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Intimate physical contact

NAS67035

I have a male friend with aspergers. He and I have spent a lot of time together the past year and have become very close. I told him I have feelings for him and he told me the same and went on to talk about how he could see us working together. He makes a lot of effort for me and in a way has been acting like we're in a relationship.

The only thing 'missing' is any form of physical intimacy. He has never even so much as hugged me. He sits away from me and doesnt get close. A couple of people have suggested that this means he isn't interested in me like that but doesn't want to hurt my feelings so is only pretending he wants more. However, I am thinking it could just be down to his aspergers and him either having no desire for physical contact very often, or being too nervous to make the first move.

Something physical has happened between us twice in the past but on both occassions we were both quite drunk. I am really shy too so would never make the first move either. So.....those with austism/aspergers, is being physically intimate with someone a common problem? And if I were to pluck up the courage to make a move could that just make him uncomfortable or be horrible for him? I have tried to discuss it before and he shuts off and changes subject

  • I used to be like that. I couldn’t stand being touched. Then I went through a phase of high intimacy. Now I can barely stand it again. I wish I understood myself better...sigh. 

  • It must be hard for you because you are shy and he is too by the sounds of it. You're brave to be thinking of making a move, I give credit to you for that. 

  • He may be locked in a logic problem - sitting together fully clothed is a known state, being naked and doing things is a known state - but the complex path between may be too complex a problem to break down into hundreds of small, predictable steps - all of them lead to an unpredictable outcome so to chain together all of those steps with a guaranteed positive outcome to get from A to B may be needing all of his processing power - so you will witness him being locked up - literally frozen with indecision.   

    You may need to make the first move and gently lead him so he can build a pattern in his mind of the many paths from A to B - and remember, clear communication is your friend.

  • If it’s difficult for him to talk about this with you, you might try using the written word to communicate. He might be able to explain his feelings on intimacy to you better via the written word. This could go either way, but if he feels prepared for say, holding your hand when you walk, and so on, being more intimate, if these things are talked about via email/messaging first, he may be able to adjust to it, knowing this is what you need or want, and if it’s what he truly wants too. Changes like this, might need advanced thought to prepare himself for, if he has issues with tactile matters, and a change in behaviour, that he’s anxious about. If not, it may be that he has an aversion to touch, has some sensory sensitivity(this can be overcome with time, if he’s comfortable with that).