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Autism & Romantic Love(?)

NAS67939

I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism last year.

Now - I am a massive fan of pop music. And most pop songs are about... love.

So I just wanted to ask everyone here a question.

Do you think people with autism are capable of experiencing romantic love?

I just wonder if romantic love is such a fundamental emotion that it is one that people with autism don't ever get to fully experience?

Or even experience at all.

Now - since I also have autism - the one thing I appreciate more than anything is pure honesty. So please don't shout me down for asking this question. I think it is a reasonable question to explore. I am against this idea that the positive aspects of autism are continually promoted without some honesty about any possible downsides.

One nice thing about autism is that - in my experience - you never find yourself hating somebody. Since you are always able to keep your emotions in check, and use reason to try and understand other points of view.

So that is one of the strengths of autism.

Now - when it comes to hate - the other side of the coin is... LOVE.

So I wonder if this means we are not equipped to experience the wild feelings of romantic love that inspires my favourite pop songs?

Speaking for myself - I once had a weird bout of "oneitis" (unrequited love). But really - it was just a weird obsession that took over my brain. It was an intense feeling but I wouldn't call it love. I am not a stalker. But I imagine it must be similar to how stalkers feel when they suddenly develope an uncontrollable obsession over somebody. A bit like waking up and finding out your favourite Hollywood actor has moved in to the house next door.

Indeed - often I see partners of people with autism referred to as their Special Interest. And I have heard that it is common for somebody with autism to be obsessed with somebody during the "wooing" phase of a relationship. But once they have "caught" the person they go on to settle down with - the passion quickly fades away. As if the only emotional high came from the initial obsession rather than any deeper feelings of romantic love.

"An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.” — Pliny the Younger

I have done a lot of research into this question. And I also have observed my Dad as well (who I suspect also has High Functioning Autism). And there seems to be a common thread where people with autism make fantastic partners when it comes to kindness, honesty and being supportive. But one thing I never see is any real evidence of feelings of romantic love.

I would go even further and say that the thing the person with autism misses the most at the end of a relationship is not having the crutch or support (or simply the routine) of being with that person anymore. As opposed to having to deal with emotions inspired by the memory of a romantic love that has now ended.

I hope people will respond honestly to my question. I think it is interesting and useful to analyze these things objectively.

TOM

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  • QUOTE

    "One nice thing about autism is that - in my experience - you never find yourself hating somebody. Since you are always able to keep your emotions in check, and use reason to try and understand other points of view.

    So that is one of the strengths of autism"

    Surely this is the wrong way round?  As someone with severe autism all my life I've NEVER been able to understand some things from other people's viewpoint.  I've learned some stuff in a rote fashion but don't always have the feeling to go with it. eg someone I know lost a baby. It is beyond me why they celebrate the birthday of a child that never lived and was now well over 10 years ago. (only lived a few hours after birth) but then I've never wanted a baby and hate all physical contact myself so maybe it's just beyond me to understand the link with something you've given birth to.

    I can understand marking the anniversary of the death of a parent or family member who was in your life and by your side (even pets) for 10+ years though cos I can 'see' how you could have built up a bond with them that would mean you'd miss them.  I don't understand why a pet thats been with you 15 yrs is seen as less important than a baby that only existed for a couple of hours. I don't understand why the person would be hurt I' d never mention 'the child that never lived', and the fact I'd  personally never met it, so how can I have ever had a relationship with it to miss it or feel anything? ,,and I'm now in my 50's and have a degree (so no 'learning disability' in that respect).

    re  emotions mine used to feel like waves swallowing me and drowning me I could go from calm to screaming banshee within seconds (as a baby/child) so not sure what type of autism you have?  ..but that's not my experience of autism!

    I have a dictionary definition of what 'unconditional love' is that would come from a parent/sibling or dog but have never felt 'love' or 'connectedness' to anyone else.

    It seems these days 'milder and milder cases' are being accepted as autistic.  If you can't fundamentally relate to anyone how can you be capable of having an intimate relationship with anyone to be able to cope with marriage and kids and a 'normal NT life? ...and if you can then you can't be seriously be 'that autistic' to start with?

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  • QUOTE

    "One nice thing about autism is that - in my experience - you never find yourself hating somebody. Since you are always able to keep your emotions in check, and use reason to try and understand other points of view.

    So that is one of the strengths of autism"

    Surely this is the wrong way round?  As someone with severe autism all my life I've NEVER been able to understand some things from other people's viewpoint.  I've learned some stuff in a rote fashion but don't always have the feeling to go with it. eg someone I know lost a baby. It is beyond me why they celebrate the birthday of a child that never lived and was now well over 10 years ago. (only lived a few hours after birth) but then I've never wanted a baby and hate all physical contact myself so maybe it's just beyond me to understand the link with something you've given birth to.

    I can understand marking the anniversary of the death of a parent or family member who was in your life and by your side (even pets) for 10+ years though cos I can 'see' how you could have built up a bond with them that would mean you'd miss them.  I don't understand why a pet thats been with you 15 yrs is seen as less important than a baby that only existed for a couple of hours. I don't understand why the person would be hurt I' d never mention 'the child that never lived', and the fact I'd  personally never met it, so how can I have ever had a relationship with it to miss it or feel anything? ,,and I'm now in my 50's and have a degree (so no 'learning disability' in that respect).

    re  emotions mine used to feel like waves swallowing me and drowning me I could go from calm to screaming banshee within seconds (as a baby/child) so not sure what type of autism you have?  ..but that's not my experience of autism!

    I have a dictionary definition of what 'unconditional love' is that would come from a parent/sibling or dog but have never felt 'love' or 'connectedness' to anyone else.

    It seems these days 'milder and milder cases' are being accepted as autistic.  If you can't fundamentally relate to anyone how can you be capable of having an intimate relationship with anyone to be able to cope with marriage and kids and a 'normal NT life? ...and if you can then you can't be seriously be 'that autistic' to start with?

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