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Need Advice

Debs67

Hi, I am a mum of 2 adults. My daughter is 25, lives at home and has high functioning autism and ADHD. My son is 22 and has ADHD. I am really struggling with their aggression and rudeness. I love my children very much and feel like I have always done my best for them, yet I continually seem to be the target of rudeness and verbal aggression from them both. I cannot work at the moment and because of the virus, feel like I have no escape from it. I try to understand their needs and not say anything to set them off but most of the time I don't see it coming. It seems that although they can be impatient and rude to their dad, they don't talk to him with the same viciousness as they do me. Being a mum at the moment feels like a completely thankless task, where I'm afraid to open my mouth. Are there any other parents out there that have or have dealt with a similar situation. I don't know where to turn really? 

Parents

  • Hi. I can relate to both sides. I’m told by my family I’m overly aggressive towards people at times and I’m not always aware. Frustration is an annoying part of being like this and what seems to , say yourself, a trivial, almost joke like movement or comments, to me is as serious as it comes and would probably upset me a lot that say you was laughing. It fuels the fire but you have done nothing wrong. My perception of things differs greatly to the greater norm and it just feels like nobody is willing to try and understand that and get classed as moody or miserable etc..  

    This pandemic has heightened feelings for me and am finding things I could normally deal with are causing me to “loose it” 

    My daughter is showing signs too and we clash big time and deep down I know I should be the responsible one but at the time I try arguing my point. My daughters 7... right now I look at it somewhat embarrassed but when it happens I can’t help it. 

  • in reply to Jd

    Thank you for answering...it helps to hear it from your side. I do try to understand and be sympathetic to their needs and struggles. I think like you say the pandemic has heightened things and I guess I'm feeling sorry myself. As much as I try not to sometimes I snap back which doesn't help I know but it makes me feel hurt and unappreciated. 

  • in reply to Debs67

    See in a way in that situation that’s how I feel. I know I’m difficult and hard work to live with as I am unpredictable and can be very blunt and almost cynical. I have a hard time believing anyone realises or believes I’m struggling to cope and get ignored. So I snap. It’s difficult to reach out and it’s even worse when nobody answers. And the most innocent look or sentence can come across completely different to me and it seems so personal it hurts. Hence it upsets me. 
    it’s ironic but I understand where you are coming from. 

  • in reply to Debs67

    No problem. Glad for once I could be a little helpful for once. X good luck to yourself Thumbsup

  • in reply to Jd

    I'm really grateful. I've learnt more from you over the next couple of days than from anything I've read or been told before. I think the main thing I need to start doing is backing off when they have a mood swing rather than fire back because I'm hurt or to try and push them to talk it through with me. I guess it's journey for all of us with good days and bad. Thank you and good luck to you with your journey x

  • in reply to Debs67
    • That’s quite alright. I’m sure you do your best as I do as a parent. The world is black and white and it’s either right or wrong etc. I’ve learnt to talk to the people who matter over the years and wasn’t until I hit 30 roughly I started to open up a little. 
      People tend to ignore me due to, in their eyes, my unpredictable reactions/emotions so it’s nice to talk bout it myself. It’s hard on both sides to understand what’s going on esp when a mood swing occurs. I feel like a passenger when it happens and I can hear what’s going on but I can’t control what I say or what I throw/hit. Not clever I know but when that line is crossed there’s no point trying to calm me down until I’ve burnt through the mood. But I will add, as wound up as I can get I have only ever lashed out at 2 people and both were horrible bullies who gave me nothing but grief for years. Normally an inanimate object bears the brunt lol.
  • in reply to Jd

    Thank you for listening and telling me how you feel. It's given me a real insight to how they must feel and reassurance that I'm not always doing something wrong. I really do appreciate it Grin

Reply Children
  • in reply to Debs67

    No problem. Glad for once I could be a little helpful for once. X good luck to yourself Thumbsup

  • in reply to Jd

    I'm really grateful. I've learnt more from you over the next couple of days than from anything I've read or been told before. I think the main thing I need to start doing is backing off when they have a mood swing rather than fire back because I'm hurt or to try and push them to talk it through with me. I guess it's journey for all of us with good days and bad. Thank you and good luck to you with your journey x

  • in reply to Debs67
    • That’s quite alright. I’m sure you do your best as I do as a parent. The world is black and white and it’s either right or wrong etc. I’ve learnt to talk to the people who matter over the years and wasn’t until I hit 30 roughly I started to open up a little. 
      People tend to ignore me due to, in their eyes, my unpredictable reactions/emotions so it’s nice to talk bout it myself. It’s hard on both sides to understand what’s going on esp when a mood swing occurs. I feel like a passenger when it happens and I can hear what’s going on but I can’t control what I say or what I throw/hit. Not clever I know but when that line is crossed there’s no point trying to calm me down until I’ve burnt through the mood. But I will add, as wound up as I can get I have only ever lashed out at 2 people and both were horrible bullies who gave me nothing but grief for years. Normally an inanimate object bears the brunt lol.