be in like your losing and gaining an identity at the same time. It's difficult to process, and differentiate between whats a mask, and whats really you, and whats ASD 'negative impacting' that need to be managed or worked upon. It like puzzling together a whole new person but not really changing. It likely your partner doesn't know if she coming or going, and if she's not masking and has not yet found peace with it, she will behave that way. It's likely that she will also be very angry about past events that were unfair in the context of having ASD, but she will be unable to get closure on.
I can not comment on menopause. No experience.
I guess what I'm really saying is you would both probably benefit for the individual and joint counselling or therapy, to manage this adjustment.
Hope this is helpful.
From adult diagnosed ASD female and practising mental health OT, and her long-suffering neurotypical partner ;-)
Hi NAS68009.
Again, I did reply to your post last night, but it didn’t obviously work for some reason.
Firstly, thank you for seeing what I was trying to achieve by posting. I truly wasn’t trying to be offensive to anyone in any way. I was just giving an insight into things that went on and how we were dealing with it (or not as it more seems!).
What a brilliant post.
It is very insightful about my capacity to give to my partner, and the same from her to me.
I have been getting counselling for a bit, and it helps in places, but not all the time. I’m aware that my capacity to cope is lower than I was happy to admit. Why?, because I’m stupid and unfair I’ve worked out.
The problem that would often come out of me trying to help, was that my tolerance would not last when I was also down, therefore I was much more likely to snap, or look at what was going on from the wrong perspective. This ultimately must of had huge impacts on my partners wellbeing and her faith and trust in me that I was actually there to help, as the ‘evidence’ in her eyes must of looked like anything else at times. Again though, since having the autism diagnosis and looking at what that is about, all the previous things I struggled with made far more sense. I think, if myself and my partner knew this stuff earlier, we really would of had a great relationship, even with the difficulties two people with their own mental health issues could cause.
We did do couples counselling for quite a bit, but again, that was all based around a completely different thinking to what we now know, so, we got some bits out of it, but not what we were really after. If the counselling was tuned into both my mental health issues and approach to life, and my partners autism and approach to life, I honestly think we would be floating on air right now.
Ive tried asking my partner not to throw the towel in, but, right now, I’m getting nothing back other than get out of my life (usually typed in capitals to really emphasis it).
Its such a shame we probably won’t get the opportunity to try and work together through this, even if I’m just a form of support bubble and took a back seat completely whilst my partner learnt the things she must so desperately want to learn and understand about herself. This really feels like the first proper chance we’ve had to figure out the problems we were facing. Such a shame.
Kind regards.