Hi everyone!
I joined the forums to look for some help, advice and to find people who might relate to my experiences.
I'm a 20 year old woman (I feel strange referring to myself as a woman, I still feel like a child), and I lived in Ireland for almost 15 years. I recently moved back to my home country.
Recently I have started to suspect that I might be autistic, more specifically, Autism level 1 (or Asperger's syndrome)
I've started work lately at McDonalds, and ever since then, I started noticing some strange behaviours and started realising stuff about my previous life experiences.
My friend is autistic, and my dad made a point (she wasn't present around) that she definitely doesn't appear to make much eye contact. That's the beginning of when I started suspecting I might be autistic also. It made me think back to the previous year:
I attended a one year course for Applied Social Studies as I didnt do well for my leaving cert. In it I had subjects such as psychology, human growth and development, ect. Communications was also a class. For communications we had to do a roleplay job interview with my teacher. You were also scored on the eye contact. I thought to myself, sure, I'm good at eye contact! Well, I didn't realise it, but I tended to look at the window behind her most of the time. After the roleplay interview she said that I tried making eye contact but it was very weak. I was disappointed with that.
Since then, I started researching autism and stumbled upon Asperger's syndrome (I didn't know it was similar to autism at first) and how it's considered to be part of autism now since 2013 I believe.
My experiences correlate so well with the symptoms as higher level autism didn't quite correlate to my experiences as well as Asperger's.
I've been doing research for a long time, and now I want to ask: am I autistic?
I want to listen to other people's opinions on this first before I go to a psychologist, as I don't want to make a fool out of myself and get laughed at if I say that I have Autism and my experiences don't correlate.
My experiences:
>This is a very stereotypical one, but I absolutely LOVED maths when I was in primary school. It was my top favourite subject and I was always so excited for it. I enjoyed doing math problems, and doing my counting. I thought it was extremely fun. When I was in 3rd class, the 6th class girls were convinced that I'd dislike the subject by then because it would be harder, but I still loved the subject to no end... Untill secondary school. I still loved maths at the start of secondary school and was so excited for new maths things, but my teacher failed to teach us properly and I had a hard time understanding anything because I couldn't understand anything she taught us. I nearly failed my first year exams, so I had to get my mathematical genius friend to help me out with preparations. I still enjoy the little games like sudoku.
>My "special interest" would definitely be fantasy. Yes, I'm aware, after doing my research, that people with autism don't necessarily like fiction very much unless it's scientific or something, but I absolutely love fantasy. I'm an artist, I love cartoons and games like Minecraft or any fantasy related games and cartoons/TV shows. I'm in the process of writing stories myself and I'm big on creating my lore for my book I'm planning on writing, making sure it's very believable. I'm in college, and I have creating writing classes too. One of our assignments was to create a short video on a genre of literature, ect. I was extremely upset that fantasy was already taken. I'm really passionate about it and I'm getting upset writing my experience about it right now. I ended up choosing fairy tale genre as it's similar to fantasy itself. I sound very childish when I say that I like Minecraft, but the modifications (game changing additions) I like to download are magic based, always. I love Harry Potter, TV shows like Avatar the Last Airbender, Ninjago, ect. These are the things that tend to inspire me.
My friend alsonoticed that I tend to be obsessed with new things for a while and then move onto new things to be obsessed on. She also said that I do seem to have ADHD symptoms, which after researching Asperger's syndrome, is one mental disorder that is linked with Asperger's, as is anxiety and depression. I'm not diagnosed with it, but I definitely have some form of anxiety, but that's a whole different forum topic for that. I did have group therapy for anxiety (that's where I met my friend who's on the spectrum). During my leaving cert year, I've had troubles finding a college course, and I would CONSTANTLY go to the guidance counselor for help. I had many mental breakdowns in there and the very last time I was there, he told me that I should go to my GP and tell him what I told the guidance counselor. I think he suspected that I might have depression, because of the amount of times I cried about the little things in his office. Back in 3rd year before my junior cert, I've been told that I'm very emotional and to go to my GP, that's the time when I was directed to group therapy for anxiety.
Back onto the experiences though...
>Socialising is a big no for me. I absolutely hate small talk, especially when I'm on break at work. I like to talk to people about topics that we can get into. The other day I was waiting in line when a stranger in line behind me started talking to me. I felt so awkward in that situation because I just wanted to do what I had to do and leave. I felt bad because I didn't know how to reply to the woman's conversation. It was topics that I wouldn't really tall about myself, plus, I didn't know her. I didn't want to talk to her. When I was my turn to do the thing at the store, I immediately went inside. I didn't want to stand outside to finish the conversation with the lady, I just wanted to get my stuff over with. I felt bad for walking inside and cutting off the conversation. Thinking back at it now, i feel like I was being rude, especially when she later walked into the store and I walked out.
This isn't the only time someone tried to make small talk with me. I don't like when people I don't know just start chatting with me on the streets.
>I always had trouble making friends. I was a loner in primary school and had only one friend throughout the entire 8 years. People thought I was weird, and I would be rejected most of the time. I definitely was weird. I remember the kids from my class ending up in a huge group hug, and I thought I'd join too, so I did. The girl who was the center of the group hug looked at me strange like I did something wrong, I still don't know what exactly I did wrong. Another situation was when twice in a row in two years we got new girls in class. My best friend and I wanted to befriend her, so we thought that we'd approach her after lunch. We were too late. The "cool kids" for to them first. The next year when we got another new girl, my friend and I thought that it was our chance, but we were too late again.
>As I read, children with autism tend to be bullied a lot. I definitely was. I don't even know why. I was scared to go outside because of my bully as I was slammed into the ground once.
>I never fitted in in primary school, nor in secondary school. When I would make a joke, people would say that they're laughing at me, not with me.
>I also had trouble maintaining friendships. In secondary school I met so many new people, and I thought I finally had friends. Well, I bonded with this one girl, but after 3 years, I think she got bored of me. One day she told me that I can't take a hint and that she doesn't want to be my friend. I would still sit with the group at times, but I felt like I was the outcast of the group and never felt included. I had another group of friends though that I spent time with during lunch. (One of the guys in the group as Asperger's)
>I skipped transition year. In 5th year, I was with new people in my class because I skipped a year, but I had two people I knew going to the same class as I did, they also skipped. One of them was the one that told me I couldn't take a hint (that was way after I skipped a year). I was so excited to be with them in the same class, but they never invited me to sit with them, nor did they sit beside me. I sat at the back of the class all the time, alone.
>I've been told that I can't understand jokes, which I don't believe is true, but I definitely missed out on a few jokes. Like I said earlier, I work at mcDonalds. Due to the lockdown, things changed in the restaurant, and most orders come from the drive through. One man ordered a bounty mcflurry with strawberry sauce. The people on the headset laughed, I also had the headset. I started making a bounty mcflurry and then started making another one. My coworker immediately stopped me because the guy ordering the ice cream was joking.
>I do take a while sometimes to process information. Like, when I was leaving work, I ordered a burger after I got changed. My coworker asked me why I didn't order it earlier, I did, at the cash register. It took me a whole to realise that he was talking about me telling them before I left.
>This leads on to taking things literally and not understanding jokes. I missed the ice cream joke, but now I'm starting to think that I'm missing another joke. The coworker that told me to not make the ice cream once told me that she LOVES this job. I admired her enthusiasm about working in McDonald's, but now I don't know if it's a joke or not. I'm wondering how many jokes I've missed.
>I think I do take things way to literally and end up doing the same when giving people directions. I've read somewhere that children with autism (Asperger's) have trouble in school due to written comprehensions. I dreaded comprehensions because it involved Point Quote Explanation when it comes to answering comprehension questions. I took the "quote" part way to literally, because I thought it means that I had to take a quote of a character's speach, not a piece of the comprehension itself. This brought me so much trouble for junior cert and almost failed my English. I did great for my leaving cert though, but poetry, learned plays and novel were my worst enemies. I hated doing questions based on them because it was so hard for me to learn them. It was all overwhelming.
> sarcasm though, I think I understand it well, unless someone isn't obvious about it. I myself am a very sarcastic person.
>>I feel extreme awkward in public situations. Whenever I'm having an internalised anxiety attack, I end up hiding it. Ordering food for me was the worst. I ended up buying five boxes or nuggets one day because I thought the guy on the other end of the phone in the pizza restaurant didn't understand me. He asked me "5 chicken nuggets?" I thought he meant 5 nuggets in a box. When I was ordering pizza with my dad, he told me that I don't know how to order food right, because I gave the guy everything at once, and he didn't have the time to write my order down.
>I have a lot of trouble with speaking. I feel like I have to plan every word before I say anything because I tend to stumble on words. If I was in a debate face to face, I'd totally flop!!!
>I got some sensory issues myself too, some of which include mainly noise, touch and taste. I've ALWAYS been a picky eater. Some food textures would make me gag, and they certainly did when I was younger. My mum would be annoyed with me because she was convinced I was pretending so. I wasn't. She would cry when I was a baby because I would rarely eat. I HATE the fat bits on my meet. I eat one type of ham, chicken ham, because it rarely has the white bits. My dad criticises me for it because "everything on this plate is edible!!!". He criticises me for liking chicken ham because "it looks disgusting and pale as hell". He always had problems with me being picky with my food and for my likes and dislikes, not only in relation to food. I hate when my food touches. I hate when my chicken lays on the potatoes, because then the chicken is yucky and mushy on the button. I like one type of salad, and it's cucumber with cream. I would put the cucumber and cream in a separate bowl so the cream wouldn't mix with the potatoes and chicken. I read somewhere that children with Asperger's syndrome love sour and spicy food, and that's so me on all levels. I LOVE spicy food, I LOVE sour food! My grandma worked at the school, and when I would visit her, the cleaning ladies would give me a lemon slice with sugar on top. I'd eat it every time!
Sounds are the worst too. I work in McDonald's and all these sounds mixing together are overwhelming. The beeping of the machines, the coffee maker, the people, everything. I tend to not hear people calling me because I try to concentrate on my work. I'm in the mcCafe position, so I deal with the dishes too. I avoid clinking them together because it hurts my ears. Shutting of cupboards at home is also an issue, so is our dogs barking whenever someone knocks at the door.
Clothing textures! God! I dreaded jeans when I was younger, I got used to them over the years though , but I hated jeans due to their texture. They were always cold on my legs, and I hated how they were in the way when I would bend my knees. I hated shopping for school tracksuit for primary school because of the price tags STUCK INSIDE THE TRACKSUIT!!! It took so long to get them all out. Clothing tags are also annoying. I've ripped so many sides of my shirts to get rid of them.
>I've read somewhere that people with autism tend to "notice streams of information", if that means what I think it means, then I relate with this too. I tend to pay attention to pieces of information like tint advertisement texts, or car number plates. It grabs my attention
>Pattens are also a big part of my being. Whenever my big toe (in my shoe) steps onto a line on the footpath, I just HAVE to get my other toe to do the same to keep balanced. I tend to jump onto the tint bricks like a little kid, trying to avoid touching the lines, or just walk on the footpath without touching the lines completely.
>Routines are a big one. Every day when coming back from primary school I would do my homework FIRST and then change out of my uniform. My mum was slightly annoyed with this because the first thing I should have done was to change first and THEN do my homework. In secondary school I'd go by bus because of my heavy bag. I would out my shoes on at 7:47, and wait the 3 minutes until the clock hit 7:50, EVERY DAY. I was so annoyed and upset when my brother took longer, even if it was just a minute longer than my usual time. So I was upset with him when we left at 7:51. For work, depending on the time I go, I wake up at a specific time. If I wake up later than intented, I tend to be very upset but tend to not make a big deal out of it because I have a lot of time. Speaking of the devil, I should be asleep right now but I am writing this.
>I've done psychology last year, and one activity we had to do was to write the steps of making tea if I was to explain how to make tea to an autistic person. I wrote down ALL the steps, like pick up the kettle, fill it with water, press the boil button, ect ect ect. Some class mates just went the lazy route "boil the water, prepare mug, pour water. I tend to explain to people EXACTLY how to do something because I fear that they may mess something up or not understand something. Thinking back to the psychology activity, I require the exact same steps when I have to do something. I got lost so many times at work because I had trouble following unclear instructions. Like, " where are the coffee beans?" "In the storage room on the left" wasn't very helpful. When someone shows me how to do something, I have to repeat the thing immediately to understand how to do that they are showing me.
>I am very emotionally sensitive and cry even if it's a small thing and I know it's ridiculous to cry over if.
>When I hear certain sounds, they will go over and over in my head for DAYS. I've been listening to one song on loop for the past few days, and I could go like this for literal weeks.
>Stims! Definitely! Like I said, I'm very emotional, so whenever I get excited, I clentch my that's and shake them with excitement like a little child, I dont do it in front of people because they would think I'm childish. When I'm stressed, or when I'm wondering what to do next in a hurry, I shake my hands around which helps me think. I have a big leg bounce which I developed at age 14 after wanting to learn to play the drums. I tend to shake my foot a lot to keep myself stimulated. I also tap my hands on my legs and click my fingers, which annoys my mum, and she keeps telling me to stop.
>Job interviews are the worst. My first job interview was a huge flop. I tripped on my words, never knew what to say, ect. I felt relieved when McDonald's didn't do an interview, they immediately took me in.
>I always had trouble finding a romantic partner. I feel lonely and alone without one. I liked a boy before but I ended up being traumatised for life. My parents always complain how I don't have a boyfriend yet.
There is probably a LOT more, but this is taking me an hour and a half to write. What do you guys think? Is this information worth for a professional to check out? I'm just very confused right now.
