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Maintaining a relationship with partner

Anomac

Hi,

My boyfriend got diagnosed with Asperger's about 2-3 years ago and he is still finding it difficult to deal with some things.  We have been in a relationship for roughly 18 months, but we was really good friends for about 2 years before. It's a very healthy relationship as we don't really argue, lately he has been finding himself becoming unhappy in himself - he has always said how he feels like he is holding me back and that he worries that he cannot give me what I am looking for especially in the future and that I am "too young to deal with all of this" (that phrase really annoys me). I am constantly reassuring him that I am happy and he is providing me with everything I need in a relationship but for some reason he cannot get the thoughts out of his head. 

He is always telling me how I am his best friend and that we're perfect for each other but he is not sure if he can function in a long-term relationship. (He has had a 3 year relationship before me which was very toxic as the girl was manipulative and abusive). Since this whole lock down, his depression is worse and he is finding it hard coming to terms that he is the only person that has been furloughed in his company. He keeps having breakdowns about how unhappy he is and that he thinks it'll lead to a breakup which it nearly did last night. 

I just don't know what more I can do to help him, we love each other very much and don't want to lose each other but I'm scared he will end things and then regret he decision. 

If anyone has any tips on how I could try to salvage our relationship and maintain a long relationship and help he get rid of these thoughts would be appreciated.  

Parents

  • There’s so many aspects in your post that are identical to what I have been experiencing. I’m thinking we may have the same partner lol! (You replied to my post about “I think my partner is on autistic spectrum.) I have very similar experience insomuch as I get the impression my partner puts himself down and thinks he’s a burden on me. This is why I think he may sometimes withdraw and as though he pushes me away. All I can do is to reiterate to him how important he is to me and that I care, even when he won’t agree I just repeat it. 

    strangely enough he told me the exact same about a toxic ex who he has a child with. He beats himself up about his boy thinking he doesn’t do enough for him but I know he goes above and beyond for his lad. I can’t comment on his ex as never met her but I think there are similarities in our experiences with our partners saying they had a toxic relationship. I think it’s very strange that he is now staying at his ex’s for over a week and withdrawn from me, shutting down. Previously he was there for a couple of days per week during lock down for his son but had a shutdown last week and when I was dropping him off there sensed I wouldn’t see him anytime soon and I was right. He kissed my bye, and said take care quite a few times and when I held his hand it felt rigid. I blame a bit on myself as I’m working from home and was really stressed that day but could see it coming on the day before. I think he staying there as they were married for years, have a child and it familiarity. He’s texted me a bit now so think he’s coming back round again. I totally feel for you what you are going through, it’s hard and confusing for us isn’t it. Ultimately he sounds like he genuinely loves you and so long as there is love you will can work together. 

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  • There’s so many aspects in your post that are identical to what I have been experiencing. I’m thinking we may have the same partner lol! (You replied to my post about “I think my partner is on autistic spectrum.) I have very similar experience insomuch as I get the impression my partner puts himself down and thinks he’s a burden on me. This is why I think he may sometimes withdraw and as though he pushes me away. All I can do is to reiterate to him how important he is to me and that I care, even when he won’t agree I just repeat it. 

    strangely enough he told me the exact same about a toxic ex who he has a child with. He beats himself up about his boy thinking he doesn’t do enough for him but I know he goes above and beyond for his lad. I can’t comment on his ex as never met her but I think there are similarities in our experiences with our partners saying they had a toxic relationship. I think it’s very strange that he is now staying at his ex’s for over a week and withdrawn from me, shutting down. Previously he was there for a couple of days per week during lock down for his son but had a shutdown last week and when I was dropping him off there sensed I wouldn’t see him anytime soon and I was right. He kissed my bye, and said take care quite a few times and when I held his hand it felt rigid. I blame a bit on myself as I’m working from home and was really stressed that day but could see it coming on the day before. I think he staying there as they were married for years, have a child and it familiarity. He’s texted me a bit now so think he’s coming back round again. I totally feel for you what you are going through, it’s hard and confusing for us isn’t it. Ultimately he sounds like he genuinely loves you and so long as there is love you will can work together. 

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