All my life I have felt 'different', almost ‘alien’. At school I was marked down as "lazy, lacks concentration, could do better, could try harder, etc". but I didn’t understand why they were saying that. School was a mess, mainly due to lack of understanding by teaching staff, such as it was post war but I could have been so much more if steered in the right direction and helped instead of constantly criticized. It would be a totally different story today I am sure. It was always accepted when I was ‘assessed’ I had “artistic tendencies” and “mechanical abilities”, something that has come to be over the years by natural process but they were never explored but my failings in academic subjects was always the subject of concern. I was once diagnosed with ‘debility’ whatever that is but it was never followed up.
I fail on eye contact most of the time, speak in a monotone unless very interested in a subject and have been picked up on it when on an army cadet instructor’s course. Tend to go 'OTT' when involved in an interest such as being a ‘Trekkie’ or club member and go ¡all out’ such as CB radio, Ham radio, model car racing, motorcycle trials riding, scooter sport, kit-car building, line dancing. etc. nothing done by half. Good at physical things such as mechanics or scuba diving (Dive master) but fail on academic subjects although I 'know' the answers I fail to translate that onto results, hence failed many exams; but IQ tests repeatedly come out at 120 to 130.
Can and have built serious computers but no good programming apart from a little ‘basic’. Tend to fail on social aspects such as breaking up with my fiancé whilst in a pub with scooter club mates, she was so upset and in public but I didn't understand the problem. Never had a problem standing up in front a crowed or audience, even at short or no notice. I was even on TV once. Never really been 'in love' but have been fixated by a girl which I mistaken for ‘love’ at the time and do love my wives and children, didn't get upset when 1st wife asked for a divorce but did when dumped by friend. Although recognized as a master engine tuner and "noted rider" in the scooter days I was also called "Mad Pete", unbeknown to me.
Now I know what the 'problem' was/is I can understand things that happened in the past which I didn't at the time and why I did what I did, not that it makes me feel any better about my actions and I could cry at some of the missed opportunities such as a four year apprentice with a top chef when I was 18 because “I wanted to be a mechanics”, idiot, I could have been a mechanic any time but that opportunity only comes to a very few people and the upset I must have caused people around me by being ‘insensitive’ or ‘single minded’. Also rubbish at remembering names, short term memory rubbish but long term, every detail like yesterday.
On occasion I have withdrawn into my ‘own little world’ but not so much now I am a LOT older. I do tend to enjoy my own company but also seek the approval of others and like to get a ‘pat on the back’ when achieving something, I like my ‘medals’ as my wife calls it. I still tend to be insensitive to ‘vibes’ and will carry on doing my thing when I should be aware I am being selfish and should consider other peoples needs or demands on my time.
I get annoyed if something I have worked on or have an opinion on is discarded or ignored. I find it difficult to interject in a conversation, especially when I feel I have a valid and current contribution to make and get the feeling I am being ignored or shunned but also feel I am being hypersensitive to such things but not to other peoples feelings. When writing I often get letters in the wrong order like dera instead of dear and htat not that.
All in all I feel I can adjust a little to what I am but cannot change it, understanding the past is halfway to understanding the future so I live in hope that my remaining days will be better for all concerned.
