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NAS67035

Some may remember my previous posts but most probably wont. So to summarise: My boyfriend has aspergers, we've known eachother 20 years but only got close in the last 2 years. We have a 10 month old little boy together but he still lives at his own place. He has had a lot go wrong in his life in the last few months and been under huge amounts of stress which has caused anxiety issues too. When he is stressed he struggles even more with communication and often 'shuts down' for a few days and disappears for some time alone. Although I am also the only person he has ever opened up to about his struggles. Two months a go he left my house after making me dinner, hasnt spoken to me since, hasnt been to visit our son or asked how he is. I've sent the occasional message on watsapp or a photo of our son, which he takes several days to open or look at but never replies. 

I had assumed after two months now, that this must be his way of ending things and he just didnt know how to communicate that to me. Or that the stress had all got too much and he was struggling or saw me and his son as an additional 'stress' so has cut us from his life in order to cope. However, his friend has now said that when he had been drinking the other night he told him that he realised 'he loves me too much and he just doesn't know how to handle that". And that when he has left something so long he doesnt know how to resolve it. Could that be true for someone with aspergers? 

And if it could be true, what on earth can I do about the situation? I have been giving him space thinking he will more likely come to me on his terms. I've also tried sending a message which is easy to reply to and doesn't mention anything linked to me and him or emotions etc (just to try and get a conversation started). But nothing works. I've dropped him a fathers day present on his door step but now worrying that might make it even worse.

Is there anything I can do. Or do I give in and move on? Being completely honest after two months of being point blank ignored I dont see a future for me and him now. I do understand he cant help the way he is , but at the same time he isnt willing to discuss how he handles things and I cant cope with this each time something bothers him, or watch my son get confused. But I would hate for him to miss out on seeing his son grow up

Parents
  • NAS67035 said:
    And that when he has left something so long he doesnt know how to resolve it. Could that be true for someone with aspergers? 

    I would say yes, because in general that applies to me.  The longer I leave something which involves dealing with another person it gets much more difficult for me to address.  But I said in general because I have never been in a situation like you both are.  With something that serious and significant I hope it would be even more difficult to ignore.

    But that is not your problem.  As much as you want to consider his feelings and make allowances for his needs and his way of coping, you also should not ignore your own needs and what you need to cope too.  And the needs of your child.

    I agree with I HAD ENOUGH that you need to have a conversation, making it clear this a last chance to save the relationship or you will have to move on.  I think that is how you feel from what you have said.  But you have been patient and accommodating and now you have to do what is best for you and your child.

    If there were a rule that you have to that autistic people better than everyone else and let them get away with things you would not allow from anyone else, you would have done that.  You should not feel you have any special responsibility to him because he is autistic.  You would not be doing anything wrong if that is what you need to do.

    And if you do move on that does not mean you cannot let him back into his son's life when he is ready to be a father.  He is already missing out on seeing him grow up by his own actions, so you would not be taking that away from him.  So if the relationship ends, just let him know that you still want him to be part of your childs life when he is ready to do that.

    Finally, presumably the friend you mention he was drinking with has a good relationship with him.  Maybe it would help to ask him to talk to your boyfriend, to make sure he understands the situation he is, in before you tell him that you need to talk or the relationship will end.  That way it will not seem as drastic when you say it as he would have been able to prepare for it.

    Good luck in however it turns out, and please do not feel he is more important than you just because he is autistic.  Look after yourself too.

Reply
  • NAS67035 said:
    And that when he has left something so long he doesnt know how to resolve it. Could that be true for someone with aspergers? 

    I would say yes, because in general that applies to me.  The longer I leave something which involves dealing with another person it gets much more difficult for me to address.  But I said in general because I have never been in a situation like you both are.  With something that serious and significant I hope it would be even more difficult to ignore.

    But that is not your problem.  As much as you want to consider his feelings and make allowances for his needs and his way of coping, you also should not ignore your own needs and what you need to cope too.  And the needs of your child.

    I agree with I HAD ENOUGH that you need to have a conversation, making it clear this a last chance to save the relationship or you will have to move on.  I think that is how you feel from what you have said.  But you have been patient and accommodating and now you have to do what is best for you and your child.

    If there were a rule that you have to that autistic people better than everyone else and let them get away with things you would not allow from anyone else, you would have done that.  You should not feel you have any special responsibility to him because he is autistic.  You would not be doing anything wrong if that is what you need to do.

    And if you do move on that does not mean you cannot let him back into his son's life when he is ready to be a father.  He is already missing out on seeing him grow up by his own actions, so you would not be taking that away from him.  So if the relationship ends, just let him know that you still want him to be part of your childs life when he is ready to do that.

    Finally, presumably the friend you mention he was drinking with has a good relationship with him.  Maybe it would help to ask him to talk to your boyfriend, to make sure he understands the situation he is, in before you tell him that you need to talk or the relationship will end.  That way it will not seem as drastic when you say it as he would have been able to prepare for it.

    Good luck in however it turns out, and please do not feel he is more important than you just because he is autistic.  Look after yourself too.

Children