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Confusion - I cause my wife to , always be right and do as she says

Matthew

Hello again, my confusion

My opinion is invald, do as she says, she is always right.

Even if she's wrong, don't point it out as this undermines her and I'm not supporting her, especially if she is telling me i'm wrong.

How did I create this dynamic, I get I worked a lot , I didn't invest in the relationship, I didn't make he feel loved and special.

I thought I was doing the right thing work hard young so we could have just one person working and one primarily looking after kids.

Opps I didnt invest in the relationship so obvious now.

But now the dynamic is I forgot to bring out the kiddies bag with nappies etc in, I got the drinks I got the kids toy that was lost in the house, she got the kids dressed

as always they go to mum, unless its just me taking kids out.

I get it that when its just me I get everything ready.

But when wife is invloved I step back instead of stepping up, I tune out switch off adding more mental load to her.

I need to step up and switch on

Thanks for listening

Parents

  • Passive behaviour has been a feature of my autism. I've always tried to avoid confrontation. I'll go last, I'll miss out on this go, you have the largest piece.....

    When I'm with my wife she takes control; she drives; she orders at the bar etc. It suits me because I can hide away from social interaction.

    I'll only step up when I have to, but when I was younger and in charge of the children on my own, the responsibility was too much at times, which continued to fuel the idea my wife should take charge when we are together.

    We've managed to make it work and have had thirty years of happily married life.

    It's not just with my wife that I'm excessively passive. I've always tried to appease. I've only room in the car for two; it's okay I don't mind walking etc. etc.

    Just how it is, but accept yourself as you are, and don't beat yourself up. You're no doubt doing as well as you can. I'd try and explain to your wife though, as I did used to feel inadequate and get upset. I now realise it's me and it's linked to my autism.

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  • Passive behaviour has been a feature of my autism. I've always tried to avoid confrontation. I'll go last, I'll miss out on this go, you have the largest piece.....

    When I'm with my wife she takes control; she drives; she orders at the bar etc. It suits me because I can hide away from social interaction.

    I'll only step up when I have to, but when I was younger and in charge of the children on my own, the responsibility was too much at times, which continued to fuel the idea my wife should take charge when we are together.

    We've managed to make it work and have had thirty years of happily married life.

    It's not just with my wife that I'm excessively passive. I've always tried to appease. I've only room in the car for two; it's okay I don't mind walking etc. etc.

    Just how it is, but accept yourself as you are, and don't beat yourself up. You're no doubt doing as well as you can. I'd try and explain to your wife though, as I did used to feel inadequate and get upset. I now realise it's me and it's linked to my autism.

Children
  • in reply to NAS61891

    Thanks for speaking up.

    Hmm, my wife has confronted my male privilege and masogny.

    She hates my not leading taking control, but when I do she just criticises and complains, there are times i get it wrong or I have different ideas to her.

    She would say im not considering the childrens needs and thats not good enough.

    So I've got to the stage of screw it , whats the point if shes going to complain.

    Now she complains about mental load and I don't share my fair share of the kids.

    Do you have a happy married life? Does your wife, what does it take, i'm so long being in emotional volitale environment and I get it

    I worked lots and didnt invest in the relationship, but now i struggle to get any traction, I need to get everything right and if I speak up about her talking to me like *** bom she emplodes.

    I can't work out  a path here.