We have been together nearly a year and I can honestly say I felt like I have met the love of my life. I feel very connected to him and he is very intense, very affectionate and he seems really smitten with me always telling me how much he loves me. He makes me so happy and we have many things in common. He’s like my best friend. However, things haven’t been straightforward and after a couple of months I noticed him have these episodes where he completely withdraws. To the point where from being full on intense and affectionate to suddenly cutting off contact, not speaking to me, not replying to texts, nothing. At first I was racking my brain trying to think why he had gone from one extreme to the other. I thought that maybe it was me and that he didn’t care all along and I’d been a fool for falling for him. I started to doubt myself thinking all sorts like I had been played. But it was niggling me, I’ve had relationships before that didn’t work out but this was different. He’s been so kind and considerate towards me, it just didn’t make sense.
It was only when I was confiding in a friend what had happened and the behaviours i described was when she suggested he could be on the Autistic spectrum as her nephew is. He has “shut down” on me around 12 times in the last 10 months with the longest time being no contact for 2 weeks. His shut downs can last from 2 to 3 days but usually more than a week. I’ve noticed when this happens is usually after a social event such as Christmas. He is studying and under a lot of pressure and often tells me he feels anxious and stressed and that he feels like a pressure cooker inside. (He also gets hot body temperature.) It seems that he can only focus on one thing at a time and when he does, he gives it his all. But he can only do one or the other. He gets overwhelmed.
this covid situation has brought things to a head. He doesn’t live with me but was staying with me and staying at his sons house a couple of days a week. He gets really anxious about his son and his welfare, but now seems to have moved back in there after his last shutdown over a week ago. I totally understand he needs to see his son but I’m also not comfortable with him basically moving back in with his ex who he says he doesn’t speak to. It’s as though the longer we spend apart the more he slips into his shut down mode and I have to wait for him to come out of it.
other behaviours I’ve noticed is he sometimes does this humming thing. I know it sounds a bit weird but he will sit for hours stroking my feet and he seems to get relaxed by it, so do I. He likes to stroke my hair and face over and over too. He has told me a couple of times that I don’t understand what his reality is like. He’s a whizz with numbers, remembers dates, really good at reeling off facts, if he’s interested in a subject he will find out everything about it. He tries to be so helpful doing things around the house but I tell him to relax, he doesn’t need to.
i have been reading around on the internet and think he may be on the spectrum but obviously that’s just my interpretation. There could be lots of reasons. I have tried to talk to him when he’s feeling positive and suggest maybe he has a chat with GP but says what’s the point of being labelled. I try to tell him not to see it like that and it could help if there is an understanding. I worry he will be put at a disadvantage such as in employment. He works so hard and really does deserve a good life. It breaks my heart when he gets so down and disappears. When we have on the odd occasion spoken on FaceTime when he’s nearing the end of his shutdown I can see in his face how depressed and withdrawn he looks. I love him dearly but I feel so lonely, the shutdowns are happening about twice a month at the moment. I really don’t want to abandon him and really want us to work but I feel so abandoned and don’t know how to cope. I keep thinking he will never come back. If anyone has any advice or similar experiences I would be grateful to hear. I just feel so confused and alone with it all.
