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How to handle father letting a child down?

NAS67035

My son's dad has aspergers and often has times where he disappears for a few days at a time, and cuts off all communication with everyone. We don't live together yet so he normally sees him around 4 days a week when at mine. These incidents seem to be quite common unfortunately, any time he is faced with any kind of stress or difficult situation. Our son is 9 months old and this has happened around 7 times now and each time he has gone a week without seeing our son. One time was two weeks and unfortunately this time he has been gone for two weeks again. He hasnt even opened a photo I sent him of our son or asked once how he is. I get he clearly struggles a lot (he has some huge stress in his life currently) and that he doesnt necessarily choose to do this, but at what point do I think of my son?? If I let this carry on the impact on my son could be very bad and affect him for life. Once he is old enough to realise daddy disappearing for times and seeing me worried/stressed about it, but still be too young for me to explain any reason. Wont this be traumatic for him? I dont want to cut him out of his life due to illness, but can I really just keep letting him come back like nothing ever happened after 2 weeks of nothing? I am thinking I may have to stop my relationship with him so I am never a factor and he can have a set routine with days/times he visits his son and nothing more to discuss with me so he never needs to avoid me. He often takes so long to get back in touch as he is trying to work out how to approach me etc. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you 

Parents

  • I think it's important to consider that he's probably not doing it with any bad intentions at all and that your son may not be too negatively affected by his absences lasting a few days, if we were to compare with for example a father who is abusive within a home and isn't absent. 

    If a parent is absent for longer periods it can definitely have a strong impact - such as when a parent refuses to see a child after a divorce - but I think a few days isn't completely unreasonable.

    But I do understand, I think, why you feel frustrated. 

    I think the long and short of it is your son's dad needs help with his own health. There must be a lot going on for him, for him to feel he has to have these absences, and I don't think it reflects on you or the relationship, it's almost certainly just that he has health issues that need addressing.

    He may need to eat a healthier diet and find other ways to reduce stress such as strengthening his immune system with probiotics. 

    I hope things get better for all of you very soon.

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  • I think it's important to consider that he's probably not doing it with any bad intentions at all and that your son may not be too negatively affected by his absences lasting a few days, if we were to compare with for example a father who is abusive within a home and isn't absent. 

    If a parent is absent for longer periods it can definitely have a strong impact - such as when a parent refuses to see a child after a divorce - but I think a few days isn't completely unreasonable.

    But I do understand, I think, why you feel frustrated. 

    I think the long and short of it is your son's dad needs help with his own health. There must be a lot going on for him, for him to feel he has to have these absences, and I don't think it reflects on you or the relationship, it's almost certainly just that he has health issues that need addressing.

    He may need to eat a healthier diet and find other ways to reduce stress such as strengthening his immune system with probiotics. 

    I hope things get better for all of you very soon.

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