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Help - Whats wrong with me - Being right

Matthew

Hi everyone

My wife gets triggered when I try to be right.

I get focused on surface stuff and don't see the layers underneath.

She's focused on picking me up on something and won't explain it as she's aleady explained the same thing many times before.

She's angry I wont ever meet her emotional needs.

I'm feeling attacked and have clear in my mind the situation, 

I feel that if she just heard me out then she would understand.

I don't feel heard.

She doesn't feel heard.

I need to just acknowledge the impact i've had on her or kids.

How can I learn to just listen and not feel attacked , and just acknowledge the impact and her feelings?

Thanks for listening any insights are welcome :) or if similar situations

Parents

  • This is like 90% of my arguments at home.  I also experience it at work. I want to explain and I say "listen" and people roll their eyes and don't want to hear my explanation. 

    I have a strong need for justice and righteousness. But i need to explain things in steps and in a logical order. These are my personal values, so I feel i devalue myself if I don't explain and justify.

    I think everything is getting worse due to lockdown and people not able to go out enough and get space.  This kind of argument is happening about all sorts of things, like why did you put that spoon there and please breathe a bit more quietly. 

    Can you try something with a bean bag? hold the bean bag and speak.  then throw the bean bag to your wife and she speaks.  She throws it back and you speak. No one can hold it for more than (say) 2 minutes. You have to listen while you're not holding the bean bag.  (This weekend, I plan to make a bean bag). 

  • in reply to Plectrum

    Thanks Plectrum, bean bag excellent suggestion, in counciling sessions with therapist this has worked well.

    When my wife has started off nicely and I haven't responded appropatley she escalates, and there is no reasoning 

    there's just pure emotional frustration and anger at me.

    This has made us very distance.

    I understand the logic of me causing her to be angry at me, but i still find that I want to distance from her.

    Thanks for listening

Reply
  • in reply to Plectrum

    Thanks Plectrum, bean bag excellent suggestion, in counciling sessions with therapist this has worked well.

    When my wife has started off nicely and I haven't responded appropatley she escalates, and there is no reasoning 

    there's just pure emotional frustration and anger at me.

    This has made us very distance.

    I understand the logic of me causing her to be angry at me, but i still find that I want to distance from her.

    Thanks for listening

Children
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