How can you deal with reaching life goals at a different time to NTs?

That's such a good question. Before my diagnosis I used to get very depressed about my failures in life. I remember overhearing a comment 'If someone's not married or settled down by the time they're 25, there's something wrong with them'. I was 25 and very single so it stuck with me, even if the opinion might be absurd. But it's about more than just the judgement of others.

It probably makes things worse to know there should be nothing holding me back in theory, being 'articulate', 'intelligent', 'presentable', 'charming' and so on. So I could see it as less obvious obstacles like being 'shy' or depressed which I could try to overcome first (I wouldn't have thought of the problem then as being 'distractable', my current rationalisation). Generally, it has helped to see the obstacles as more 'external', 'specific' and temporary or conditional. Besides my intrinsic character I had a lot of setbacks in life and reasons for not developing life skills, plus society mostly doesn't seem set up for people who are honest and unassertive and idiosyncratic. Another approach is not to think about it at all and just react to what the immediate situation is.

So in answer to 'how do you deal with reaching life goals later than NTs [or not at all]?', my answer is 'not well'.

I do think the diagnoses (ADHD as well as autism now) help me accept things, but it's taken some time. I like to say: the people doing my autism diagnosis didn't explain what it meant, so it took the first year after diagnosis to work out what the professionals thought autism was, and another two years to work out what it really was.  I'd spent most of my life compensating for and hiding those differences.

Cassandro said:

I'd spent most of my life compensating for and hiding those differences.

Are you still compensating and hiding or did you stop? What helped you in the ltwo years you were learning what autism really is?

I'm probably still doing a lot of compensating and hiding without realising it, but I'm no longer, for instance, dwelling on social encounters that go badly or what I'd have thought was 'excessive' time spent just satisfying curiosity. I don't think I'm working against the grain of the wood now I know which way my personal grain goes. I'm also doing some compensating consciously, for example I really don't like answering phones, but force myself to for various reasons; or setting timers.

What helped me? Meeting more autistic people, and reading to form my own conclusions. While there's a genetic component, Neurotribes suggests those genes have been around as long as humans. There's probably a good (group adaptive) reason for the diversity of skills, and things like the theory of 'monotropism' makes sense to me. We're natural specialists and pioneers. The social barriers are more to do with expectations and hazards of present-day society.

I'm probably still doing a lot of compensating and hiding without realising it, but I'm no longer, for instance, dwelling on social encounters that go badly or what I'd have thought was 'excessive' time spent just satisfying curiosity. I don't think I'm working against the grain of the wood now I know which way my personal grain goes. I'm also doing some compensating consciously, for example I really don't like answering phones, but force myself to for various reasons; or setting timers.

What helped me? Meeting more autistic people, and reading to form my own conclusions. While there's a genetic component, Neurotribes suggests those genes have been around as long as humans. There's probably a good (group adaptive) reason for the diversity of skills, and things like the theory of 'monotropism' makes sense to me. We're natural specialists and pioneers. The social barriers are more to do with expectations and hazards of present-day society.