Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again.
I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.
I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.
I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with. Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you
Hi - I’m feeling pretty upset on your behalf at this man. Seriously, this is plain and simple manipulation. I shared what you’ve written with two other AS men I know of, and they were just as upset. As a woman on the spectrum, I can tell you that there’s simply no way on earth, with a clear conscience, that I would ever subject a man to this kind of treatment. I’d be ashamed, and would apologise and leave him to get on with his life, to find a loving, fulfilling, and meaningful life with someone else, if I genuinely, out of the blue, realised I didn’t or couldn’t reciprocate, give my partner what he needs. There is simply no excuse. You will face so many nights of tears and frustration, feeling like you don’t matter, and you do! It takes two to make a relationship work. Love means putting your partner above all else. Wanting to make them as happy as possible. Both of you need to feel that way, not just one of you. Unfortunately, when it comes to autism, it temds to be the case that either we are in control or you are. He is currently controlling everything that seems to matter right now, and you aren’t being given a voice. You do have a choice. As sad as this situation is, and it’s seriously heartbreaking, you need to make a decision, and the sooner, the better. There almost certainly will be resentment, a whole lot of pain and hurt in your future, if things continue on as you’ve described. He should have been honest with himself and with you from the outset. xx