Incident in supermarket- what's is/would have been the best way forward?

First of all, I wouldn't normally post something like this, but I'd like some advice on what I should do if a similar situation occurred again, as its rattling round in my head.

I was formally diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome at the age of 5, and Dyspraxia as a teenager. In some aspects it barely affects me, and I've sailed through my GCSEs, A Levels and my degree, and have very strong vision and determination in life, also getting on pretty well with my parents. However, I find that in a few select situations, I can become easily overwhelmed and panicky. The below event is an example of this happening. 

THE EVENT IN QUESTION [The exact precise order in which these events occurred might not be 101% correct, as I'm sure we all know that our short-term memory is not the best, but this is written to best of my knowledge]

  • I was shopping in the supermarket for my parents- this itself is not an issue as I do it all the time 
  • I'd lined up at a self conveyor checkout (the one for big shops), grabbing a separator, [I think] misjudging how close I was getting to the other guy in front of me, the process of grabbing it
  • I'd then started to put the food/drink on the conveyor belt, behind his shopping
  • The other guy said 'do you want to get a bit closer, mate'? (this was either whilst I was grabbing the separator or just whilst I was beginning to unload) 
  • My mind froze and I stood still, trying to understand what he meant: I thought he meant do you want to move your food/drink a bit closer to his
  • He then revealed he was being sarcastic- I genuinely thought he was being serious, and he got cross at me, talking about social distancing rules, using the 'f word' in the process
  • I then got very panicy and nervous, trying to stay calm. I didn't know what to say, and I just said 'that's a bit rude isn't it'?, to which he responded by getting even more cross. I did think for a split second that I might quickly explain to him that I found sarcasm difficult to understand
  • I then held up my hands and said I was sorry
  • Nothing more happened after this, I just let him get his shopping done and go off

I'm also almost permanently in defence mode when I'm interacting with strangers, over analysing things like voice tone and the posture. Thanks to a pretty bad schooling experience, even 7 years after leaving secondary school, I'm still tending to treat people as 'guilty until proven innocent'. The situation was a classic example of this happening. I think the guy in front of me sounds like he was in defence mode too, almost certainly, as implied by his response, because of the whole Coronvirus crisis. 

What more,if anything, could I have done? What would you have done in that situation? What should I have done if I had given into my anxiety and attacked him? Luckily, I hadn't slept very well the night before, and this slowed down my reactions, so I was less likely to react impulsively.

I've never carried around an Autism alert card, as I've felt my symptoms were just so mild it wasn't necessary to. But would such a card have helped my case if I had hit back? 

  • I think you handled it well. I've been overwhelmed in supermarkets a couple of times I've accidentally got too close and apologised. Luckily people were fine. That guy was an ass. I'm noticing alot of people are wandering around showing their nasty side right now

  • Oh, I can understand both sides here. It's a tricky time for everyone. It may have been helpful to have accepted your mistake, and offered your apologies. I had someone not observe the social distancing rules in a supermarket recently and it isn't pleasant, especially as I was making a real effort to do it. It doesn't excuse his rudeness, but these are unusual times :)

  • As many others have said, you did well coping with the situtaion.

    Really sorry to hear this guy got out of his cage verbally. Teling him he was being rude was the normal thing to do. It's him who has the problem not you.

    I witnessed a customer nearly do the same to a female staff member at a supermarket yesterday, only to be told to wind his neck in by the tough looking security guard. The fool put his head down and scurried out the door as customers shook their heads in disgust,  Not a small bloke either, but neither was the security guard.

    Being an Aspie myself I find myself always on the defensive because of bullying when I was younger. Now nearly 50 I have learnt to cope and remain calm in any situtation that arises. But, I have been fortunate-ish as I've got older. I'm tall and well built, sometimes mistaken for a doorman. Personally I dislike the stereotyping that others think I'm a thug of some sort, more of a gentle giant as my wife says. But it has helped because I can see some have had a good long think before confronting me physically or verbally if a situtation arises.

    Can I suggest you let a memeber of senior staff or security become aware of your condition if you are shopping in a large crowded store during times like this. I can only assume they'd step if a situtaion like this happens again but it's worth asking.

  • I could share a ton of examples of things like this - the times I did well or badly. If you’d like to chat over them if it’s of any help - just drop me a private message, and I’m happy to do so if it helps.  But essentially I think you calling him out as rude was accurate - he was being rude, there was no need for him to vocalise anything. If you were in his personal space for a longer period then maybe but it was the simple action of reaching for a divider - so in my not so expert opinion you did. I thing wrong. Like I said, happy to chat over this if you think it’ll help :) my settings allow anyone to message me - often it’s easier as my notifications for replies on threads don’t work :( 

  • Sure, sorry my reply was a bit blunt, I was in a hurry. Didn't mean to knock you down or anything

  • The everchanging rules in supermarkets are a nightmare just now for everyones familiarity. I've been told to stand in certain places for queues which is almost as pointless as the one way systems since some people just ignore them anyway or you end up having to walk past more people than where you were in the first place. I was told off for standing 2 metres from someone that was within seconds of picking up their receipt and asked to stand 4 metres away in a position that was 1 metre from this worker. 

    Unfortunately all these rules create a playing field full of potential conflicts and of course the typical person does not know that some people do not understand sarcasm etc

  • Fair enough. It was only an idea. Certainly when I was in Year 7 I had one for a bit, but haven't used one since. 

  • About the card, it is meant for staff who gave had training to recognise it, so it's advisable to assume the general public don't know what to do when they see one. But useful at airports etc. 

  • Yes, I think that's bang on actually, about it being quite likely that he felt equally as upset as me, about the way he reacted towards me. 

    Its kind of like what happens at road rage incidents. 

  • Hi,

    Thanks for your response. 

  • There are loads of such spats happening in supermarkets near me as everyone is more anxious than normal. The police were walking about some shops where i live to remind people to be nice to each other.

     In italy if u didnt wear a mask there would be an immediate panic by everyone ! 

    One good thing .... u said sorry that defused the situation way more than u realise so well done u. I am pretty sure the person who over reacted is sorry and probably realises he lost control. I know of one person a neurotypical  had to stop shopping for a while because he kept over reacting to people around him due to his fear of infection ( he was diabetic ).

    As for having an autism card I have never tried using one but I dont think anyone will care/understand unless they have an autustic relative.

  • Hi, well done, I think you handled it great. When I'm out in public I have realised I need to sing the song from Frozen... 'let it go'  in my head. People get road rage, bike rage, shopping rage and the best thing is to say oops sorry and move on even if you've done nothing wrong. Being a coward has saved me countless times from potentially worse situations. Chances are that you will never have to meet this d***head again. He will go on being a d***head and you can stand proud. Feel free to vent to us when needed.